Collection of Lame Jokes

[artis]

 

[artis]

 

[artis]

Ukrainian cats shot towards fighting "Russian rats"

 

[Borg]

This is on my cube at work.

 

[Ibix]

This is on my cube at work.

It's only a small change, you'd have spotted any bugs.

 

[Ibix]

Since I in all honesty had to look this joke up in google before I could laugh about it, I thought I'll post a link to an explanation.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nuclear_Gandhi

There's an elderly game called Star Control II in which you have to fly around a galaxy trying to figure out what's going on. One of the hazards you encounter is a kind of robot probe that will always initiate peaceful contact with you and then open fire. When you eventually track down the originators of the probes they're nice guys who bought self replicating probes off another race and sent them off to seek out new life and new civilisations (to coin a phrase). Unfortunately they tweaked the probes' priorities a little (did I mention that they were self-replicating?), accidentally making the probes seek out new life and new civilisations and then render them down for raw materials to build new probes. So that's a game that features a Nuclear Gandhi as a plot point.

Borg's post above is also relevant...

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

More memes about Ukraine:

Sold to benefit Ukraine. There are many different religious figures with a variety of weapons.

This is from a NY Times article which has a nice quote:

The head of the Ukrainian post office called the stamp “a symbol of courage and indomitable spirit of the Ukrainian people in the fight against Russia.”

“As the postal service we are always happy when the addressee gets the message,” he said.

 

[phinds]

I'm an engineer so when someone tells me "You're going to regret that in the morning" I sleep until the afternoon. I'm a problem solver.

 

[Mark44]

View attachment 299882

The explanation is wrong.
The check was made out for $.002, which is the amount Randall Munroe was billed for. No amount of explanation on his part got through to the clueless Verizon employee he talked to.
$e^{i\pi} = -1$ is what is written, not $e^{2\pi}$. The explanation for the summation is correct.
The amount of the check is .002 - 1 + 1 = $0.002, or 2/10 of a cent.

Edit: Looks like several people beat me to the punch here.

 

[Mark44]

The check is for 0.002$. I don't get it.

The explanation is wrong. Randall Munroe had an extensive explanation about Verizon billing him $.002 one time.

 

[Borg]

Might as well post the rest of the story, the actual recording and the XKCD that it spawned.

https://verizonmath.blogspot.com/
https://imgs.xkcd.com/verizon_billing.mp3
https://xkcd.com/verizon/

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Oldman too]

I'm an engineer so when someone tells me "You're going to regret that in the morning" I sleep until the afternoon. I'm a problem solver.

What is the definition of an engineer? Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

 

[phinds]

What is the definition of an engineer? Answer: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

No, that's a psychiatrist not an engineer.

 

[Oldman too]

No, that's a psychiatrist not an engineer

*Rummages around for Psychiatry jokes... only comes up with another Engineering joke* (I'm working on it)

A fire engineer, who could not speak Arabic, was finding it difficult to market his newly invented fire extinguisher in the Arabian continent. He consulted an expert who advised him to use photographic symbols. Now he proceeded with a three-stage demonstration photographs, namely (1) a car on fire, (2) a man fighting the fire with the device, then (3) a clean car. Meanwhile, the Arabs read from right to the left, so they avoided the device completely.

 

[DennisN]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

This "fish" tale appeared in the local newspaper yesterday.

Two guys went fishing in a small boat in a pond. One guy used a small frog as bait, and hooked something big. When he reeled it in, they saw it was a large water snake, with the frog in its mouth.

They weren't crazy about snakes, so they got a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon from the tackle box, and poured some of it into the snake's mouth. The snake let go of the frog and swam off.

A bit later they felt something thumping against the side of the boat. It was the snake again, with two frogs in its mouth.

 

[DennisN]

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 300334

Did the ancient mammoth have to hop on just one huge hoof?

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

Just paid my taxes.

The roads should be fixed any day now.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[Oldman too]

View attachment 300364

That really is clever.

 

[Oldman too]

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They wouldn't do it. It's a hardware problem.

 

[Hamiltonian]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jack action]

The car horn was invented to warn people in case of danger.

The proof of that is that everybody uses it when a couple gets married.

 

[jtbell]

Today I learned that Ireland is the richest country in the world...

because its capital has been doublin' every year for the last hundred years.