Collection of Lame Jokes

[BillTre]

While lamenting the demise of my snappy comeback to a recent creationist post (first time I have dealt with this on this forum, so wasn't sure what would happen), I was reminded of a friend's Mad magazine from the 60's.
It had a feature: Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions, which are both stupid and entertaining.

Looks like the guy who writes (or wrote) it is 93 now.

 

[jtbell]

A guy pulls into a gas station. The clerk notices two penguins in the back seat.

Clerk: What's with the penguins?
Guy: I found them along the road a little while ago and I'm trying to figure out what to do with them.
Clerk: How about taking them to the zoo?
Guy: That's a great idea. Thanks!

He drives off. The next day he stops at the same gas station again. The clerk notices the penguins are still in the back seat.

Clerk: I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo?
Guy: I did. We had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach.

 

[davenn]

A guy pulls into a gas station. The clerk notices two penguins in the back seat.

Clerk: What's with the penguins?
Guy: I found them along the road a little while ago and I'm trying to figure out what to do with them.
Clerk: How about taking them to the zoo?
Guy: That's a great idea. Thanks!

He drives off. The next day he stops at the same gas station again. The clerk notices the penguins are still in the back seat.

Clerk: I thought you were going to take those penguins to the zoo?
Guy: I did. We had a great time! Today I'm taking them to the beach.

hahaha love it !

 

[davenn]

I'll NEVER travel with Tom Hanks

 

[Ibix]

How do Sith keep Jedi at bay and still smell fresh?

They wear de-yodarant.

 

[davenn]

Always enjoyed the Cheers TV show ... Beer facts by Cliff

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 105513

There was a road sign put up, which became famous at least in the UK, which says "No entry for heavy goods vehicles. Residential site only". Being in Wales, the sign is bilingual and says, in Welsh, "I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

Reference: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/7702913.stm.

 

[fresh_42]

"I am not in the office at the moment. Send any work to be translated."

Makes sense ... Obviously nobody sent him the sign ...

 

[BillTre]

Or someone took his auto response, from his office, when he was gone, as the translation.

 

[fresh_42]

Or someone took his auto response, from his office, when he was gone, as the translation.

That's what almost certainly has happened. But it is funnier to make fun of the result.

 

[Ibix]

That's what almost certainly has happened. But it is funnier to make fun of the result.

Maybe it's a gigantic conspiracy by Welsh speakers. The sign is actually fine, but they've all agreed to tell all non-speakers that it's an out-of-office message. I've only got their word for it...

 

[fresh_42]

Maybe it's a gigantic conspiracy by Welsh speakers. The sign is actually fine, but they've all agreed to tell all non-speakers that it's an out-of-office message. I've only got their word for it...

This would at least explain Matthew Stevens' results the last years ... He's probably busy with this conspiracy.

 

[Ibix]

On the subject of mis-translations, the hand dryers in the toilets at the airport nearest my wife's home town say "Touch button to start. Automatic stop" in English, French, Spanish and German. I'd been visiting for ten years before I noticed that the French flag was next to the English writing and the UK flag was next to the French writing...

 

[davenn]

hope their public liability insurance is up to date

 

[Ibix]

The auto engineering equivalent of putting the microscope objective through the slide, apparently.

PS: I like'd your post, but PF really needs a "schadenfreude" button for that one...

 

[davenn]

The auto engineering equivalent of putting the microscope objective through the slide, apparently.

did that a couple of times when doing my geology stuff at university ... learned quickly to knock that action on the head
specially when it took so long to prepare the sample of rock for the slide

 

[davenn]

looks good to me

 

[BillTre]

That is an Echer-istic in its perspective.
The glass should be in the sink to catch the beer from the faucet!

 

[davenn]

The glass should be in the sink to catch the beer from the faucet!

this is true ... the original creator took some artistic license me thinks

Dave

 

[fresh_42]

I don't see an issue. The faucet can be turned. Very useful for large glasses. They have $1l$ glasses on the Octoberfest here.
I'm still waiting for the link where to buy this fantastic installation ...

