Collection of Lame Jokes

[BobG]

Q: How do you get an elephant on the subway?





A: Take the 's' out of subway and the 'f' out of way.

 

[drizzle]

two drunks where talking,the first said: say, why do you think trains are important??, the second [was a nerd guy] answered: can't you see you jerk, there're lines beneath!

 

[Kronos5253]

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?















Run away! She's holding a live grenade!

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?




A: Pull the pin and throw it back!

 

[moamen811]

how to put two elephants in a pepsi can without touching each other?!





put the first one then an elephant then the second one
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

 

[qntty]

What's brown and sticky?

Spoiler

a stick

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Every time Dick Cheney smiles, an Angel in heaven get water-boarded.
- Jon Stewart

 

[drizzle]

it's really funny when it comes from kid's mouth;


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer, Amen"

 

[lisab]

it's really funny when it comes from kid's mouth;


"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy’s computer, Amen"

OK, drizzle...that one really made me laugh .

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen, in France?

Spoiler

Linoleum Blown Apart.

 

[VeeEight]

I'm too lazy to look through the thread but the Rodney Dangerfield jokes a few pages down are classic! I used the first one a couple of times to (try to) pick up women*

An now for a joke (hope it hasn't been said already)
There are 10 types of people in the world; those that know binary and those that don't
* I failed miserably

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife wanted bark chips so I blew up the dog.

 

[Hurkyl]

There are 10 types of people in the world; those that know binary and those that don't

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.

 

[humanino]

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary joke.

From which we can infer a lower bound of at least $\aleph_{0}$ types of people possible, thus plenty of room for originality.
This is not going to be a boring world.

 

[sas3]

This one was sent to me in an e-mail.

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment

Is that lame enough for you?

 

[BobG]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

 

[Math Is Hard]

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

You're such a blond.

 

[QuantumED]

3rd Lamest Joke I know.
2nd is Atom and losing electron joke, 1st is pi and square root of negative 1.
Is Mr Wall there?
No.
Is Mrs Wall there?
No.
Are any of the Walls there?
No.
Then what's holding your house up.
*Pauses for groans*

 

[Sorry!]

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

haha I laughed at that one actually. Good stuff.

I agree. Had to email that one to a few folks.

 

[jtbell]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers?

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

 

[QuantumED]

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.

Guy: Doc, every night I've been having these weird dreams in which I'm a pair of teepees with Indians crawling in and out all night.

Doc: OK, here's a prescription for some tranquilizers.

Guy: Tranquilizers?

Doc: Sure, you're two tents.

Rofl.

_____________________
If I knew how to get a signature I'd have one.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Doctor: I have really bad news. You have cancer, and you have alzheimer's.

Patient: Oh thank God! I was afraid it was cancer.

 

[jobyts]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

 

[GeorginaS]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

 

[GeorginaS]

OK, drizzle...that one really made me laugh .

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a kitchen, in France?

Spoiler

Linoleum Blown Apart.

Ha! Okay, I laughed out loud for real.

 

[drizzle]

I'm determined to only have three kids because I have heard that one out of every four kids born in the world is Chinese.

that is a lame one. here's one;


they say that an elephant never forgets; but then, what does an elephant have to remember?

 

[Jimmy]

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey! We have a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Marvin?"WATT is the unit of power?Stone walls do not a prism make, nor iron bars a diffraction grating.Q: Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs
A: They don't commutePolymer physicists are into chains.

 

[OmCheeto]

I discovered that I was allergic to latex, when I put on my first condom, and my penis swelled up.

 

[w3390]

Did you guys know: a cardboard belt is a waist of paper.

 

[WhoWee]

Let me try, here.

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet? A 1997 World Hide-and-Seek champion.

Did you hear about the two ants on the toilet seat? One of them got pissed off.

Now that's funny.

 

[BobG]

If you're wondering why I haven't been on much lately, it's because I was walking near a mental institution the other day. I could hear a bunch of the residents yelling, "13 ... 13 ... 13 ... 13!", but I couldn't see why they were yelling - the grounds are closed off on that side by a wooden fence that's too tall to see over.

Finally, I noticed a gap between two loose boards. I peeked through and someone poked me in the eye with a stick! It left me writhing on the ground in pain covering my injured eye.

As I dragged myself up off the ground and thought about making a trip to the emergency room, it heard the residents started yelling, "14 ... 14 ... 14 ... 14!"

 

[SignorPorcino]

Q. Why didn't the teddy bear eat its dessert?
A. Because he was stuffed!

Q. Where do generals keep their armies?
A. In their sleevies!

Q.Why was the nose sad?
A. Because it wasn't picked!

Just thought I'd throw those out there.

 

[mlerocks]

why is a crocodile brown and flat? Because if it was round and yellow it would be a lemon!

Why did the elephant stand on the marshmellow? Because it didnt want to get into the hot chocolate!

Why didn't the chicken skeleton want to cross the road? Because it had no guts!​

 

[Galteeth]

Why are pirate physicists the worst kind of pirates?


They make you walk the Planck.

 

[GeorginaS]

Olaf and his wife had been married for 50 years when Olaf passed away.

His wife went to the newspaper to publish an announcement. She told the obituary writer to print the words, "Olaf died".

"Oh come now," said the newsman, "you must have something more you'd like to say about him. After all, you've been married for 50 years. You have children. He was an upstanding member of the community. Surely there must be something! Here, if money is an issue, you can have the first five words for free".

So she thought for a moment and then said, "Olaf died. Boat for sale."

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Olaf died. Boat for sale.

When Olaf was younger he found a mirror on his walk in the woods and brought it home to his wife. She threw it back at him angrily asking "Why did you bring me a picture of your girlfriend?". He looked at it again and said "That's not a picture of my girlfriend, it's a picture of my father."