Ask a Stupid Quetion Get a Stupid Answer

[arunbg]

"If the Mona Lisa were alive today, and were authentically moaning, would it be because 1.) She was being tattooed, 2.) She was having a body piercing done, or 3.) Just got her credt card bill?"

No, no, no as per the paparazzi it's because on her 500th birthday, she found out that she had grown a streak of grey hair.
That made her say "Oh lame saint" referring to ... ?

 

[Moridin]

That made her say "Oh lame saint" referring to ... ?

One of the ancient Celtic writings on lunar astrology and how the starts exert profound influence on the choices you make in your life. Other interpretations, notably by Ricard M. Blosser, Ph.D in fairyology, has been that it actually represents a modern form of paralysis from analysis, which he experienced during an excavation of a medieval statues of the great Sweden King Gustav Wasa, who coincidentally liked to go skiing and, according to controversial sources that lacks independent verification, also was interested in the occult, especially the fine are of detecting small flying mythological female creatures using a broken stick.

By the way, how would one go about getting a Ph.D in fairyology?

 

[Huckleberry]

Seeing as how it is well known that all events that occur as a result of dubious circumstances are a result of the actions of fairies, it can be assumed that fairies may be responsible for all events that we do not understand. So the best way to become a fairyologist would be to master the understanding of nothing at all. When one understands nothing then the behaviours of fairies can be observed in everything.

Degrees in fairyology are offered at universities around the world. Two things are required, the ability to accept what is taught and perform it as directed at the required time, and the conviction that one actually possesses knowledge.

Yesterday I was speaking with a friend who told me he had won a battle of the bands in his city. He was very pleased and hoped to win again this year. I congratulated him on his success and remarked at how fortunate he is to have such great musical ability. His job is to party and he can hardly choose among all the women available to him. Should I be envious of him?

 

[NeoDevin]

Yesterday I was speaking with a friend who told me he had won a battle of the bands in his city. He was very pleased and hoped to win again this year. I congratulated him on his success and remarked at how fortunate he is to have such great musical ability. His job is to party and he can hardly choose among all the women available to him. Should I be envious of him?

No, time spent being envious could better be spent finding women for yourself.

Can you find women by yourself?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Can you find women by yourself?

Yes, it they're Miss Teen USA contestants and you have a map.

Recently when I was crawling on all fours around the cafe, La Souris Perdue I realized I had no map. Regardless, I found a woman and, tugging on her skirt I called up to her "Je suis perdue!" Pinning my tail to the floor with her foot, she reached down, grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, lifted me up, and staring down her nose at me she said "Are you a zoobie or a mouse?"

"I'm neither. I'm a bunch of grocery clerks paying a bill by collecting a lost delivery boy. Are you Miss Teen U.S.A.?"

"I'm neither. I'm Miss Teen Iraq, or Miss Teen South Afrika. Possibly Miss Teen Asia. Are you lost?

"I'm neither. I've cracked the Da Vinci code, and I've swum the channel. I have danced the last tango in Paris, and rode the Titanic all the way to the bottom. I have asked what I could do for my country and I have written riddles for the Sphinx. I have solved triangles and made squares more complicated. I have drunk moonshine on a chilly November night in August wrapped in the skin of a bear I killed with his own hands. Who does not like the Simpsons and why?"

"Whore you calling insensible??"

 

[Moridin]

"Whore you calling insensible??"

Insensibility thinks that its besotted, abusive claque is a benign and charitable agency. Unfortunately for it, it's wrong. The following text regards my complaints of recent days against it and its subtle but semi-intelligible attempts to create a regime of inhumane barbarism. Throughout history, there has been a clash between those who wish to help people break free of the insensible cycle of oppression and those who wish to create a world without history, without philosophy, without science, without reason -- a world without beauty of any kind, without art, without literature, without culture. Naturally, insensibility belongs to the latter category.

What can we do in the presence of this great injustice?

 

[Jungy]

What can we do in the presence of this great injustice?

Just hide in a bomb shelter.


What's 1 + 7?

 

[Huckleberry]

it's the original concept for the Van Halen almbum, OU812. It's kind of like a donut. You start in the middle then work your way out. It's all about the symbolism of migrant seagulls as they fly from coast to coast over vast areas of land using nothing but a highly developed sensitivity to industrial sized deep fat fryers to guide them.

