Collection of Lame Jokes

[jtbell]

I guess some people like to ride their motorcycles everywhere.

 

[jack action]

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.

Then I realized who was telling me this.

 

[davenn]

I guess some people like to ride their motorcycles everywhere.

View attachment 258008

I'm willing to be that @berkeman would take that challenge on

 

[davenn]

How much does it cost pirates to get their ears pierced?

About a buccaneer.
Well it is a lame joke thread

 

[fresh_42]

Murder investigation in Hammerfest:
"Where have you been last night between November 23rd and December 17th?"

 

[mfb]

That gives one-night stand a new meaning.

 

[WWGD]

After everything, Corona beer changed its name to avoid the connection of its name with the Wuhan virus.
Now we can all enjoy our ice-cold Ebola beer!

 

[fresh_42]

After everything, Corona beer changed its name to avoid the connection of its name with the Wuhan virus.
Now we can all enjoy our ice-cold Ebola beer!

I don't know the Corona customers in general, but here it is often the show-off. Normal people drink normal beer, i.e. local brands. There is no need in Germany for fancy bottles, lemons and imported brands. Hence, I assume they will change their name on the German market into Marburg beer.

 

[jack action]

A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she gushed.

"No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What I'd give to own that," she said, sighing.

"No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing the coat.

Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said.

"Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?"

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

Another forum I read is discussing people with inappropriate names. Turns out there was a Mr. Hunter who went vegan, and promptly got nicknamed Gatherer.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

My ex-wife still misses me,
but her aim is steadily improving.

 

[DrGreg]

The inventor of anti-bacterial gel must be rubbing their hands this week.

 

[fresh_42]

The inventor of anti-bacterial gel must be rubbing their hands this week.

However, would be the more honest reaction.

 

[davenn]

The inventor of anti-bacterial gel must be rubbing their hands this week.

yeah all the way to the bank, as are the toilet roll manufacturers with all the idiotic panic buying of both
products. The loo paper manuf's are now doing 24/7 production trying to keep up

I went to one of the local supermarkets today to get some general groceries,
there wasnt a roll of loo paper in sight

 

[fresh_42]

yeah all the way to the bank, as are the toilet roll manufacturers with all the idiotic panic buying of both
products. The loo paper manuf's are now doing 24/7 production trying to keep up

I doubt that this will change the overall usage, i.e. they will have to fire people in a few weeks since everybody has toilet paper in their basements for years. Btw. same is true for noodles and rice - at least here.

And the antibacterial soaps are complete rubbish - à propos rubbing hands. Since when are viruses bacteria? Water alone is probably far better than antibacterial gels.

 

[Keith_McClary]

I doubt that this will change the overall usage, i.e. they will have to fire people in a few weeks since everybody has toilet paper in their basements for years. Btw. same is true for noodles and rice - at least here.

Some people will buy large quantities of stuff they will never use (before it spoils). Like bags of flour, rice or beans or yukky canned stews.

 

[mfb]

Canned food and other long-lasting stuff can replace demand for food that doesn't last that long.
Demand for bottled water can go up easily from people who normally drink tap water (independent of what they do with the water later).
I don't expect changes in the toilet paper consumption unless there is a virus that comes with diarrhea.

 

[jack action]

One to celebrate women's day:

«To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.»

 

[Ibix]

One to celebrate women's day:

«To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult.»

"Equality is not a female Einstein making Assistant Professor. Equality is when a female schliemel moves ahead as fast as a male schliemel."

 

[jack action]

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: Answer

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership.

 

[Ibix]

Nicely written so that the question remains unanswered. I expect you'll bill me £80 for your time?

 

[davenn]

And the antibacterial soaps are complete rubbish - à propos rubbing hands. Since when are viruses bacteria? Water alone is probably far better than antibacterial gels.

True, but these dumbdumbs don't know that, they are the same ones that believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows

 

[davenn]

The ancient people who lived near Mount Vesuvius had no currency.
They purchased items by using their PompeiiPal accounts.

 

[davenn]

 

[WWGD]

Research studies found that McDonald's ordering kiosks were more contaminated than a dirty toilet. McDonald's, being the responsible company it is, has gone on to ...replace all kiosks by dirty toilets.

 

[WWGD]

Another forum I read is discussing people with inappropriate names. Turns out there was a Mr. Hunter who went vegan, and promptly got nicknamed Gatherer.

https://ww2.hunter.cuny.edu/osc/gatherer/

 

[davenn]

 

[mfb]

Shouldn't A3000 be way too small to see - and even way smaller than a Planck length?

 

[Ibix]

Shouldn't A3000 be way too small to see - and even way smaller than a Planck length?

Good point. And on that scale a piece of paper that is visible to the human eye most definitely cannot be modeled as 2d, so this clearly isn't a scam.

 

[fresh_42]

True, but these dumbdumbs don't know that, they are the same ones that believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows

 

[jtbell]

Some of the acts that were lined up for Coachella before it was postponed:

Miley Virus
Justin Fever
Rage against the Vaccine
Flu Fighters

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 258517

And where do boneless chicken wings come from? How can those boneless chicken even walk?