Collection of Lame Jokes

[Jimmy Snyder]

2 pirates are stranded on an island with only one bottle of water. They decide to ration it out between the two of them. One pirate points to the bottle and explains that he gets this half and that the other one gets the other half. In the morning the first pirate finds that all the water is gone. Angry, he demands an explanation from the other pirate. The other pirate says, "I had to go through your half of the bottle to get to mine".

Then they discovered a second bottle of water. The first pirate said "Remember, the top half is yours and the bottom half is mine.". The next morning, all the water was gone again and there was a straw in the bottle.

 

[Enjoicube]

A log cabin. Hilarious

No, it's a house boat: ln(cabin)+c. You really went along with that joke.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I had to give the cat a bath today and I still can't get all of the hair out of my mouth.

 

[Gokul43201]

• Someone needled a well-known wit: "I had your wife, without paying a penny". He replied: "It's my duty as a husband to couple with such a monstrosity. What made you do it?"

• An Abderite sees a eunuch talking with a woman and asks him if she's his wife. The guy responds that a eunuch is unable to have a wife. "Ah, so she's your daughter? "

• A misogynist is attending to the burial of his wife, who has just died, when someone asks: "Who is it who rests in peace here?". He answers: "Me, now that I'm rid of her!"

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/7725079.stm

The 265 jokes in Philogelos are attributed to a pair of jokers called Hierocles and Philagrius, about whom very little is known.
...
The book has been translated by William Berg, an American professor of Classics.

"The text of Philogelos comes to us from several manuscripts ranging from the 11th to the 15th Centuries," Berg said.

"All of them trace back to an earlier original, probably - judging from the content and language - from the 4th Century."

 

[MrMister]

What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt.

 

[MrMister]

What kind of pants do the mario bros wear?

Denim, denim, denim.

 

[edward]

A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.

 

[DyslexicHobo]

I thought this video was HILARIOUS! It has some mild vulgarity, so might be NSFW.



One of the best lines of the song:
Q: "What's the opposite of ln(x)?"

A: "Duraflame, the unnatural log"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

When a news report showed a street sweeper that had been retrofitted as a snow plow, I couldn't help but notice: It's December and the plowers are brooming.

 

[TomHodder]

A plane is about to crash

A woman jumps up and says "Before i doe i want to be treated like a real woman. Who will treat me like a woman?"

A man jumps up, take off his top and say "Here iron this"

 

[xXdeadxlifeXx]

Did you hear about the farmer that got an STD?
It turns out he was allergic to sheep. xD


What's cheese that's not yours?
NACHO cheese!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

This thread has been getting absolutely hammered for days now. Does anyone know why?

edit: It comes up third in a google search for "lame jokes". Maybe that explains it?

 

[diver99]

A 3-legged dog goes into a bar and puts his one front paw up on the bar. The bartender asks "what can do for you?" The dog say "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw!"

 

[RunSwimSurf]

A serial killer is walking in the woods in the middle of the night with his next victim. The victim looks up at him and says, "I'm s-s-s-scared."
The serial killer replies,
"You're scared? I have to walk back by myself."

 

[Greenie]

did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed the missionary in the jungle?

 

[Greenie]

How does a lamb recognise its mummy?

It knows the baah code

 

[GeelongMofobi]

Two electrons are walking down the street.

The first one stops and says 'Oh, no! I think I've lost an electron!"
The second one says 'are you sure?'
The first one says 'Yeah, I'm positive'

*Ba doom doom tish*

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A birthday card sent to dad.

Front of card:
Did you hear about the 80 year old man who ran naked through a flower show?

Inside:
He won an award for best dried arrangement.

 

[Averagesupernova]

A duck walks into a bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender says: "No, we don't have any grapes." The next day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender clearly annoyed says: "No, we don't have any grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and again he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender VERY annoyed says: "No, we don't have any damn grapes!" The third day the same duck walks into the same bar and sits down. Bartender asks what he'll have and yes, again, he asks if they have any grapes. The bartender is really p!ssed this time and says: "No, we don't have any friggin grapes. If you come in here one more time and ask for grapes I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor. Now get out of here!" The very next day the same duck walks into the same bar and asks the same bartender: "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks a bit confused and replies: NO. The duck says: "Good, do you have any grapes?"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Yes we can!

- American Canning Company

 

[quantumdude]

A priest, a nun, and a rabbi walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, some kinda joke?"

 

[IAmSuperman]

What is blue and white and if it falls out of a tree it can kill you?


A fridge wearing a denim jacket

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A human head was found floating down the river today. It could be heard singing:
"Ain't got no body, that I can depend on..."

 

[DyslexicHobo]

What's black and white with wheels?

...

A zebra (I lied about the wheels)

 

[mbisCool]

Did you hear that the circus was in town? It's in tents.

What was Beethevon's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa ( OOPS MY BAD)

I much prefer the former.

Kind of a joke: Can I be your pokemon? Because I want to peek-atch-you

 

[Redbelly98]

What was Mozart's favorite fruit? Bananananaaaaaa

That one's less lame if you say Beethoven instead of Mozart

 

[Focus]

The Axiom of Choice is obviously true, the well-ordering principle obviously false, and who can tell about Zorn’s Lemma?

 

[Brilliant!]

Did you hear the one about the elephant, the lion, and the Rabbi?

 

[Ms Music]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Spoiler

You neak up on it.

 

[Ms Music]

A blond takes three years to finally complete a jigsaw puzzle. A friend says: wow that was a long time. The blond replied: it says 8 to 10 years on the box.

Or how about the blond that is having a hard time putting together a puzzle, so she calls her friend that is much smarter than her.

The friend comes over and looks at all the pieces on the table, and asks in bewilderment "what is it supposed to BE?" So the blond says, its supposed to be a tiger. See? And she hands over the box. Which happens to be a box of cereal.

THEIR GRRRRRRRRRRRREAT!

 

[Artman]

Q- What do yoy say to a one legged hitchhiker?
A- Hop in.


Q- what did the fish say when it ran into a wall?
A- Dam!

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Some guy cut his arm off in metal shop today.

He sewed it back on in Home-Ec

 

[Sparhawk]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

to see his flat mate.

 

[apbuiii]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Don't know if this one's been said:

Why is there a fence around a graveyard?




'cause people are just dying to get in

And why are there benches scattered about? They're for rigor mortis to set in.