Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

Two politicians are having an argument. One of them yells "You're lying!". The other one responds, "Yes, I am, but hear me out!".

 

[BobG]

Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!

 

[turbo]

So I says to the girl with the wooden leg "Peg, how're you standing' it?" and she says "I can't kick."

 

[Oscar Wilde]

This is a pretty old one,

If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Ellie May: This here's my new pet, Little Jethro!

Granny: Little Jethro?! That critter ain't little! An' I sure hope his appetite is littler than Jethro's!

Ellie May: Aw, heck, Granny, he's just a baby! The man at the zoo says he'll grow up to be 4 foot tall and 300 pounds, cause he's a lion!

Granny: Darn right, he's a lyin'! Not even a bobcat gets that big!

After I posted my joke I was thinking that I had posted that before. When I read yours, I was sure that not only had mine been posted before, but so had yours.

However, it also came to my attention that my joke was funnier the second time around.

 

[MaplePlayer]

this is the lamest joke i ever heard.. What is red and look like a bucket? a red bucket !

 

[IMP]

A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this?Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[misgfool]

Fifty Years of Math 1959 - 2009 (in the USA )

This would be funny, if it were only a joke.

 

[Danger]

This would be funny, if it were only a joke.

Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Roger that. From the educational aspect, that is. As someone from an officially bilingual country, the last item seems a bit offensive. If TV were to be believed, every second Yank can speak Spanish, which to me makes the US an unofficially bilingual country. I am Spanish, and can't understand a word of it. The closest that I can get is occasionally gleaning something from the Latin roots when reading it. No chance with just listening.

It is a bit on the edge, but it is also highly representitive of the problems we face. School systems in the border States [especially] have been overwhelmed with kids who can't speak English.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.

 

[turbo]

My work often involves information that is proprietary to my customers. As a result, I am constantly reminded that I shouldn't talk to anyone about this or that. After being in business for over a decade, I finally popped off with the perfect answer: Oh, don't worry about it. In five minutes I won't remember anything we talked about anyway.

Tell me about! Much of my consulting work involved system analyses involving complex industrial systems that may or may not have been automated to some degree over the years. I couldn't show the finished work to prospective clients because it was proprietary, and it belonged to the existing/previous clients. Luckily, there were enough happy clients that word-of-mouth kept me busy enough to have to turn down work. Pulp and Paper is a commodity industry, and if you can squeeze out just a bit of extra efficiency at any stage of the process, it makes a big difference, so secrets are $$$$.

 

[BobG]

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

So all it takes to improve math education is an influx of people willing to work for a living?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.

 

[BobG]

Just to be clear, that is not a racist joke; at least I don't think it is. In fact Tsu and my mother had the same reaction I did. When I mentioned that Danger thought the joke was racist, they both recognized the implication but were surprised by it. To those of us familiar with the immigration problem, it takes on a completely different context.

I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.

 

[Oscar Wilde]

Another one I heard once,

Q: Do old men wear boxers or briefs?

A:Depends

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I didn't see it racist, per se, but I probably did pick out a different message than you did.

I think waves of immigrants, starting out disadvantaged and having to look for any advantage they could find, have tended to keep the US healthy when it comes to competing with the rest of the world.

This is just the latest wave of immigrants.

As you know, the problem is uncontrolled immigration. The schools simply don't have the resources to keep up. Also, recall that many immigrants of the past went through Ellis Island. We have never had an open border.

 

[GeorginaS]

A guy named Matt received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown, with a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, rude. Matt tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Matt put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. Matt was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Matt's extended arm and said, "I believe that I might have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." Matt was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Okay, I laughed. Loud and everything.

 

[Beckybabeox]

lol, i keep laughing lol, is it becuase I am lame? :) x

 

[Beckybabeox]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in

That Is Soooooo Funny :) x

 

[apbuiii]

How about this lame one. . .

Why can't bicycles stand up?






'cause it's two tired

 

[Beckybabeox]

How about this lame one. . .

Why can't bicycles stand up?






'cause it's two tired

Thats funny but hard to get lmfao

 

[jtbell]

A proton and a neutron walk into a bar.

Bartender: OK, what'll you guys have?
Proton: Scotch on the rocks, please.
B: Three bucks, please.
Neutron: I'll have a martini, please.
B: For you, no charge.

 

[Kronos5253]

Here's a lame one for you..

How do you catch a rabbit?









Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a carrot

 

[BobG]

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron.
Suddenly the first atom said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
`Are you sure?' asked the second atom. `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'





That one's just hilarious! Everyone knows the sodium atoms couldn't have been flying around a cyclotron unless they were ionized in the first place.

 

[jtbell]

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Show him the word UNIONIZED and ask him to pronounce it.

 

[tribdog]

How do you tell a chemist from a non-chemist?

Show him the word UNIONIZED and ask him to pronounce it.

just out of curiosity how do you pronounce it? It looks like Un-ionized to me.

 

[lisab]

just out of curiosity how do you pronounce it? It looks like Un-ionized to me.

trib, if you want a gold mine job, you better knock that off...union-ized .

 

[belliott4488]

Pessimist: Things are horrible. Everything is falling apart. Things can't get any worse.

Optimist: Yes they can.

Masochist: beat me, beat me!

Sadist: No.

 

[drizzle]

Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron.
Suddenly the first atom said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
`Are you sure?' asked the second atom. `Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'





That one's just hilarious! Everyone knows the sodium atoms couldn't have been flying around a cyclotron unless they were ionized in the first place.

that's a good one

 

[deferro]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

What did the lepton say to the nucleus?
"I'm going out for a while, I may be some time..."

 

[jobyts]

Q: Who is the most famous married woman in America?

A: Mrs Sippi

 

[turbo]

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run away! She's holding a live grenade!

 

[BobG]

C:\Dos
C:\Dos\Run
Run\Dos\Run!