Collection of Lame Jokes

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 260961

... and hate to visit the doctor.

 

[Borg]

My wife has been taking me for daily walks...

 

[fresh_42]

My wife has been taking me for daily walks...

With or without a leash?

 

[Borg]

Woof

 

[BillTre]

 

[Stavros Kiri]

View attachment 261042

Mom: "You should have also social distanced your asymptomaticness from him to avoid this!" ...

 

[phinds]

A sad day for engineers to find this out, but ...

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[collinsmark]

A sad day for engineers to find this out, but ...
View attachment 261053

Combine that with some WD-40 and we're good to go.

 

[phinds]

Combine that with some WD-40 and we're good to go.

No, WD-40 is also not a good substitute for toilette paper.

 

[collinsmark]

No, WD-40 is also not a good substitute for toilette paper.

It's the combination of the WD-40 with the Duct Tape. Together they can do anything.

 

[fresh_42]

It's the combination of the WD-40 with the Duct Tape. Together they can do anything.

Do not argue. He only used the wrong side of the duct tape.

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

Quarantine, day 20 diary entry:
Today I melted an ice cube by just staring at it and focusing on wanting
it to melt. It took a lot longer that I had expected.

The drop in gas prices during this quarantine is like a bald guy winning a hair brush

What's the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

 

[BillTre]

 

[mfb]

The first panel is a roller-coaster.

"I hear you are going to [a] nice ..."
- Oh, it's the city, change the pronunciation
- Oh, the pronunciation is corrected by the other one, so it was pronounced incorrectly.

 

[Keith_McClary]

What's the difference between Las Vegas and Wuhan? What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Las Vegas mayor offers city as 'control group' to see how many die of COVID-19 without social distancing

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mark44]

I went to the doctor the other day.

"Doctor, I have this song running through my mind all the time -- 'The Green, Green, Grass of Home'."
Doctor: "It sounds like you have developed Tom Jones Syndrome."
Me: "Is that pretty common?"
Doctor: "It's not unusual."

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

So I rang the gym the other day and asked if the guy could teach me to do the splits. "How flexible are you?" he asked me. "Well," I said, "I can't do Tuesdays."

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 261268

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

 

[phinds]

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

I was wondering the same thing.

 

[Ibix]

Does his collection include an egress like the one P. T. Barnum had?

I didn't know that story... For anyone else confused, see http://www.ptbarnum.org/egress.html.

 

[Ibix]

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

 

[strangerep]

View attachment 261110

Oh geez. That reminds me of when, at the very young age of 4, I needed to have a hernia operation. For some reason, they couldn't use anaesthetic-by-needle on me, and instead used a chloroform mask.

It was the most devastatingly horrendously terrifying experience of my tender life up to that point. It seemed like I was screaming for an eternity before I lost consciousness.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[phinds]

 

[BillTre]

 

[davenn]

In Venice the pollution levels have reduced so much, the handbags are starting to swim again.

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

Are you still having trouble finding toilet paper? Try your local bakery.