Collection of Lame Jokes

[Schrodinger's Dog]

One of my all time favs

Two Romans standing in Alps circa 218 BC

1st Roman: "look a flock of elephants!"

2nd Roman: "Herd"

1st Roman: "Herd of what?"

2nd Roman: "Herd of elephants"

1st Roman: "Yes of course, there's a flock of them over there!"

I laughed at that.

English joke correction or is it different, what's brown and steams out of cows, the Isle of Wight Ferry.

 

[mbrmbrg]

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

****

A frog's in line at the bank when the next teller, Ms P. Flack, calls, "Next please!" So the frog hops over and explains that he'd like a loan. Startled, Ms Flack replies, "But you're a frog!" So the frog answers, "Look, lady, my dad's Mick Jagger, can't we work something out?" The teller draws on all of her PC skills and says, "Well... To start with, you'll need some form of collateral." So the frogs pulls out a little glass elephant and plunks it on the counter. Completely out of her depth, Ms Flack asks the frog to accompany her to the manager's office. Showing the manager the elephant, the teller asks, "What is this supposed to be?" Replies the manager, "It's a knick-knack, Patty Flack. Give the frog a loan--his old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

You know they call it the gubernatorial race. Well now I'm the goober.
Schwarzenegger impersonator:

I'm more nervous than Dick Cheney's best hunting dog.
Clinton impersonator:

We're making a lot of progress in the technological advances. As you know, there are a lot of cars now that run on vegetable oil. And so, I propose we open up Alaska to drill for vegetables. If they're there, we need to get them.
Bush impersonator [Bridges]

KING: Why did you decide to use armed National Guardsmen to watch the border with Mexico?

BRIDGES: Because Dick Cheney wasn't available

...KING: Arnold Schwarzenegger has been on this show and it's always baffled me what kind of Republican is he? He's married to a Kennedy. Does that sound possible to you?

BRIDGES: I think it's great. I think it's great. It gives him perspective. I like Arnold. We both married up. You know why Maria fell in love with him, don't you?

KING: No.

BRIDGES: Arnold was the only boyfriend strong enough to carry Uncle Teddy home.

http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0610/31/lkl.01.html

 

[Math Is Hard]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[Kurdt]

A termite walks into a saloon and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Perhaps a termite wandering onto a set for a EDIT [perhaps that was a bit too adult]

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Thats pretty lame considering I'm pretty sure termites don't worry whether their wood is tender or not.

Carpenter ants, like termites, tend to prefer wood that is partially decayed by wood rot. However, they will also attack perfectly sound wood as well.

http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life.

 

[Kurdt]

http://www.mda.state.md.us/plants-pests/pesticide_regulation/pesticide_info_for_consumers/termites_ants.php

you obviously know nothing about the termite night life.

I only wanted to say that to make the joke I thought of then I remembered i'd been to the pub so I better edit it.

 

[BobG]

Here's a good one I made myself:

If God had meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575, he would have given him more fingers and toes.

Hey, I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?








You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

 

[arildno]

Have you heard of the joke that was so lame that it humans to boredom would choke?

 

[humanino]

A researcher who searches, one can find.
But a researcher who finds, one can search.

 

[humanino]

% "How poorly would you rate the Unix (so-called) user interface?
Unmatched ".

% rm congressional-ethics
rm: congressional-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God
ar: God does not exist

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.

%make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me
bad character

% got a light?
No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending

$ drink <bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter
matter: cannot create

$ cat "can of food"
cat: cannot open can of food

credit

 

[quantumdude]

One day two horses are out running, and one horse always beats the other one. So the slower horse says to the faster one, "How is it that you always beat me?" and the faster horse says, "I don't know, I just take off and start running." So the slower horse asks the faster horse to run a few more races with him so he can figure out what he's doing wrong, and he obliges.

Meanwhile a dog is hanging out watching the whole thing, and he comes up to the two horses and says, "I've been watching you two for a while, and I can tell you why the outcome is always the same."

The two horses look at each other in astonishment and say, "Holy crap, a talking dog!"

 

[larkspur]

Women with large breasts work at Hooters. Where do women with one leg work?
>>
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IHOP

 

[Ivan Seeking]

There was a terrible fight between two cooks at the local Sharis. One beat the other half to death with a pepper grinder. Later, the offending cook was arrested for assault with pepper.

 

[Argentum Vulpes]

Did you know pirates can see in the dark. It's true because they have,

I, Arrrr.

 

[mbrmbrg]

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?


You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

No!

 

[fourier jr]

Hey, I just realized you didn't mean that as a compliment!

What do you get if you cross a mountain climber with a grape?

You can't! A mountain climber is a scalar!

that reminds me of another one like that.

Q: what do you get when you cross a cow with a chicken?

A: $$|cow||chicken|sin\theta$$

 

[DyslexicHobo]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Progress (n.): a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage
If pro and con are opposites, then what does the word "congress" mean?

So that explaines it!

 

[DyslexicHobo]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

 

[sas3]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

The tame way.


Sorry for that one. But you did same "Lame"

 

[fourier jr]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.

That's not a joke. I read a newspaper article outside a professor's office about someone who asked a bunch of business people those 4 questions at a big meeting of theirs and something like 90% of them got ALL the questions wrong. In contrast, most children got them all correct, which was what the article was about.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Yesterday Tsu called me down in the office to let me know that some parts had arrived from Mouser Electronics.
http://mouser.com/

I told her that they were for the cat.

 

[Math Is Hard]

Was it one of these, Ivan?
http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cordless-mouse.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cordless-mouse.jpg

 

[sas3]

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

It's lame and it's a science joke, Bonus!

 

[BobG]

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."

 

[BobG]

A man was rushed to the hospital after a car wreck which left his entire left side paralyzed.

The doctor examined him and said, "He's going to be all right."

 

[BobG]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
















A: Christopher Walken

 

[BobG]

Q: What does Mozart do now that he's dead?

A: He decomposes.

Okay, actually that's a 'dead joke', not a 'lame joke'. (I can't believe no one picked up on three 'lame jokes' in a row in a 'lame joke' thread.)

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

 

[Gokul43201]

Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

A: Christopher Walken

Ooh! That's a a meanie!

 

[Mike Cookson]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

and

What do you call a dear with no eyes? A no eye dear (say it out loud). What do you call a dear with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye dear :P

 

[matthyaouw]

What's brown and sits on the piano stool?




Beethoven's last movement.

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through
his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed the "call" button. His
mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

Please tell me this isn't a true story!

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.

When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

A woman forgets and leaves her handbag at a party. Someone notices and calls her on her cell phone to come back and get it. The handbag rings.

 

[proton]

what is the limit as the gpa approaches 0 of an engineering major?

an business major