Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

My study concluded Russian Roulette is not dangerous. 100% of all respondents survived it!

 

[nsaspook]

An elderly lady has just finished discussing the arrangements for her late husband's funeral, and the director of the mortuary asks her if there's anything else they can do to honor the dearly departed, anything at all. She tells him, "Well, I hate to mention it. I chose that black suit because it was the most expensive one he had, but blue was really his color. I first met him in a blue suit, and he wore blue when we married. If you could buy him a really nice blue suit to be buried in, I'd appreciate it greatly. I know that's over and above what we discussed, so take this." She hands him a blank check and he tells her he'll do his best.

The next day the viewing starts and the elderly lady is very pleased to see her husband in a very stylish blue suit. She thanks the funeral director and compliments his choice. He assures her it was his pleasure, and then returns the blank check. The lady objects, saying, "But that's a really nice suit! Aren't you going out of pocket for it?"

"Madam, by a complete coincidence, another woman wanted her deceased husband buried in a black suit instead of a blue one. One of my assistants remarked on how both men were about the same size, so it was the easiest thing in the world to just swap their heads!"

 

[DennisN]

 

[phinds]

 

[Mayhem]

I have been told I often think outside of the box.
Except the box is the one you keep random screws, receipts and buttons in you're too afraid to throw out.

 

[phinds]

I'm pretty sure I saw this kid on The Godfather. Didn't he say something about leaving the gun but taking the cannolis?

 

[phinds]

The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.? So he thought he'd try another question, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a free box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS ."
"To the IRS ?" questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "directly to The IRS ...And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”

 

[phinds]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[WWGD]

 

[jtbell]

Merry Christmas from the cat:

 

[WWGD]

I got some hair on my Chinese food. I told the lady: " I said ' Lo Mein', not ' Rogaine'".

 

[BillTre]

 

[DennisN]

 

[DaveC426913]

Dang it!

 

[berkeman]

Dang it!

You owe Dennis 5 guineas.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

You owe Dennis 5 guineas.

Fowl play imo.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

Did you hear Santa was stuck in a chimney for hours this year? He had to be freed by emergency services, and I hear there were some after effects. He's got Claustrophobia.

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[jtbell]

It was sooo cold last weekend...

[peanut gallery] How cold was it, JT?

It was sooo cold, the goats froze!

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Orodruin]

 

[davenn]