Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

I used to be vain. But I got rid of the problem, and now I'm perfect.

 

[FreeMitya]

If you have three pancakes, and I have 13 blueberries, how many churros can we make out of leaves?
Blue because all aliens have long fingers.

Some people like observational humour, I prefer obfuscational humour. (Yes, I made up a word.)

 

[Lancelot59]

Some people like observational humour, I prefer obfuscational humour. (Yes, I made up a word.)

It's not made up at all. In fact there are whole competitions based around it:

http://www.ioccc.org/

 

[Psyguy22]

When does the Chinese guy go to the dentist?
Tooth hurty! (2:30)

 

[fuzzyfelt]

It would be nicer if hedgehogs shared hedges.

 

[Rooted]

A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picks up the dog and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What?... because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really, really, heavy'

 

[Ibix]

Did you here the joke about the cow that swallowed dynamite? It's abominable.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

A fish monger had a beautiful and expensive sign made saying "Fresh fish sold here" to hang in front of his shop. However, one of his customers pointed out that the word 'here' is unnecessary since the fish monger didn't sell them anywhere else. So he painted over that word. Afterwards, another customer told him that the sign needn't say 'sold' since no fish store gives fish away for free. So he painted over that word. Then someone said there was no need to say 'fresh' since no one wants to buy any other kind of fish anyway and he painted over that word. Later another said that the word 'fish' was redundant since anyone could smell the store from a block away and know what was sold there. So he painted over the last word.

 

[fuzzyfelt]

^
Sweet.

 

[Andre]

 

[jedishrfu]

Article VII of the US Military Code of Conduct:

A General of any rank should no longer take direction from his Privates.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Spoiler warning. This is used in the new movie. Lincoln.

Lincoln told a story of Ethan Allen, an American Revolution war hero who went to Britain after the war. (And who oddly enough has a furniture company named after him.) After he arrived, the British, still upset about having lost the war, put their minds together and came up with a plot to try to embarrass Allen by putting a large portrait of George Washington in the only outhouse where he might encounter it. They had hoped Allen would be upset about the indignity of George Washington being in an outhouse. That night, after dinner and conversation, Allen made his way out, candle in hand, and did his business. He came back in as high of spirits as ever.

“Didn’t you see George Washington in there?!” they said.

“Oh yes,” said Allen. “Perfectly appropriate place for him”

“What do you mean?” They said.

“Well,” he said, “there is nothing to make an Englishman sht faster than the sight of General George Washington.
http://americainshort.com/2009/01/22/i-like-tall-skinny-eloquent-presidents-from-illinois/

 

[Ibix]

^
Sweet.

If an infinite number of hillbillies fire an infinite number of shotgun shells at a roadsign of infinite area, will they eventually spell out the complete works of Shakespeare in braille?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Sad to say that there are still areas in the NE that don't have power after the big storm. But for some reason only Amish communities are affected.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Adam told a joke, but Eve didn't laugh. She said that's the oldest joke in the world.

 

[jtbell]

She said that's the oldest joke in the world.

I bet she also said that only guys laugh at jokes like that, anyway.

 

[IMP]

If H2O is inside a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?



























K9P

 

[Ibix]

I accidentally used a lame maths joke in conversation today. Of a colleague, who is a really nice guy but sometimes a little peculiar, I said: "I think he's a bit odd, but he probably thinks I'm a bit odd. I guess that makes us even". Then, realising what I'd said, I added "...if you add us together".

Everybody looked at me funny.

 

[I like Serena]

I accidentally used a lame maths joke in conversation today. Of a colleague, who is a really nice guy but sometimes a little peculiar, I said: "I think he's a bit odd, but he probably thinks I'm a bit odd. I guess that makes us even". Then, realising what I'd said, I added "...if you add us together".

Everybody looked at me funny.

 

[Borek]

Junior is buying a new TV set for his flat, and he ordered it through the web. We were chatting at the time and he said something like "the site has colors that were so irritating my eyes exploded after I put the order". So I told him "Cancel the order, you won't need TV now".

 

[jtbell]

K9P

Hmmm... phosphorus nonopotride?

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Hmmm... phosphorus nonopotride?

You're in.

 

[Isaacsname]

I grew up in a Mexican-Jewish family, we always had a Jesus pinata for Hannukah.

I'm so confused

 

[Isaacsname]

You're in.

You just wanted to fire off a plug about body fluids.

 

[dkotschessaa]

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."

