Collection of Lame Jokes

[jack action]

TIL: These are actually e-clips:
View attachment 343817

Or those:

 

[jack action]

A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback one night.

After the last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as some other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car; switched the wipers on and off, despite it being a fine, dry summer night; flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons’ vehicles left.

At last, when he was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”

“I doubt it,” responded the truly proud man. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”

 

[jack action]

BOSS: You're late.

ME: (takes his cup) It's pronounced "latte" but thanks!

 

[berkeman]

Took me 5 seconds as well...

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Took me 5 seconds as well...

View attachment 343850

Near where I went to school there was a company that did painting on tractors, which we always thought was a bit of a niche market. It took them about a year to replace the letter C that had fallen off their building.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 343793

Took me 5 seconds as well...

View attachment 343850

Spoiler

Retraction; Abstraction

 

[jtbell]

 

[phinds]

Took me 5 seconds as well...

I hate you. I took me a good minute, dammit ! I just couldn't figure what the joke's angle was.

 

[DrGreg]

Took me 5 seconds...

...took me a good minute...

At least it didn't take you a degree.

 

[Ibix]

At least it didn't take you a degree.

It did seem like a rather protracted period.

 

[phinds]

Oh, this could go on for a while. I'm going out for coffee. Please, everyone get it out of your system before I come back.

 

[berkeman]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

 

[WWGD]

I want Tony Danza to be invited to play Jeopardy, so he can answer the question:

" She was the Secretary of Education under Trump"

Tony Danza: Who's DeVos.

 

[berkeman]

I want Tony Danza to be invited to play Jeopardy, so he can answer the question respond to the clue:

"She was the Secretary of Education under Trump"

Tony Danza: Who's DeVos.

Fixed that for you...

 

[WWGD]

Fixed that for you...

Yes, they're not quite real questions.

 

[berkeman]

Yes, they're not quite real questions.

Jeopardy is a quiz show that has a unique answer-and-question format in which contestants are presented with clues in the form of answers and must phrase their responses in the form of a question.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&sou...4QFnoECDsQAw&usg=AOvVaw1yWA_wCe5iZapH4zG_s5Dn

 

[Bob Walance]

An Irishman in a Dublin pub has the habit of ordering three separate pints of Guinness. He would set them down on the table and carefully take a sip from each glass one-by-one.

This goes on for many weeks when someone in the pub gets curious and decides to ask the man why he does this. He answers, "You see, I have two brothers and they've both moved far away. We all decided that every time any us orders Guinness that we would get three pints in order to remember our two other brothers.

This goes on for months.

One day the lad in Dublin orders two pints instead of three and begins sipping from the two glasses. Someone in the bar notices this and walks over to offer his condolences.

"I am so sorry for your loss", the patron says.

"Haha! No, both of my brothers are just fine, but I've stopped drinking."

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jtbell]

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

We don’t know yet… they’re still arguing about it.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A simple majority. In the event of a tie, the Vice President holds the stepladder.

 

[BillTre]

 

[JT Smith]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]