Collection of Lame Jokes

[davenn]

My obese parrot died

It was sad, but it was a huge weight of my shoulder

 

[fresh_42]

My obese parrot died

It was sad, but it was a huge weight of my shoulder

Are you sure?

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

Are you sure?

one of my fav's from Monty Python

..."if you hadnt nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies by now"...

 

[jtbell]

Have you ever wondered what's happening to all those plants left behind in offices shuttered by work-from-home?

They're being taken care of by a corps of volunteers, whose motto is "Semper ficus".

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Keith_McClary]

More Covid toons:
https://www.gocomics.com/rubes/2020/06/30
https://www.gocomics.com/rubes/2020/06/24

 

[Ibix]

You know that "i before e except after c" rule for spelling? It's been disproved by scientists.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

 

[DrGreg]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

If you sell vacuum cleaners, business will be picking up.

 

[Ibix]

If you sell vacuum cleaners, business will be picking up.

Good point! And I could start a taxi service as a side-line.

 

[fresh_42]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

Well, there are the evergreens, homing pigeons and boomerangs, but their markets are highly competitive.

How about waterproof sieves? But watch out for thieves! A comparably safe good would be firewood for rent.

 

[Ibix]

The company cafe will serve toasted sandwiches that aren't cool.

 

[fresh_42]

Chef arrested in Cardiff. Sold Irish Stew made in Wales.

 

[Ibix]

...and the cop who caught him said "Irish stew in the name of the law".

 

[WWGD]

 

[mfb]

I think I'm going to start a business selling second hand defibrillators in shocking condition and vacuum cleaners that suck. Any ideas for other products I could sell?

That's easy, every vacuum cleaner sucks.

In one way or another.Second hand hand prosthesis? They come in quite handy.

 

[Wrichik Basu]

 

[Keith_McClary]

markets are highly competitive.
...
A comparably safe good would be firewood for rent.

Straw Bale Rental already has competition.

 

[jack action]

Interviewer: How do you explain this 2-year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

some will remember the song

 

[WWGD]

That's easy, every vacuum cleaner sucks.

In one way or another.Second hand hand prosthesis? They come in quite handy.

Only way Microsoft can do something that doesn't suck is if they made vacuum cleaners.

 

[davenn]

 

[Ibix]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins! In hindsight, it would probably have been easier to write it on paper.

 

[fresh_42]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins! In hindsight, it would probably have been easier to write it on paper.

You're 82 years late!

 

[Ibix]

Do you know how to tell the sex of an ant? Drop it in a glass of water. If it floats: boy ant.

And further on the topic, did you know that ants don't get sick? It turns out that they have little anty bodies.

 

[Ibix]

You're 82 years late!

Yeah - fitting the things into the typewriter took ages.

 

[DrGreg]

I've just finished writing my book on penguins! In hindsight, it would probably have been easier to write it on paper.

So that's why they're called Penguin Books!

 

[Ibix]

What's the difference between a bird and a fly?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

 

[BillTre]

Time flies like an arrow,
fruit flies like a banana.

 

[jim mcnamara]

See: https://quoteinvestigator.com/2010/05/04/time-flies-arrow/

QI has traced the core of the quotation to the work of an early researcher in artificial intelligence, Anthony Oettinger, who was trying to get a computer to manipulate the English language. In the magazine Scientific American in 1966, Oettinger describes a computer program that takes sentences as input and attempts to determine which words are acting as verbs, nouns, adjectives, and adverbs, etcetera [OET]. The example input he uses is “Time flies like an arrow”, but the task is complicated because the computer program must also work properly for sentences such as “Fruit flies like a banana” and “Time runners with a stop-watch”. Here is what he says: ...

 

[fresh_42]