So I was driving to a shopping mall the other day and not far away in the parking lot of MacDonalds I saw this seagull poking around some trash. It obviously found something that it liked because I saw its head roll back and it started bobbing it's neck up and down as it swallowed what looked to be an entire Big Mac. I felt certain that the gull would choke on this, comparatively, monstrous meal. I was about to run over there and render medical aid to what I thought would be an asphyxiating seagull, but sure enough the burger began to move down it's neck. The gross disfigurement of the burger sliding down this bird's gullet was reminiscent of Tom and Jerry cartoons I watched as a child. I could have been no more surprised than if this avian anomoly had consumed an umbrella whole and then opened it inside himself by some miraculous prestidigitation. Before I knew it I was walking into Best Buy to pick up some ink for my photo scanner while humming to myself 'All beef pattie, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.' The door attendant greeted me cordially. I couldn't help but feel that my loose grasp on reality had somehow been irreversibly shaken.

Can a seagull fly after eating an entire Big Mac in one muscular contraction?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Can a seagull fly after eating an entire Big Mac in one muscular contraction?

This study:

seagullswallowxssw12

indicates that most seagulls can fly after eating an entire Big Mac in one muscular convulsion. In fact, they may do it after up to four muscular convulsions before their ability to fly is compromised. After five muscular convulsions 34.77% of seagulls experienced a sudden loss of the ability to get themselves airborn, and of those, 73.12% could not even fly aboard commercial airliners (unless there was a goat sacrifice.)

How many seagulls must be sacrificed before a goat can fly?

 

[Huckleberry]

Only the entire Flock of Seagulls must be sacrificed. Ironically enough, Flock of Seagulls gained their popularity by selling their souls to a demonic goat. He said "By my bless-ed beard I shall endow your scalp with hair that defies the very laws of nature, and it shall be the source of your supernatural ability." Like all demons, his gifts were as twisted as the horns on his head. He gave Flock of Seagulls the ability to supernaturally suck. Then he jammed their souls onto fish hooks and stuck them in his favorite fishing hat before flying away to relax by his timeshare along the river Styx.

What is the going rate for a timeshare in Hades these days?

 

[Math Is Hard]

Only the entire Flock of Seagulls must be sacrificed. Ironically enough, Flock of Seagulls gained their popularity by selling their souls to a demonic goat. He said "By my bless-ed beard I shall endow your scalp with hair that defies the very laws of nature, and it shall be the source of your supernatural ability." Like all demons, his gifts were as twisted as the horns on his head. <edit: blasphemy> Then he jammed their souls onto fish hooks and stuck them in his favorite fishing hat before flying away to relax by his timeshare along the river Styx.

What is the going rate for a timeshare in Hades these days?

Hades, Nevada? I wasn't paying attention during the presentation about the timeshare. I just wanted to get my free bagel slicer and get the hell out of there.

Not only has my attention span become a distracting problem, but I seem to be developing mild jellybean synesthesia. All the pink ones taste like cotton candy, the green ones taste of lime, and the yellow ones produce definite banana flavor sensations. I don't know how I came to acquire such peculiar associations, but it seems the only remedy is to hold my nose. Do you think I should see a specialist?

 

[daveb]

Do you think I should see a specialist?

Why in the world would anyone want to see that movie, let alone any Stallone movie? Yes, it also starred the wonderful James Woods, but even that's not enough to get me to see that movie! About the only Stallone movie I can stand is Victory (a relatively decent movie if you haven't seen it), despite the fact he's in it. Do you suppose he'll make another tired remake of Rocky?

 

[Moridin]

Do you suppose he'll make another tired remake of Rocky?

One of the questions that have plagued philosophers since the dawn of modern man is this exact conundrum. If it is possible to make a rock, would it be possible to make the same rock the same again with their distinctive features already intact; fish with fins and scales; birds with wings, feathers, beaks etc.? Naturally, the blind watchmaker could indeed give rise to the devil's chaplain through the evolutionary processes that is conveniently labeled as the selfish gene. Perhaps a better angle to view the problems through is thinking it of as a river out of eden. Like a river, poor remakes of movies that where bad to begin with are indeed vacuous precis som om det hade varit en helt annan grej, som typ en bok, vars anagram became: Dog: Charles Darwin did OK in the US. To really follow the argument to its logical conclusion, what would our ancestors have responded to the sun rise? Our Ancestors' Tale is indeed rich of predictions on whether it is possible to climb a very high mountain. It is so improbable that we can even label it as climbing Mt. Improbable.

