Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

The Perks of Being Over 60...
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.
10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

 

[Ibix]

18. You can't remember who sent you this list.

I think it was this guy...

 

[davenn]

I think it was this guy...

hahaha very similar, a few variations that was a long while ago

 

[Keith_McClary]

I doubt this, projecting from the number of things I still seem to learn the hard way in my forties...

I blame it on the proliferation of insufficiently idiot-proof products

 

[Ibix]

I blame it on the proliferation of insufficiently idiot-proof products

Evolution in action - every time engineers develop an idiot-proof product, nature develops a better idiot.

I'm intrigued to note that "idiot" did not seem to be in my phone's auto-complete. It was offering "idiom".

 

[BillTre]

 

[256bits]

View attachment 255822

That is really really tongue n cheek.

 

[davenn]

Spoiler: spoiler

censorship

 

[Wrichik Basu]

Another age-related one, posted by @davenn back in 2014:

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/todays-giggle.765484/post-4819672

 

[davenn]

Another age-related one, posted by @davenn back in 2014:

https://www.physicsforums.com/threads/todays-giggle.765484/post-4819672

HUH ? ... I don't get the connection, the posts are totally different

 

[davenn]

 

[Borg]

I wonder if those contacts are all above board?

 

[mfb]

What I do have are a very particular set of contacts, contacts I have acquired over a very long career, contacts that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my glasses go now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you through my contacts, I will find you, and I will look through my glasses again.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

South Florida can be a dangerous place to walk around at night, this time of year.

Some people gather up the iguanas and sell the meat. Chicken of the trees, anyone?

 

[Ibix]

Iguana know where my chicken comes from...

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 255927​

David Mitchell did a lengthy rant about professionally lettered signs offering "accomodation". He suggested that the sign writers knew full well that it was spelled wrong, but applied "the customer is always right" with malice aforethought, since there was a good chance of a repeat gig from people who realized they'd spelt their own business name wrong...

 

[jack action]

App developers can be funny too (emphasis mine):

What's New
More sorting functions added
Ability to find up to 300 search results
Major bugs fixed
Added more bugs to fix later

 

[WWGD]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

 

[fresh_42]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

Do you know the Golfers' anthem?

Spoiler

Do you know the electricians' anthem?

Spoiler

Touched a thousand times, nothing happened a thousand times! A thousand and one night and it has made zoom!

 

[Ibix]

What kind of ape explodes?

A baboom.

 

[Ibix]

Where do you take a whale to find out how much it weighs?

A whale weigh station.

 

[mfb]

Parachutes are not for people who want to go skydiving but for people who want to go skydiving more than once.

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

 

[256bits]

A follow up study - difference in the risk of death or major harm when impacting with ground with and without parachute:

 

[mfb]

No, the impact with the ground was part of the study.

 

[Ibix]

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

That's hilarious! I love that the paper has a correction because they got the less than/greater than the wrong way round on their p-value.

I know people who do RCTs for a living. I might send them that...

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

Actually, I think they're both models in scrubs...

 

[Ibix]

This is my stepladder.

I never knew my real ladder.

 

[Ibix]

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put it in the oven until its bill withers.

 

[WWGD]

A study found no difference in the risk of death or major harm when jumping out of aircraft with and without parachute:
Parachute use to prevent death and major trauma when jumping from aircraft: randomized controlled trial

How did you get hold of my thesis?

 

[fresh_42]

How did you get hold of my thesis?

Have you looked back as you left the plane? He was right behind you!

 

[WWGD]

https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-girl-sleeping-teddy-bear-449079511

Have you looked back as you left the plane? He was right behind you!

But he was shouting something about his glasses in German.

 

[WWGD]

I have a picture of a kidnapping (kid napping):
https://www.shutterstock.com/image-photo/cute-little-girl-sleeping-teddy-bear-449079511

Should I call the police?