Collection of Lame Jokes

[SHISHKABOB]

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ or http://www.readability.com/articles/zqlm5gdi if reading it like that is a pain

warning- really long

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

I read that joke before, but it was called the widest joke in the world.

 

[SHISHKABOB]

I read that joke before, but it was called the widest joke in the world.

oh god

 

[OmCheeto]

I think that the margin of error is likely to be pretty large for a poll of one.

I am in the early stages of Alzheimers, and have already forgotten nearly everything I've read.

If I read it again, and analyze it again, does that cut the margin of error in half?

 

[QuarkCharmer]

So does seven.

So does 3+4n rights.

 

[Vacade]

When in a cold room,which part of the room would you go to?



The corner. Because its 90 degrees.

 

[checkitagain]

There's a paradox about a barber in a town who only shaves people
who don't shave themselves.


Anyway, when this barber shaves a person, what does he use?



He uses Occam's Razor.


--------------------------------------------------------------------


And when the barber trims someone's hair and parts it in certain ways,
what is he doing?




He is making Dedekind Cuts.

 

[mcknia07]

These are the jokes I sometimes get... Mind you... Yes I am blonde. Doesn't mean I like them tho, lol.

 

[I like Serena]

There's a paradox about a barber in a town who only shaves people
who don't shave themselves.


Anyway, when this barber shaves a person, what does he use?



He uses Occam's Razor.

Isn't that barber female?
So she does not need to apply that Razor to herself.

 

[rollcast]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotchman walk into a bar.

The barman says to them, "Is this some sort of joke?"

 

[jtbell]

a Scotchman walk into a bar.

Say "Scotch" only when you're thirsty, mon.

 

[SHISHKABOB]

Why is ten times two the same as two times eleven?

Because ten times two is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

I made a wooden car with a wooden engine and wooden wheels but it wooden go.

 

[OmCheeto]

I told someone yesterday, that I might share their "joke".

Would this be a hasbean?

Man killed buried under 20-foot mound of pinto beans

 

[Naty1]

What is the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat broccoli!

What is Mozart doing now?
decomposing.

 

[dkotschessaa]

So does 3+4n rights.

I was just about to post that... lol

Reminds me of (a joke that might already be here) the mathematician who scolds his kids "I've I've told you n times, I've told you n+1 times!"

 

[DaveC426913]

What is Mozart doing now?
decomposing.

http://www.lyricsdepot.com/monty-python/decomposing-composers.html

 

[dkotschessaa]

Bad math joke told to me by a physics grad student over spring break:

Halfway through a recent airplane flight from Warsaw to New York, there was nearly a major disaster when the flight crew got sick from eating the fish. After they had passed out, one of the flight attendants asked over the intercom if there were any pilots in the cabin.

An elderly gentleman, who had flown a bit in the war, raised his hand and was rushed into the cockpit of the 747. When he got there, took the seat, and saw all the displays and controls, he realized he was in over his head. He told the flight attendant that he didn't think he could fly this plane. When asked why not, he replied,

"I am just a simple Pole in a complex plane"

 

[DaveC426913]

I've told you a million times - don't hyperbolize!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A barber is busily working away when a young man pops his head into the shop and asks how long it will be until he can get his hair cut. “About two hours”, say the barber. “Alright, thanks.” says the young man, who then leaves and never returns for his hair cut. About a week later he pops in again and asks how long until he can get a cut. The barber indicated that he would be ready in about an hour, so again the young man left and didn’t return. A few weeks later he shows up again with the same question. “I can get you in in about three hours” says the barber, and again the young man leaves. So this time the barber asked his associate to follow the young man and see where he goes. He wants to know why he keeps losing the young man’s business. “He’s probably going to that new place up the street”, the barber mumbles. His associate leaves and returns a time later. “So where is he going?, asked the barber. “To meet your wife” replies the associate.

 

[rollcast]

A man goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor I think I've got hereditory diarrhea"
The doctor says, "Why do you think that?"
The man replies, "Because its in my jeans!"

 

[Borek]

Husband wakes up his wife.
- I brought you a pill for your headache.
- I don't have a headache!
- Gotcha!

 

[miniradman]

One for the ladies on the forums ;)

If you were an angle, you'd be acute one

 

[QuarkCharmer]

I was following this truck driver on the highway for a while and he kept stopping, getting out and tapping the side of his truck with a pipe and getting back in. A few minutes later, he stopped, got out, rapped on the metal sided truck and then got back in again! Every few minutes he would get out and repeat this. I was curious, so I pulled up beside him and asked, "Hey, why do you keep doing that?". He replied "I've got a 3 ton truck and 6 tons of chickens back there, I need to keep half of them flying".

 

[rollcast]

I tried to invent a TV recorder using milk, it didn't work very well the first time, all I got was a load of white noise.

The second time round it worked so I decided to watch it although I didn't spend to long on it, I just skimmed through it.

 

[lisab]

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

 

[DaveC426913]

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

 

[dkotschessaa]

A friend of mine found a mis-subtitled video the other day that had "Brownie in motion" instead of "brownian motion."

It's not a joke yet, but it could be...

 

[OmCheeto]

A friend of mine found a mis-subtitled video the other day that had "Brownie in motion" instead of "brownian motion."

It's not a joke yet, but it could be...

hmmm... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478178142_n.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

hmmm... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478178142_n.jpg

I think it's fine. It's also quite amusing.

 

[lisab]

hmmm... wasn't sure if a "pen is broken" joke was appropriate, but I'll push the envelope.

https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/p480x480/485368_405063019523157_205344452828349_1469099_478178142_n.jpg

The adolescent in me likes that .

 

[mathwonk]

I m not sure this is a joke. But last week I was having a hard day and I go to my psychiatrist and lie down and start telling my story. He meanwhile is busily taking notes. Then at one point he leans over and asks: "Say, is 'nut job' hyphenated?"

 

[lisab]

I m not sure this is a joke. But last week I was having a hard day and I go to my psychiatrist and lie down and start telling my story. He meanwhile is busily taking notes. Then at one point he leans over and asks: "Say, is 'nut job' hyphenated?"

That was definitely a joke!

This one, not so sure...but I like it :

Two psychiatrists were coming into the office one morning. They exchanged morning greetings, and one said to the other, "I made the funniest Freudian slip this morning!" The other said, "Oh what was it?" He replied, "Well, I meant to say, 'Sweetheart, will you please pass the strawberry jam?', but what I actually said was, 'Damn you, you ruined my life!'"

 

[jtbell]

Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice? They named it "Odds and Ends."

 

[AlephZero]

Have you heard about the psychiatrist and proctologist who opened a joint practice?

There is a genuine partnership of UK solicitors (= US attorneys) called Moody and Woolley.
http://www.moodyandwoolley.co.uk/