 

[davenn]

I'm still waiting for the link where to buy this fantastic installation ...

uh huh
and each tap should be a different flavour
speaking of which, I saw a prank video about a year where whilst a guy was on holiday, his mates re-piped his house to supply beer to every tap in the house from beer barrels under the house ... will try and find it

edit: here it is ... this is classic !

Dave

 

[fresh_42]

uh huh
and each tap should be a different flavour
speaking of which, I saw a prank video about a year where whilst a guy was on holiday, his mates re-piped his house to supply beer to every tap in the house from beer barrels under the house ... will try and find it

edit: here it is ... this is classic !

Dave

Well, it's said it's good for the hair, so ...

 

[Ibix]

Generalised lightbulb joke:

How many members of a social, ethnic, religious or cultural group does it take to change a lightbulb?

N+1. One to change the lightbulb and N to behave in a manner stereotypical of their group.

Welcome to PF... home of hard-hitting, politically incorrect humour.

 

[Bystander]

Welcome to PF... home of hard-hitting, politically incorrect[insert]ed[/insert] humour.

 

[davenn]

An engineer died and stopped at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looked over his chart and had bad news. "According to my records, you are not scheduled to be admitted to heaven. You go to the other place." The engineer was disappointed, but followed the path down, down, down, past the creaky iron gates to Lucifer's fiery abyss.

A couple weeks later, St. Peter found the missing log entry. The engineer was supposed to be in heaven after all! So he called Lucifer. "You know that engineer we sent you, that was a mistake. He's ours. You need to send him back."

But by this time, Lucifer was getting used to having an Engineer on staff. "Send him back? Are you nuts? You've got plenty of engineers up there. This is the first one I ever got. And since he got here, things have been improving rapidly. The gates no longer creak. Most of our heat is run into giant generators that power the air-conditioning, The remaining heat is run into hot tubs everywhere! We have cool water piped all throughout Hades! The network stays running! It's like heav--, I mean, it's great! Not only that, but the clocks now all read the right time; nothing is blinking 12:00, which drove me nuts! I'm going to keep him and there's nothing you can do about it!"

St. Peter was insistent, though. "If you don't sent him back, why, I'll sue. I promise you, I'll sue."

Lucifer laughed. "Sue? Don't be silly. Where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"

 

[davenn]

The Engineer and the Red Rubber Ball
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

 

[davenn]

Doctor jokes ...

Patient: Doctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.Doctor, Doctor, I keep dreaming of bats, creepy-crawlies, demons, ghosts, monsters, vampires, werewolves and yetis.
Doctor: How interesting. Do you always dream in alphabetical order?Doctor: Your husband needs a proper rest. Here are some sleeping tablets.
Woman: When will he have these?
Doctor: It’s for you, not for him.

 

[davenn]

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, “Looks like a duck, flies like a duck… it’s probably a duck,” shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, “Hmmmm…green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound…might be a duck.” He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, “Go see if that was a duck.”

 

[jtbell]

How many members of a social, ethnic, religious or cultural group does it take to change a lightbulb?

N+1. One to change the lightbulb and N to behave in a manner stereotypical of their group.

How many PF members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to argue about what is really happening to the lightbulb, in different interpretations of quantum mechanics.

 

[OCR]

...what is really happening to the lightbulb...

I'm sure the answer to that will emerge soon, after all, you are talking about... simple entities... lol [COLOR=#black]...[/COLOR]

 

[fresh_42]

How many PF members does it take to change a lightbulb?

Six. One to change the lightbulb and five to argue about what is really happening to the lightbulb, in different interpretations of quantum mechanics.

How many PF members does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows. Since last time someone noticed it's broken, there have been multiple explanations why it's impossible to locate it and simultaneously get a hold on it, which proves it is not possible to change the lightbulb.

 

[fresh_42]

How many PF members does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends. With respect to an observer at rest or with respect to the revolving lightbulb?

 

[mfb]

I would expect the number of PF-members to be Lorentz-invariant.

 

[Ibix]

Indeed. I suspect @fresh_42 mis-spoke. While I am confident that only a small number of PF members would be needed under normal circumstances, I am less sure that about the number of PF members needed if they are at rest in a frame where the lightbulb is moving at a significant fraction of c.

 

[collinsmark]

Is the bulb in question an incandescent, compact fluorescent, or LED bulb? Is it dimmable?