Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

The bird is the word?

Applying 'meat' function transforms it into "Meat Bird is the meat word"

 

[Ibix]

Meatbird - ideal for a first date.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

Wouldn't it be funny if Popeye's Chicken was cooked in Olive Oil?

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 313528

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Philipp_Reis

 

[collinsmark]

View attachment 313528

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Johann_Philipp_Reis

(Source: https://abstrusegoose.com/255)

 

[DrGreg]

(Source: https://abstrusegoose.com/255)

This puzzled me at first, as I struggled to understand what

YOU ARE​

NESS AN​

meant!

 

[berkeman]

View attachment 313528

LOL. Paging @dlgoff

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nuuskur]

View attachment 313531

LOL. Paging @dlgoff

So the warranty provider already had an operational phone line.

 

[phinds]

So the warranty provider already had an operational phone line.

Oh, don't bring logic to a joke thread.

 

[phinds]

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[BillTre]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DennisN]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[Ibix]

I gather that there is a procrastinators' society. Their monthly news letter is called Last Month's News, and they once ran a campaign to elect a US President who had died several decades earlier.

 

[Baluncore]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Procrastinators'_Club_of_America

 

[BWV]

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 313601

Eye don't know about that.

 

[pinball1970]

Applying 'meat' function transforms it into "Meat Bird is the meat word"

Agreed.
Meat fish
Meat bird
Meat mammal

 

[pinball1970]

View attachment 313600

I am happy to say I do not understand this. @BWV I could do with a hint

 

[BWV]

I am happy to say I do not understand this. @BWV I could do with a hint

https://ultimatemusictheory.com/volta-brackets/

 

[Ibix]

I am happy to say I do not understand this. @BWV I could do with a hint

The colon at the end of the second bar indicates "when you get here repeat from the previous colon, or from the beginning if there is no other colon". The 1 and 2 above the second and third bars indicate that you should play the bar marked 1 on the first time, but skip it and go to the bar marked 2 on the repeat. So the lyrics would be sung

I like to eat
I like puppies

...which is somewhat less horrific than a naive reading.

 

[fresh_42]

The colon at the end of the second bar indicates "when you get here repeat from the previous colon, or from the beginning if there is no other colon". The 1 and 2 above the second and third bars indicate that you should play the bar marked 1 on the first time, but skip it and go to the bar marked 2 on the repeat. So the lyrics would be sung

I like to eat
I like puppies

...which is somewhat less horrific than a naive reading.

Yes, but I sang it which made it pointless!

 

[DaveC426913]

Yes, but I sang it which made it pointless!

That was my first take on it too.

 

[Ibix]

Yes, but I sang it which made it pointless!

That was my first take on it too.

You just have to sing it like Shatner.

 

[pinball1970]

The colon at the end of the second bar indicates "when you get here repeat from the previous colon, or from the beginning if there is no other colon". The 1 and 2 above the second and third bars indicate that you should play the bar marked 1 on the first time, but skip it and go to the bar marked 2 on the repeat. So the lyrics would be sung

I like to eat
I like puppies

...which is somewhat less horrific than a naive reading.

Thanks. I honestly think the last time I looked at that was 1981 wind band.
Must have done stuff in the choir but cannot remember. Not that format, too many changes.

 

[BillTre]

 

[phinds]

Nutritious Eating​

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.

 

[phinds]