Collection of Lame Jokes

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 333774

Irony (adj): having qualities similar to the metal iron.

 

[davenn]

A man was quietly reading his paper one morning when his wife crept up behind him and whacked him on the back of his head.
Shocked, the man asked: “What was that for?”
The wife replied: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary written on it?”
“Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Mary was the name of one of the horses I bet on,” the man answered.
The wife looked satisfied and apologised before giving him a kiss and walking away.
Three days later he was sitting in his chair reading once again when the wife returned. This time she slapped him across the face.
The man held his cheek and asked: “What was that for this time?”
The wife answered: “Your horse phoned.”

 

[WWGD]

Not sure where to post this one.
Overheard:
1)A couple. The woman says." OK, I'll move on, need to make myself look pretty for tonight's party."
The man: "Well, that's surely going to take a long time."

2) Two people fighting for a parking spot. One walks away while saying: " You take it. Life's punished you enough by giving you that face".

2* Ouch.

 

[DennisN]

View attachment 333719

Proof:
On a clear day you would see this:
( Higfhlight emphasis and contrast enhancement )

View attachment 333744
Rain washes the pollutants out, and you see this :
View attachment 333745
Case closed.

There's a lot more going on in that image...
I let advanced AI software analyze it, and here's the result:

 

[phinds]

There's a lot more going on in that image...
I let advanced AI software analyze it, and here's the result:

View attachment 333790

Oh, come on ! This is clearly a fake. It's too early for Santa clause.

 

[fresh_42]

Oh, come on ! This is clearly a fake. It's too early for Santa clause.

Not every nation has this clear cut called "Halloween". Santa Clause starts as soon as the remaining stocks of Easter bunnies are sold or molten to produce Santas.

 

[phinds]

In 1972 the CBC held a contest to find the Canadian equivalent of "As American as apple pie" and the winner was "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances".

 

[phinds]

Not every nation has this clear cut called "Halloween". Santa Clause starts as soon as the remaining stocks of Easter bunnies are sold or molten to produce Santas.

Yes, but he doesn't show up on his sleigh until Dec 24 at midnight.

EDIT: Hm ... OK, maybe the pic was shot on Xmas Eve.

 

[fresh_42]

In 1972 the CBC held a contest to find the Canadian equivalent of "As American as apple pie" and the winner was "As Canadian as possible under the circumstances".

I never understood this apple pie thing. Firstly, we have apple pies as a standard Sunday pie, too. Even more than one version, and it is definitely a "German" pie. I guess, the French and British have their versions of apple pies, too. Secondly, apples aren't American. IIRC they are Chinese, maybe Caucasian, but definitely not American. Pumpkin pie would have been American.

 

[JT Smith]

I never understood this apple pie thing....

It's not that complicated. Apple pie became popular in the U.S. and was adopted as something of it's own.

 

[phinds]

I never understood this apple pie thing. Firstly, we have apple pies as a standard Sunday pie, too. Even more than one version, and it is definitely a "German" pie. I guess, the French and British have their versions of apple pies, too. Secondly, apples aren't American. IIRC they are Chinese, maybe Caucasian, but definitely not American. Pumpkin pie would have been American.

Hey, I don't make up the rules. The full phrase is "As American as hot dogs and apple pie". Don't blame me.

 

[gmax137]

the Wiki page on apple pie is interesting.

 

[jack action]

What is the cheesiest pickup line?

Spoiler: Answer

(Yah! Yah! Yah! I know. Insert the wolf thingy here.)
​

 

[JT Smith]

I'd vote for the tomato and cheese pie as being the quintessential American pie nowadays. What's more American than pizza? A ground beef sandwich named after a German city? French fried potatoes? Are those Chevy trucks?

 

[jack action]

An eight-year-old girl goes to the office with her father on "Take Your Kid to Work Day".

As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. Her father asked what was wrong with her.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: «Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?»

 

[JT Smith]

Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?

Spoiler

For drizzle

 

[WWGD]

 

[WWGD]

 

[Baluncore]

Finally got banned from the flat earth discord by posting a forbidden image.

 

[WWGD]

 

[jedishrfu]

Please, let’s stay away from violent conflict jokes where innocent people have died. Being a victim of violent crime, I mourn the needless loss of life and cringe whenever I see callous jokes related to it and I know many other folks who cringe as well.

in the past few weeks, I’ve read about a small happy 6 year old boy assaulted with a baseball bat by a deranged neighbor. No reason was given for why a grown man would do such a thing, breaking into their house at 5am and attacking him while he slept.

I’ve read about the horrific attack by Hamas on the people in Gaza, Israel’s targeted response and the subsequent Hamas missile strike mishap on a Hamas hospital and the Hamas attempt to blame Israel.

The latest news I read where another 6 year old boy was attacked and killed by his family’s landlord because they were Palestinian Muslim immigrants and the formerly friendly landlord exacted his anger on them.

In the end, the reality is that innocent people are killed as a proxy for another persons anger.

So please no more jokes tinged with or peripheral to violence and conflict.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jtbell]

A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you. A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK: Blind man driving. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix. In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels. On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels. At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place. On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed. On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout. On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts. In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action." On a Maternity Room door "Push. Push. Push." At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment. Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming. In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay! At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted. In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up. In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait. At a Propane Filling Station: "Thank Heaven for little grills. In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak. And the best one for last: Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck: Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

In the front yard of a hair salon:
"Curl up and Dye"

 

[nsaspook]

A grey haired Army General walks into a bar and sits down next to a young attractive woman.
They hit it off and she likes a man in uniform.
So she says "Why don't you come up to my room?"
The general says "I'm flattered. But at my age I'm not sure things would work the way you hope."
She says "But you're in good shape. Tell me, when was the last time you had sex?
"Oh" the general says; "It was probably 1950."
"OMG!" says the woman. "Well, I'm sure it will all come back to you."
So they end up in bed and it's pretty wild. The general really has some skills. When it's all over she says:
"General, that was WONDERful. I'm impressed that you haven't forgotten a thing since 1950."
The general says "I should hope not. It's only 2130 now."

 

[jtbell]

A guy goes off to University, and has to fill out some paperwork:

Emergency Contact: [mother's name and address]
Relationship: Good

 

[fresh_42]

"C'mon, Eve, forget about that apple. Let's grill the snake!"
"I'm vegan."

... and that is how it all began ...

 

[BillTre]

 

[gmax137]

Maybe Jagger could get enough votes for Speaker of the House?

 

[dextercioby]

 

[Borg]

The problem is that they were told to get more than one because catscan.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

 

[WWGD]

View attachment 333869

I've been shouting at the mouth ordering my cheeseburger with fries and no one is replying !