Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

Quite a Gal. She got lost during the filming of Wonder Woman. To continue filming, they were all waiting for Gadot.

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

It was not clear to me that the breathing exercises that women learn in courses before birth are really used when the children are in puberty!

 

[member 656954]

Schrödinger's cat walked into a bar. And didn't.

 

[jtbell]

What do you get when Mister Ed talks too much?

A hoarse horse, of course, of course!

 

[jbriggs444]

What do get when Mister Ed talks too much?

That brings to mind:

"A host is a host from coast to coast
and no one will talk to the host that's close
unless the host (that isn't close)
is busy, hung or dead"

 

[WWGD]

When I stay at a hotel in the South, I ask room service for some sweet tea for my Sweetie in Suite E.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[jtbell]

Great German restaurant today. They had the best of the Wurst.

But I hear they have terrible service.

 

[Ibix]

But I hear they have terrible service

It's fine if you order a side salad or something, but otherwise it's just the wurst.

 

[Ibix]

It was not clear to me that the breathing exercises that women learn in courses before birth are really used when the children are in puberty!

This is not funny, and seems likely to remain not funny for the next seven or eight years.

(I have a nearly-teenager, if that isn't obvious.)

 

[fresh_42]

(I have a nearly-teenager, if that isn't obvious.)

Yep, it's one of nature's wonder how something can turn from absolute cuteness into pure horror!

 

[Ibix]

Yep, it's one of nature's wonder how something can turn from absolute cuteness into pure horror!

I recall reading (in a New Scientist article, so treat with appropriate caution) that during the teenage years the brain undergoes a radical change in how it models other people. Which means that there's a window where they have neither a childish nor an adult notion of other people as anything really different from furniture. Which means they can become little [insert descriptive of choice here]s because it's difficult for them to conceive of why they shouldn't behave that way, let alone actually not do it.

True or not, I cling on to it as a source of patience...

 

[gmax137]

seems likely to remain not funny for the next seven or eight years

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

 

[mfb]

It's fine if you order a side salad or something, but otherwise it's just the wurst.

You'll get the wurst either way. Wurst salad in that case (it's a real thing).

 

[davenn]

 

[256bits]

Commandant: Achtung
Prisoners : Gesundheit

 

[WWGD]

A project manager is someone who believes nine women together can have a baby in one month.

 

[WWGD]

Commandant: Achtung
Prisoners : Gesundheit

fahrvernugen!

 

[davenn]

Yeah, the dinosaur would need a snorkel and mask at the very least

 

[member 656954]

This is true, I tells ya...

Two baseball announcers, Harry and Pat, are carpooling to the field, and Harry, the driver was flying, doing about 90 on the parkway when a police car pulls them over. And Pat’s like, “Oh, you're in trouble here, Harry,”

Harry laughs, and says, “Wadda you mean, I'm a broadcaster for the best club in the league. I'm never in trouble, okay. You watch this. I'll get out of this ticket. No problem.”

So, the police officer walks up the driver’s window and asks, “Can I get your license and registration, please?”

And Harry says, “You know, Officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car.”

The police officer is shocked and immediately alert, so, he says, “Sir, would you mind getting out of the vehicle?” Clearly, he’s sensing something is going on, so he follows up with. “Is there anything else you want tell me?”

Harry comes straight back with, “Well, to be honest with you, I've got a loaded gun in the glove compartment.”

Now the police officer has his hand on his own gun, but he stays cool and demands, “All right, sir, can you come on out here, now please.”

And so, Harry gets out of the car. Then the police officer says, “Anything else? Because I'm going to call my partner now, so now’s the time if there’s anything else you want to tell me?”

Harry looks a little askance and says, “You know, if we're going to get right down to it, officer, I have a dead body in the trunk and I'm on a little bit of a timeline here.”

So now the policeman has Harry and Pat out of the car, and he’s going through the vehicle very carefully. As he is doing this, the other policeman comes over. Seeing the two announcers, his eyes go a bit wide as he recognizes them and he asks, “Excuse me, sir, can I talk to you?”

And Harry answers, “What is it, Officer?”

“Well my partner said that you said this was a stolen car. But it's registered to you. He said you have a loaded gun in the glove compartment. There's nothing in there but insurance papers. And he said you have a dead body in the trunk and all you have in there is golf clubs.”

Harry looks the cop dead in the eye. Then he scowls, “And let me guess, that son of a ***** told you I was speeding too.”

Spoiler: The true story...

This was told by Ryan Dempster on an episode of NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell me. Harry is Harry Caray and Pat is Pat Hughes, and even having read my reworking of his telling of the tale, it's worth listening to him tell it.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

 

[DrGreg]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

It's hard to say.

 

[Ibix]

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

Apparently the cops used to use tongue twisters as sobriety tests in the days before cheap portable breathalysers. The BBC panel show QI did a segment on it, concluding that (even sober) they'd just pay the fine and save themselves the bother. "Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie" was my favourite.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

My friend decided to travel to Finland after hearing it is the place of the original Lapp dance.

 

[davenn]

not bad :)

 

[jack action]

 

[AlexCaledin]

https://pin.it/tycie35uj6wnpa

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

OMG ... You Americans, what the ... ? hahahha

I had to Google Earth a few of them to make sure they really existed

 

[WWGD]

OMG ...

I had to Google Earth a few of them to make sure they really existed

View attachment 255801

You can Google the Earth directly? Wait till my grandma hears of it; she still gets into taxis and says "Take me to the internet, pronto!"