How low can I go?

 

[Math Jeans]

Not lower than the limbo bar.

Are Jamacans really obsessed with limbo?

 

[turbo]

Not lower than the limbo bar.

Are Jamacans really obsessed with limbo?

No, only with the limbo bar. If your soul is going to be sequestered for what may be an eternity, it's nice to have a place to get liquid refreshments while you're there.

How low can you go?

 

[Math Jeans]

Lower than Moridin.

How many Scovilles does it take to burn a hole in a person's skin?

 

[Zbornak]

About 1,800,000 which corresponds to the level of hotness of a half-naked, limbo dancing, Jamaican seagull.

If god exists, does she believe in herself, does she have faith in her omni-powers or does she have self-confidence issues like most girls do?

(Hello to all of you! I'm new here! :þ)

 

[Zenparticle]

No, she has PMS and is quite angry you asked, she will be sending you a lightning bolt to the rear asap.

Will I win the lottery?

 

[Math Jeans]

You already have.

I think Hell just froze over. What should I do?

 

[Zbornak]

Wear a toque.

Are we there yet?

 

[Math Jeans]

You asked me that ten years ago and the answer is still no.

Where are we supposed to be going anyway?

 

[turbo]

To Hell in a handbasket.

What's in your handbasket, Dorothy?

 

[Zenparticle]

A can of corned hand-Toto's Favorite!

Do you want a dancing monkey?

 

[rhuthwaite]

No I want a naughty zebra.

So what's the moral of the story?

 

[Zbornak]

Always keep your jellyfishes and your condoms away from naughty zebras.

What happens if you put all your eggs in one handbasket?

 

[Huckleberry]

You make a really big omelet and throw the shells on the compost pile.

Speaking of compost, I have one in my backyard. It started out as a trash dump because I was too lazy to bring my refuse to the public dump. Then the neighbors complained and showed me some city ordnance that prohibits private dumping in residential areas. So I spent weeks removing all the recyclables and nonbiodegradable matter. What I was left with was a rather large, steaming pile of kitchen compost. According to the city ordnance there are no regulations against compost piles in my area. So now that is where I dump all my biodegradable kitchen scraps and lawn clippings.

At first I let my refuse pile sit there just to annoy my neighbors, but last year I noticed that the compost melted the snow around the pile. The process of decomposing generates quite a bit of heat. One of my neighbors offered to take the compost to keep her plants from freezing in the winter. I considered this a clever trick to remove the public eyesore I was so proud of, however, her proposal did give me another useful idea.

I'm thinking of using compost to heat my house in the winter time. I figure a pile in every room should be enough to keep me warm and save me lots of money on heating expenses. I also don't have to take out the trash anymore or bag loads of leaves and grass clippings. I just throw my trash on the floor and use a wheelbarrow to cart my lawn garbage indoors. There I dump it in whichever room I want to be warmer. When summer comes around I'll just wheel it out to my backyard again. I can save hundreds of dollars every year and brag about how green I am to all the environmentalists.

My only quetion is, what can I do about the smell?

 

[Math Jeans]

Get used to it and make your guests wear gas masks.

Should I wear a gas mask during flu season?

 

[turbo]

Depends on what kind of gas you've got the mask hooked up to.

I have two big compost bins. Why do I bother heating with a wood stove?

 

[zoobyshoe]

I have two big compost bins. Why do I bother heating with a wood stove?

Because, despite having read the instructions for your Do-It-Yourself Backyard Breeder Reactor three times you still can't find where it says what animal you're supposed to breed with it to get it started.

Recently I purchased a Do-It-Yourself Backyard Breeder Reactor. I've read the instructions three times, but I'm still confused. What animal are you supposed to fling via trebuchet at a horde of attacking double-pawed kittens?

 

[Zbornak]

A male lycanthropic starfish.

Are starfishes hunted down by paparazzi?

 

[zoobyshoe]

Are starfishes hunted down by paparazzi?

Starfishes are attention whores who lounge around just begging to have their photographs taken, never attempting to escape the flash-bulbed hunters, so, no. Too easy.

