Collection of Lame Jokes

[fresh_42]

I checked a website to figure out the value of my car. Their first question was whether its tank is full or empty.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Jodo]

Marilyn Monroe says to Albert Einstein " if we were to marry and have children they would be the smartest in the world and also the most beautiful in the world "
Albert replies " but what if they got my looks and your brain? "

 

[Jodo]

Albert Einstein challenges Mr. Bean to a knowledge contest.
Albert says " I will ask you a question. If you cannot supply me a correct answer, you owe me one dollar "
" Then you ask me a question and if I cannot supply a correct answer, I owe you 1000 dollars "
Mr. Bean agrees.
Albert asks Mr. Bean a question. After some time, Mr. Bean hands Albert a dollar.
Mr. Bean asks Albert " what animal has 4 legs but while it crosses the street it has 3 legs and when it gets to the other side it only has 2 legs? "
Albert thinks and thinks and then hands Mr. Bean 1000 dollars.
Albert replies " I don't know, what is it ?"
Mr. Bean hands Albert a dollar ... .

 

[fresh_42]

 

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[strangerep]

[fat bottomed girls...]

I never understood that song. I mean, I can see how they'd make the world a bit flatter, but how do they increase the world's angular momentum?

Oh, of course! They sit down. Silly me.

 

[Orodruin]

View attachment 303664

When Chuck Norris does a pushup he doesn’t push himself up, he pushes the Earth do… no wait a minute, it is both!

 

[DennisN]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[fresh_42]

I never understood that song.

Who am I to argue with an astrophysicist? ${}^*)$ ${}^*)$ Brian May wrote that song.

 

[DennisN]

I am currently assembling a couple of IKEA dressing tables, and while I was doing that I thought of searching on the net for pictures of the worst assembled IKEA furniture.

Here are some funny examples, enjoy :When You End Up With A Rocking Chair

When Things Just Crack

When You Create An Avalanche

Don't Try To Sit On It

When You Do The Slip And Slide

When You Miss A Step

Source: https://diply.com/30960/11-ikea-fails-that-are-so-relatable-it-hurts

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Jodo]

 

[strangerep]

View attachment 303708

Oh dear, that's so uncomfortably close to my truth that it hurts...

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

Why did the chicken pluck itself?

Spoiler

To get faster to the other side of the pool.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[OCR]

 

[jack action]

Him: What I like about a woman is her personality.

Her: That's good, I have several!

Him: What!?

Her: Ha!Ha! Don't listen to her, she's crazy.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[phinds]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DennisN]

Gosh, this one is so funny (I just saw it on facebook) :

 

[phinds]

The kind of pun you really hate unless you thought of it.

 

[phinds]

tool commentary

 

[fresh_42]

If you don't feel like a beer, you have to drink two.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Orodruin]

My wife told me to take a spider out
Went for a few drinks
Nice guy, but a total sucker
Works with web design

 

[Jodo]

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...​

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein explains, "Imagine two people at opposite ends on top of a train moving very quickly. Even though the train is moving, if the person in the rear shines a light to the other in the front, they will measure the light to move at the usual constant speed of light. Likewise though, a person stationary beside the tracks will also measure the light to travel at the same speed, though from their stationary perspective the light traveled further because by the time the light got to the front person, they had moved a little bit more forward due to the velocity of the train. This means that the stationary person sees the light take longer to go from one person to the other."

He adds, "Additionally, if the person in the rear of the train measures the velocity of the light away from him to be one value, shouldn't the velocity they themselves possesses not mean that the light would move faster from getting that extra push? But when we measure it, this is not the case!"

"If we allow ourselves to alter values like the passage of time for different perspectives, and even the masses of objects, we can create a set of physical laws which shows us how the people on the train can reconcile their views with the person beside it, based upon their relative velocities."

And so Newton replies, "What the hell is a train?"