Collection of Lame Jokes

[mugaliens]

a piece of string walks into a bar.

the bar tender says "Hey you, string! get out of here! we don't serve string in this bar!" so the string walks outside into the alley, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends up as much as he can.

he walks back into the bar.

the bartender says "hey! aren't you that piece of string?!"

the string replies "nope, frayed knot!"

 

[nino508]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

 

[Lancelot59]

i just had to create an account here cos i laughed so much when i read some of these jokes lol

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

 

[nino508]

That's a good a reason as any I guess. Welcome to the forums.

haha thanks
i'll try thinking of the lames jokes i know xD

 

[HeLiXe]

Welcome nino

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[mugaliens]

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

 

[The legend]

Politicians are like baby diapers - they have to be changed often, and for the same reason.

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[NobodySpecial]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing
The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles?
Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.
However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.
Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

 

[mugaliens]

Management training interview questions.

1, How do you get a giraffe into a fridge?
Open the door - sometimes the answer is simple

FAIL. Volume of giraffe exceeds that of a fridge.

2, How do you get an elephant into a fridge?
First remove the giraffe - remember that previous decisions have consequences

STILL FAIL. Volume of elephant exceeds that of a fridge, even after giraffe is removed.

3, The lion king holds a meeting of all the animals, who is missing? The elephant - remember you left him in the fridge, memory is useful for managers.

ABSOLUTELY FAIL. He wandered off, onto the Serenghetti plain, and was subsequently eaten by lions because he didn't fit into the fridge, with or without the giraffe.

The ability to grasp reality is more useful to managers than memory. Pencil and paper supplant the latter. Nothing can supplant the former.

4, You have to cross a river, how do you avoid being eaten by crocodiles? Easy, the crocodiles are all at the meeting - if you hold too many meetings nothing gets done.

Shoot them. Dead crocodiles are not a problems, and once dead, they don't hamper boardroom meetings.

In tests, 90% of management trainees got no questions right.

In tests, 90% of those who created these sorts of tests were discovered to have lost touch with reality long ago. Of the remaining 10%, 9 out of 10 folks who adhere to these sorts of tests lost touch with reality a short while ago.

However many kindergarten pupils got some of them right.

Kindergarteners have yet to loose touch with reality.

Anderson consulting publicized this result as scientific proof that managers are NOT like 4 year olds!

Other consultants have hired kindergarteners to replace their management consultants.

Lesson learned: Pat/smug answers may sound good in the boardroom, but they FAIL in reality.

 

[jobyts]

Texas grocery retailer HEB (H.E Butt) wants to acquire Whole Foods. The name after the merger would be H.E. Butt Whole Foods.

Someone in the office was telling he had a high school teacher with a last name Butts. His wife's first name was Afilia.

 

[Dr Lots-o'watts]

A skeleton walks into a bar, he asks for a beer and a mop.

 

[Lacy33]

*bump*
This thread is keeping us alive here. :shy:

 

[Lancelot59]

The recipie for chick-chick-chicken:

Stuff chicken nuggets into chicken strips, and then stuff those into a whole chicken.

 

[Lacy33]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, what are you going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[Borg]

 

[Lacy33]

During a recent password audit at a company, it was found that a receptionist was using the following password: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

 

[HeLiXe]

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says, “Thanks Jew Boy, what are you going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"

*snickers*

 

[Evo]

Lacy, both of those were great!

 

[cobalt124]

Why did the chicken cross the ocean? - To get to the other tide.

What have a pigs tail and a 5 a.m. start for work in common? - Both are twirly.

 

[cobalt124]

Why did the chicken cross the football pitch? - Because the referee blew for a foul

What did Skippy say when Scotty fell down a mineshaft? - Tut tut tut

"It was so slippy the other day, every step I took forwards I slipped two back. If I hadn't have turned round to go home, I'd never have got to work"

From a famous 70's song:

"Yes, I'm being followed by CIA informers, Goon Shadow, Goon Shadow

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: It was chicken.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

EMAIL WARNING!

If you receive an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi", DO NOT open it. It contains nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

 

[Upisoft]

Q: Why didn't the turkey cross the road?
A: It was chicken.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: GPS malfunction.

 

[Acuben]

these jokes are great. I would quote some and tell which ones I like even more :P but no time... meh

I hope you don't mind jokes in a big chunkLittle Johnny is always kind and polite and is the best, with straight A's and also a proud student of Mr.K's physics 101 class.
Mr. K thought that little Johnny would be perfect if he wasn't so quiet and more outgoing.
One day, as Mr. K was giving lectures about vectors, he saw little Johnny flipping his finger and rotating, and waving it towards the class.
"Don't flip people off Johnny" Mr.K warned him.
"oh Sorry" replied little Johnny.
Mr.K was irritated by the actions of his favorite student Johnny, but when he saw Johnny's behavor good as usual, he was relieved.

As always Johnny got A on the next test. In fact, he did so well that he got 100% on the vector test.

On the day of the finals, Mr.K noticed that Johnny injured his pinky and it was wrapped in gauze along with a finger next to it,
but what bothered Mr.K even more was that little Johnny looked nervous.
"You look nervous" said Mr.K.
"Because I injured my pinky" said little Johnny.
'He's not just shy, but sensitive as well...' thought Mr.K "That's nothing to be nervous about Johnny. Just relax"
"o..ok" replied little Johnny.
"teacher's pet!" a student on the right cried out. Johnny didn't say anything.
Mr. K heard it, but pretended like he didn't hear it because he had to pass out the tests.

