Collection of Lame Jokes

[gmax137]

Four jokes for the weekend :
View attachment 337274

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

 

[phinds]

I'm getting old and there are SO many unanswered questions ... who let the dogs out ... where IS the beef ... why is "abbreviated" such a long word ... how do you get to Sesame Street ... how many lives does the coyote really have and why does he keep trying ... why doesn't Dora just use Google Maps ... why don't LED bulbs last as long as the package says ... why did all those pretty girls did not attack me when I used Hia Karate aftershave like what happened in the TV commercials ... why do people wrap brisket in foil and call it barbecue ... why are eggs packaged in flimsy paper/Styrofoam cartons while batteries are packaged in a plastic casing that even a pissed off Schwarzenegger couldn't open ... why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed ... why do we park in the driveway and drive on the parkway ... why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards as it is forwards ... why do the early birds get the worm if good things come to he who waits ... why is lemonade made with artificial flavor while dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons ... why do paper towels always tell you what size they would be if they were some other size and why do they always tear anywhere BUT the perforation ... why do people hide cookies from their kids by putting them on top of the refrigerator yet leave household chemicals under the sink ... why do you have "to put your two cents in", but it's only " a penny for your thoughts" ... who gets the extra penny ... why do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune ... why did you just try to sing those two songs ... just what IS Victoria's big secret ... AND ... how come I look old and fat in the mirror when my self image is young and slim? The list goes on and on.

 

[jack action]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Salford recently was faced with a unique problem.
Many 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the caretaker would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the caretaker. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the caretaker who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the caretaker to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Halc]

why do "The Alphabet Song" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune ... why did you just try to sing those two songs

I didn't, but Baa Baa Black Sheep did make a round in my head

 

[topsquark]

I didn't, but Baa Baa Black Sheep did make a round in my head

Now you have me thinking about dog fights!

(That's not only a dated reference, but obscure, as well! But it does.)

-Dan

 

[Bystander]

Now you have me thinking about dog fights!

(That's not only a dated reference, but obscure, as well! But it does.)

-Dan

Mine's "dog" eared.

 

[nuuskur]

Got a vasectomy today because I didn't want to have kids.
Went home and ..well.. the kids were still there.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jack action]

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 337380

"When I was 17 my dad knew nothing. By the time I was 21, it was amazing how much the old man had picked up."

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

View attachment 337350​

very recently posted

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[phinds]

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless guy said.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting
in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with
you for doing that?
I said, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what
a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

 

[DennisN]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

What's the worst thing about an ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.

 

[DennisN]

View attachment 337439

That one gets my vote for the loveliest image of the year!

 

[BillTre]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[difalcojr]

Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?....................................... 'Cause the cow's got the udder.

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?..........................Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

(these are my best ones, though, sorry)

 

[berkeman]

From Facebook today...