Collection of Lame Jokes

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In summary: It's a humor that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness. It's not for everyone.Not a fan of surrealism, I take it?In summary, surrealism is an art form that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness, often producing incongruous imagery or effects. It may not be appreciated by everyone, but for those who do, it can be quite humorous.
  • #2,136
AlephZero said:
There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/

:smile:
 
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  • #2,137
If Megaupload is down, does that mean that Megadownload is up?
 
  • #2,138
jtbell said:
Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice?
Isn't that a paradox?
 
  • #2,139
IMP said:
http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/397557_308600239173774_100000714007923_1004846_1697206467_n.jpg

Laughed so hard.
 
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  • #2,140
A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.
 
  • #2,141
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
 
  • #2,142
Today's math joke:

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!
 
  • #2,143
dkotschessaa said:
Today's math joke:

Two male mathematicians are in a bar.

The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics.

The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.

The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress.

He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.

She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'.

Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'.

The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math.

He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees.

The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'.

The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

Like! :)
 
  • #2,144
Why does everyone like the mushroom?
Because he's such a fungi.
 
  • #2,145
Remember, grammar is the difference between, "I helped my uncle Jack off a horse," and "I helped my uncle jack off a horse."
 
  • #2,146
3719183_460s.jpg
 
  • #2,147
Even in 3D, they didn't see that iceburg coming :(
 
  • #2,148
AlephZero said:
There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/

Just down the street from Dewey, Cheatham and Howe, I'll wager.
 
  • #2,149
How to distinguish between a psychiatrist and a psychologist:

Present her with a chess problem.

If she starts talking to the black king, she's a psychologist.
If she removes the pieces, and repositions them in the order they should be, she's a psychiatrist.
 
  • #2,150
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
 
  • #2,151
jbmiller said:
...
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
:smile:
 
  • #2,152
jbmiller said:
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though...
 
  • #2,153
dkotschessaa said:
Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though...
What did they see in each other?
 
  • #2,154
They first met in a nude beach.
 
  • #2,155
Q. Why can't you play cards on the savannah?

A. 'Cause there's too many cheetahs.
 
  • #2,156
http://imgboot.com/images/ritchie888/3223042912906605357568105355762891348271n.jpg
 
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  • #2,157
"Did you know the invisible man and the invisible woman got married? Their kids are nothing to look at though..."
"What did they see in each other?..."

Hahaha! SO good!

A newspaper hosted a pun competition where whoever submitted the best pun to the paper would win a prize. A man submitted ten of his best puns hoping that one would win but... no pun in ten did.

:)
 
  • #2,158
Sitting in the living room we had a one-inch diameter metal tube, about thirty inches long, that suddenly looked like it might make a good trumpet. So I gave it a go. Sure enough, it worked like a champ and sounded like a South American soccer game in our living room. Suddenly Tsu came ripping around the corner from the kitchen with a look on her face that lands somewhere between shock and panic. She saw me, froze, glared, and with a definite tone declared that she thought we had an elk or a cow in our living room! :smile:

I haven't been able to stop chuckling and laughing ever since.
 
  • #2,159
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.
 
  • #2,160
QuarkCharmer said:
The past, present, and future walk into a bar.

It was tense.

That made me search for these:

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause.

Q: What's another name for Santa's elves?
A: Subordinate Clauses

Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
 
  • #2,161
dkotschessaa said:
Teacher: "Josephine, give me a sentence beginning with I."
Josephine: "I is ..."
Teacher: "No, Josephine. It's always 'I am...' "
Josephine: "OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

haha:smile:
 
  • #2,162
Mr President, I know you won't be able to laugh at any of my jokes about the Secret Service, so cover your ears, if that's physically possible.
- Jimmy Kimmel
 
  • #2,163
Personally, I don't see what the big problem is with the SS hiring prostitutes; as long as they're all Democrats.
 
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  • #2,165
Greg Bernhardt said:
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.

Lol...:smile:
 
  • #2,166
A student riding in a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited he asks, "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?"
 
  • #2,167
:) I like that, too!
 
  • #2,168
ok I just made up a lame joke

"Is this really the marine mammal campground?"
"Yes, it is for all in tents and porpoises."

sorry...
 
  • #2,169
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge... so they stopped and parked their Harleys.

Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you
doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity either, so he asked her... "Well, before you jump, why don't
you give me a kiss?"

So she does...

And it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker leader says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I've
ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why
in the world would you want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

The authorities think she may have been pushed…
 
  • #2,170
a physicist gets pulled over for speeding
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
physicist: no but i know where i am
 

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