 

[Isaacsname]

Take any website, news sites and Wikipedia work great, and enter the http address into the bar on " Gizoogle " for an instant translation to " hoodspeak ".

http://www.gizoogle.net/

*Warning, if you have an aversion to foul language, look away*

*Otoh, this may be useful to teachers in the inner cities*

 

[jtbell]

Why did the salmon cross the road?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEG8tfXb0VI

Because it was being chased by a hungry chicken.

 

[IMP]

A woman puts an ad in the paper looking for a man who wouldn't run away at the sight of commitment, who wouldn't hit her, and could fulfill her while making love. Two weeks go by and nothing. Finally one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and sees a no-armed, no-legged man.

She looks at him and asks, "How do you expect to fulfill my wishes?"

He explains, "I have no arms to hit you with and no legs to run away."

Then she says, "And the last part?"

He looks at her and says, "I rang the door bell, didn't I?"

 

[dkotschessaa]

Take any website, news sites and Wikipedia work great, and enter the http address into the bar on " Gizoogle " for an instant translation to " hoodspeak ".

http://www.gizoogle.net/

*Warning, if you have an aversion to foul language, look away*

*Otoh, this may be useful to teachers in the inner cities*

This is so awesome. Here's a section on graph theory:

"A "graph" up in dis context be a collection of "vertices" and "nodes" n' a collection of edges dat connec' pairz of vertices fo' realz. A graph may be unpimped out, meanin dat there is no distinction between tha two vertices associated wit each edge, and itz edges may be pimped out from one vertex ta another; peep graph (mathematics) fo' mo' detailed definitions n' fo' other variations up in tha typez of graph dat is commonly considered."

I can't wait to learn more about unpimped out graphs.

haha "
Da papa written by Leonhard Euler on tha Seven Bridgez of Königsberg n' published up in 1736 is regarded as tha straight-up original gangsta papa up in tha history of graph theory."

 

[OmCheeto]

This is so awesome. Here's a section on graph theory:

"A "graph" up in dis context be a collection of "vertices" and "nodes" n' a collection of edges dat connec' pairz of vertices fo' realz. A graph may be unpimped out, meanin dat there is no distinction between tha two vertices associated wit each edge, and itz edges may be pimped out from one vertex ta another; peep graph (mathematics) fo' mo' detailed definitions n' fo' other variations up in tha typez of graph dat is commonly considered."

I can't wait to learn more about unpimped out graphs.

haha "
Da papa written by Leonhard Euler on tha Seven Bridgez of Königsberg n' published up in 1736 is regarded as tha straight-up original gangsta papa up in tha history of graph theory."

It is very funny. I put the url for this page in, and didn't see much out of the ordinary, as I usually just skim the first 5 or 6 words. So I decided to read Borek's post fully:

Junior is buyin a freshly smoked up TV set fo' his wild lil' flat, n' he ordered it all up in tha web. Our thugged-out ***es was chattin all up in tha time n' he holla'd some shiznit like "the joint has flavas dat was so irritatin mah eyes exploded afta I put tha order". Right back up in yo m****f***** a**. So I busted some lyrics ta his *** "Cizzlel tha order, yo a** won't need TV now".

I didn't share this revelation, as, well, there is a LOT of inappropriate "foul language".

-------------------------
But it was fun to imagine Borek talking like that.

 

[Drakkith]

Read this: http://www.gizoogle.net/tranzizzle....a.org/wiki/Dusty_plasma&se=Go+Git+Dis+Shiznit

 

[Borek]

Junior is buyin a freshly smoked up TV set fo' his wild lil' flat, n' he ordered it all up in tha web. Our thugged-out ***es was chattin all up in tha time n' he holla'd some shiznit like "the joint has flavas dat was so irritatin mah eyes exploded afta I put tha order". Right back up in yo m****f***** a**. So I busted some lyrics ta his *** "Cizzlel tha order, yo a** won't need TV now".

 

[AlephZero]

There used to be a cleaner version of this called "jive" included in some versions of Unix. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jive_filter

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

South Jersey - Dec 7, 2012. A crowd of angry commuters, frustrated because their train was more than usually late, dragged the clerk from the ticket booth and tied him to the track and left him there to die. The poor man starved to death.

 

[jedishrfu]

Funny but true. A senior citizens home was having trouble keeping all the residents from wandering off. Someone suggested they build a fake bus stop out front. Local residents came initially to wait and home staff told them that it was fake.

The strategy worked whenever a resident was missing they'd look outside and see they were waiting for the bus. A staff member would go out and sit with them for awhile and then invite them back inside. Later when residents became anxious about seeing someone or going home the staff would suggest they take the bus.

Recent NPR story about a home in Germany ( or was it radiolab - I keep forgetting maybe ill just take the bus)