Collection of Lame Jokes

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In summary: It's a humor that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness. It's not for everyone.Not a fan of surrealism, I take it?In summary, surrealism is an art form that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness, often producing incongruous imagery or effects. It may not be appreciated by everyone, but for those who do, it can be quite humorous.
  • #841
nismaratwork said:
That's what happens when you use a slide-rule upside down... :biggrin:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?
 
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  • #842
FtlIsAwesome said:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?
Try 2578 x 3 and see what breaks out.
 
  • #843
Enter this into your calculator:

7251*8

and turn it upside down.
 
  • #844
FtlIsAwesome said:
I have a calculator. What happens if you use it upside-down?

Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:
 
  • #845
nismaratwork said:
Your cock's crow falls flat. :biggrin:

@Lancelot59: No you don't. :wink:

Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.
 
  • #846
Lancelot59 said:
Well I'd like to learn for the same reason I'd like to learn assembly. Fascination with old stuff. Plus when world war 3 happens calculators won't work anymore.

:smile:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?
 
  • #847
nismaratwork said:
:smile:

Yes, there is that... so you learned assembly?! Heh... did you want to program an OS, or was it really pure fascination with the guts of the machine?

I haven't yet. I want to though...I want to learn too many things.
 
  • #848
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
 
  • #849
IMP said:
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

I laughed. He must be an engineer of some sort.
 
  • #850
IMP said:
A Letter to the Men's Help Line:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

Funniest joke I heard in a while :D
 
  • #851
On that subject:

[PLAIN]http://img819.imageshack.us/img819/3277/calculusposter.jpg
 
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  • #852
Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!
 
  • #853
lolz I cracked up seeing the check too.
 
  • #854
A fighter pilot's lament

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

pilotkid.jpg


Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.
 
  • #855
Lacy33 said:
Lancelot59! This was up as the page refreshed when I came around the corner. I laughed so loud and unexpectedly, I think everyone is up now. That is FUNNY!

You're welcome! :biggrin:
 
  • #856
FtlIsAwesome said:
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.


There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.


There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.


There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.
Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.
 
  • #857
ThomasT said:
Yes, this is lame. The problem with this thread is that there's lots of funny stuff in it, not including your contribution.

:smile:


Now, no offense Fit, but Thomas... :smile: that was gooooood.
 
  • #858


mugaliens said:
Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of 'those moments.'

Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior. I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together. I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique...

pilotkid.jpg


Please bear in mind this is a photoshopped JOKE. I am NOT the pilot, and this is NOT my son.

Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
 
  • #859


DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.



DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice. Most people nowadays think it’s improper to type everything twice.
Heheh.
 
  • #860
FtlIsAwesome said:
There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was going to be a binary statement.There are 10 types of people in this world: those who know binary and those who don't.There is 10 type of people in this world: those who know that this statement is a paradox.There are 10 types of people in this world: well, apparently this world is uninhabited.
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.
 
  • #861
Let the lameness ensue! >launching fireworks< :biggrin:
 
  • #862
FtlIsAwesome said:
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.
FtlIsAwesome said:
There is 10 type of people in this world: these people are so negative.


Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)
 
  • #863
DevilsAvocado said:
Most people nowadays think 20 negative people are too much.
.hcum oot era elpoep evitagen 02 kniht syadawon elpoep tsoM


(:biggrin:)(:biggrin:)

Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:
 
  • #864
nismaratwork said:
Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!

NO anti-post!?

nismaratwork said:
P.S. Backward English looks suspciously Scandinavian... :wink:

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!
 
  • #865
DevilsAvocado said:
NO anti-post!?

Haev yöu crooked tse stoipid cod?? :bugeye: Meine kleine Greta thold mee it was kömpletely zafe!

:smile:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:
 
  • #866
nismaratwork said:
Mind that post doesn't interact with itself and annihilate!
Well, I did say something about fireworks!
 
  • #867
  • #868


nismaratwork said:
:smile:

Damn you Dutch traders, for injecting so much Scandy-goodness into the odd pastiche that is Ingels! :wink:

Vhery try! Its zhat öld pästuiche Julio Inglesias bläädy fualt!

Julio_Iglesias08.jpg
 
  • #869


jtbell said:
Aha! You're the person responsible for the opening credits in Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

230px-Egil_Skallagrimsson_17c_manuscript.jpg

Wöw... Aim thönk Aj häve been cäught whit möy läderhösen döwn...


...okäy, wee allh göt säcked, alsö wik myh deer freund Svenge (Öslo deäntist). Böt teah reeplasmacement – tree öllegal ömmigrants – däd ö heäck öf a jöbb!

Directed By
40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
(CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
and
TERRY GILLIAM & TERRY JONES

[URL]http://www.cjsr.uAlberta.ca/cms/news/jpegs/The-Three-Amigos-Photograph-C10101975.jp[/URL]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvIKL_pTZFE​

WIK MOOSE!

:biggrin:
 
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  • #870
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.
 
  • #871
Borek said:
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

OK 1: :smile:

2: Kind of makes you wonder what critical would have been. :smile:
 
  • #872
Borek said:
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his a**. The doctors described his condition as stable.

HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
[PLAIN]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png
 
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  • #873
Have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "Big Bong theory."
 
  • #874
jtbell said:
have you heard the idea that the entire universe is just a hashish-fueled dream of some super-being? It's called the "big bong theory."
lol.
 
  • #875
Lancelot59 said:
HA! Nice one.

Here's something funny:
[URL]http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Comics/Dave/comicpoopiter1.png
[/URL]

Futurama said:
Fry: "Hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus." *laughs*
Leela: "I don't get it."
Professor: "I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all."
Fry: "Oh. What's it called now?"
Professor: "Urectum. Here, let me locate it for you."
Fry: "Hehe, no, no, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here."
:smile:
 
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