Recently I received an "expiry" notice from an internet forum where I post saying my subscription was soon to require renewal.

Reaching into my wallet for my credit card I discovered, to my amazement, that my credit card was being chewed upon by a smallish, yellow starfish. Unable to believe my eyes I said to it: "Who are you, and where the hell is the octopus I keep in my wallet to guard my credit card?"

Pausing from his meal, the starfish looked up at me and said: "I am wearing a plaid kilt and you must put the "bag" back into "bagpipes".

Why do starfishes always talk with their mouth full?

 

[Gokul43201]

Why do starfishes always talk with their mouth full?

It's all explained in Gnarles Jarvin's theory of Jellovution and in the excellent work by Hertzell and Russprung on starfish jellovution...

The early starfish - protostarfish - figured out that every time they opened their mouths to speak, the sea would rush in, resulting in unpleasant, gagging sensations. The dull starfish couldn't figure out a solution to this problem, and jellovolved into brown barfs, a species of star-creature doomed to a life of silence. Jarvin also explains how some of these brown barfs walked out of the sea and became Benedictine monks, but that's a different story.

Now, the really bright starfish, however, jellovolved into a species capable of speaking while swallowing vast amounts of sea (and tiny seacreatures), and a small number of these fat slobs consumed so much sea-mass that they collapsed into the most singular seacreatures ever: the black gobholes.

The rest is history...we've all read what Alfred, Hundredshaker, Rogets Pentarose and Stevie Shocking have had to say about the starfish: that they're perfectly disgusting things with absolutely no sense of decency (they eat with five elbows on the table).

So, lately I've heard rumors that all the starfish are slowly drifting towards an unobservable object that jellitivists and gobsmologists are calling the dark platter. I think that's a bunch of jellyslime.

But I'm rambling...so what was this all about anyway?

 

[zoobyshoe]

...so what was this all about anyway?

I'm certain I'm sure, maybe, but I can't tell.

In the meantime I think you may have opened a can of weird, purple jellyfish by raising the thorny subject of Jellovution. It begs the quetion:

Could "all this" have actually merely jellovolved, by weird, purple selection, or was it created, deliberately, according to some Ententicled Design?

 

[Huckleberry]

I was looking through my telescope last night. I stood hunched over the eye-piece wearing a purple, hooded sweatshirt with my hands balled up and stuffed in the pocket to ward off the cold. After several hours I noticed a strange, blurry object writhing about at the edge of my view. It seemed to resist any attempts for me to focus on it, sometimes squirming across the heavens at unimaginable velocity to excape my observation. Finally, as I was about to scream in frustration, an image began to appear.

I was looking across the universe at myself, standing hunched over a telescope wearing a purple sweatshirt with my hands stuffed in the pocket. My image appeared to be as surprised as I at this spectacle. Suddenly he turned around and looked at me. The face staring at me was not my own, but that of a weird, purple, ententicled jellyfish.

I felt suddenly as though I could not breath. As hard as I tried to inhale I seemed to have no lungs to hold air. My heart was gone too, with all my blood, evaporated into the ether. I tried to run but found that my bones had disolved and left my limbs flapping like grammy's underarms. I tried to look for help, but I had no eyes to see. I could feel my consciousness expanding and contracting, drifting back across the universe. . Then I thinks to myself, "Oh noes" and realize I have no brain to think. All that is left is this feeling of being all groovy and purple, with tentacles.

Next thing I know I'm waking up in my bed, but for some reason it is in the backyard. I spit the end of my telescope out of my mouth and hear my friends laughing at me from the porch. I throw off the covers, scattering empty cans and bottles across the yard, and run to the bathroom. After emptying the contents of my stomach in the sink I hardly notice the genetalia drawn on my face in indelible marker or that half my head is shaved. All I could remember was that weird, groovy, purple feeling. It must be jellativity.

I'm not sure if "all this" merely jellovolved by weird purple selection or if it was created deliberately through Ententicled Design. Was my experience some vision of jellovolution of humanity, or was it just the Ententicled Design of some inebriated college fraternity guys?

 

[madcat11]

I Was my experience some vision of jellovolution of humanity, or was it just the Ententicled Design of some inebriated college fraternity guys?

Er, the latter.

Is there an end to all this jellitivity?