During the test, Mr.K was displeased to see that little Johnny was flipping toward the student who made fun of him.
"Johnny, I warned you not to flip people off. If you do that again, I'll give you an 'F' in the class."
"sorry" Johnny squeaked. Other students laughed.
Later on Mr.K saw Johnny flipping people towards him
In anger Mr.K said, "Alright Johnny you got yourself an 'F', don't bother to stay in the class."
Johnny left the class.
During the nest day, Mr.K was distressed over little Johnny and called him to ask him what the problem was.
"Nothing Mr.K, but it seems you don't like the right hand rule." Johnny replied.
"What do you mean? I was the one teaching the right hand rule." Mr.K replied.
"but everytime I use the right hand rule, you seemed to get anger." Johnny continued.
Mr.K finally understood what was happening and gave Johnny an "A"
-Why can't a person with good eyes see himself?
Because he doesn't have a mirror
-Why can't a person with bad eyes see himself?
his are that bad

-Why do we give vaccines to babies?
we give vaccines to babies?... uh oh...-If a donkey have race with a horse, the horse usually win.
One day a mean, crazy, and violent donkey won the race. Why?
Because he is a badass

-If a donkey have race with a horse, the horse usually win.
One day a donkey won the race. Why?
It was a race between donkeys

-What did scissors say to a paper?
nothing
-No really, what did scissors say to a paper?
scissors. I win

The rabbit had race again turtle. On the first year, rabbit won all 100 races.
On the next year, the turtle challenged rabbit for race again.
"haha. If you think you'll even have a chance!" said the rabbit.
and the turtle actually won all 100 races.
on the 3rd year, the turtle won majority of the races, which was 60 out of 100 races.
On the 4th year, turtle won all 100 race
On the 5th year, turtle won 99 race out of 100. How did this happen?
2nd year: they had a swimming race
3rd year: it was very rainy, swampy and wet year
4th year: The rabbit was traumatized by his defeat. Or who knows? maybe the water neary killed him and he needed to recover.
5th year: The rabbit simply didn't care anymore. So turtle won. As for the last race, no body body know That won.
Turns out that "That" was the name of the rabbit.
The next generation of turtle and rabbit had a race on a grassy plain and on a dry day. The turtle won. How?
He was just that good.

-A nerd and an asian had a fight. Who won?
The nerd. Not all asians are Jackie Chan.
-A nerd and a ninja had a fight. Who won?
The nerd. It turns out that he was a ninja as well. In fact, a better ninja.
-the same ninja nerd and an attractive, skinny teenager girl had a fight. Who won?
The girl. Why not? it happens in anime all the time...Who's scarier than a smart person?
A smarter person.
Who's scarier than that?
even smarter person.
Who's scarier than that?
Extremely smart person like Einstein
Who's scarier than that?
Dumb person (you can't reason with him)
Who's scarier than that?
Thoughtless person who doesn't have a plan (how are you supposed to read his mind when there's nothing in his mind?
Who's scarier than that?
Smart person who pretends to be dumb (you let your guard down and he gets what he wants, but you don't know this because you think he's dumb
Anything that's even more scarier?
A mob of dumb people. (you can't reason with them, you have no idea what their plan is, you can't predict them
yet they have so much power, including political powers- worst case scenarioIn a mental hospital a patient grabbed fish pole and threw in the lines in a toilet and sat there.
Another patient saw this patient fishing and said to someone next to him. "he's insane" and went to the
patient who was holding the fish pole. "So how's fishing?" and the patient who was holding the fish pole
replied in an angry voice "Does it look like I am fishing?!"
The patient who asked the question returned to the person he was speaking to earlier and whispered to him
in an embarrasing voice "Nevermind, he's sane."
During a math test...
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"I'm not telling you."
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"Figure it out"
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
"that's what the test is for."
"Mr. Silva, what's answer for number one?"
finally he gave in.
"17!"
I heard all the students making exciting 'scribble scribble' sound on their tests. Following with a grown. Following with a laugh. Following with a massive scrubble(rubber) sound. It was a true or false question.
Hey I was one of them...

What is the formula for E=MC^2 ?

Both my real and imaginary friend together are complex.

You may not know my imaginary friend, but when he has the power of multiple pies. You'll know him...( e^(0,m*pi)=Integir where m=number of pies...mmm pies )
When a normal person sees his friend, he generally talks about fun conversation.
When a smart person sees his friend, he generally talks about plans for his future.
What does a dumb person talk about when he sees his friend? Nothing. He use sign language.

 

[The legend]

LOL!^

 

[Acuben]

This thread has been getting absolutely hammered for days now. Does anyone know why?

edit: It comes up third in a google search for "lame jokes". Maybe that explains it?

2nd now!

 

[Dr Lots-o'watts]

"You raise me up", the song Darth Vader wrote for his wife Ella.

 

[The legend]

2nd now!

down to 3rd again...

 

[Borek]

down to 3rd again...

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

 

[The legend]

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

i see...you must have it 2nd then.

 

[Acuben]

actually i do see it at 3rd now, but I'll stop talking about it

 

[Pattonias]

EMAIL WARNING!

If you receive an email titled "Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi", DO NOT open it. It contains nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

nice

 

[drizzle]

It may depend on your localization and Google datacenter that you are redirected to.

Well, for me it comes up first in a google search! What would that mean?