Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ivan Seeking]

How many psychiatrists? Two
One to screw in the bulb, and one to tell you why you need to screw in the bulb.

 

[berkeman]

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063867950027&__cft__[0]=AZVJGW9WZvhJhd4GKE3PbOBy6S8jvQsg6fdi0qFyFuETxohgPmaYXwjogDg1D2dx_teB9NYHrJDEqSOnwX6y4Hx21ADcFrz2S-iW95k7rWKw_rbPcY0JWS5tcQIts2Ho86P9ceueJ3okhELkvNcEOXWMdarcsaZfnabpNroIMS9ukxic_RbNT08GYGkBtCv03g4&__tn__=<,P-R

Missed Approaches and go arounds​

·
From now on, it'll never be said that airport ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. We dug up a few actual (or at least claimed to be) logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.

Problem: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in cockpit.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Solution: That's what they're there for!
Problem: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more believable level.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with words.
Problem: IFF inoperative.
Solution: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Problem: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
Solution: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

By the way, according to the report, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. Really inspires alot of confidence doesn't it?

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063867950027

 

[phinds]

Three of my favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

If you don't like what this says about YOUR state, try to take it with a grain of salt. It's a joke.

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[davenn]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[DrGreg]

In 2001, the 4th most popular religion in England and Wales was Jedi, according to that year's census.

That's not a joke: it really happened. See Jedi census phenomenon.

 

[jack action]

People who can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

 

[phinds]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[WWGD]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[nuuskur]

What are all these people screaming for?

 

[phinds]

Normal person in a plane that's in a steep dive and going to hit the ground in 8 seconds: "AAARRRRGGGG --- we're all gonna die !!!"

Fighter Pilot in a plane that's in a steep dive and going to hit the ground in 8 seconds: "8 seconds? Hell, I can pull us out of this in 6." Yawn.

 

[WWGD]

 

[Borg]

I still remember the top picture. Those flights were awesome.

 

[WWGD]

Waiter, I'll have a Pepsi.
Do you want it in the can?
No, I'll have it here in the table.

 

[berkeman]

From FB today:

 

[BillTre]

From Xitter:

 

[topsquark]

From Xitter:View attachment 330021

When I went to my undergrad in the late 80s, there was a very progressive female movement there. Now, I'm all for equal rights and everything, but I usually hold a door open for the person behind me and this one time it was a woman and she said "I can open my own door, thank you not!" (I would have held it for a man if one had been behind me.) I am aware that not all women are like that but, sheesh! Because there's the other set of women that get mad when you don't hold the door for them.

-Dan

 

[berkeman]

I usually hold a door open for the person behind me

The pandemic added a whole new (non gender related) layer to this. I've held more doors open for others behind me during these last couple years than my whole lifetime before that...

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[artis]

Not really a joke but thought I'd share, this is how a large majority in eastern Europe feels.

 

[Borg]

Spoiler: I think that I've figured out why Elon Musk changed Twitter to X.

Because Q was already taken.

 

[jack action]

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day;
Push a man out of a plane at 30 000 ft and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

 

[jack action]

THE RULES OF GAMES IN OUR CHILDHOOD​

1. The big one is always the goalkeeper
2. The match only ends if all the players are tired (except rule 6)
3. Whatever the score, the team that scores the last goal wins the match
4. There is no referee
5. There is no penalty unless the fault is serious
6. If the owner of the ball gets angry, the game is over
7. The 2 best players cannot play in the same team so each one chooses their players
8. If you are chosen last it is a humiliation
9. If there is a penalty, the goalkeeper is replaced by the best player in the team
10. When the ball leaves the field, far away, the one who hit the ball will get it
11. The best player on the field is always in the same team as the owner of the ball otherwise the match is stopped.

 

[artis]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently! Joke credit - Eric Metaxas from Socrates in the city talk.

 

[WWGD]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently! Joke credit - Eric Metaxas from Socrates in the city talk.

I've seen his toast advertised as well.

 

[DrGreg]

Can someone please give me Avogadro's number?

I had it, but when changing phones I lost it, need to speak to him urgently!

I hear that Avogadro has now settled down. Until a few years ago, he kept changing his number.

 

[Ibix]

I hear that Avogadro has now settled down. Until a few years ago, he kept changing his number.

I note that 602 is a Phoenix, Arizona area code, so there may be someone with the number 602 2140760. All UK area codes start with a zero. 0602 used to be Nottingham, but has been retired I think. Maybe he moved to Phoenix...?