Collection of Lame Jokes

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[davenn]

As a child, I was always told to reach for the stars...

I have since learned that famous people do not like to be grabbed...

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 333993​

But jokes aside, the vehicle actually belongs to Dial-A-Topologist.

 

[Swamp Thing]

 

[Ibix]

But jokes aside, the vehicle actually belongs to Dial-A-Topologist.

Ring-A-Topologist, surely? It's their field unit, which has everything they need in a bundle in the back.

 

[davenn]

Sometimes you just don't ask why .....

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

 

[davenn]

Sometimes you just don't ask why .....

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

 

[davenn]

Sometimes you just don't ask why .....

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a
service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

 

[Ibix]

Sometimes you just don't ask why .....

My dad told a story of buying two posters in the early 1970s, not long after decimalisation of currency in the UK when everyone was a bit confused by this newfangled system. The posters were £1 each, but on a half price sale. The girl behind the counter got a piece of paper and wrote down 1.00 and 2 and carried out a long division, getting 0.50. Then she wrote down 1.00 and 2 and carried out a long division, getting 0.50. Then she transcribed both answers into a column and added them up, getting £1. And my dad who had (by some mysterious wizardry) arrived at the answer before her gave her a pound, scraped his jaw off the floor and went on his way.

 

[fresh_42]

Sometimes you just don't ask why .....

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since...

In 1985, A&W began offering the Third Pounder to compete with McDonald's Quarter Pounder. As advertised, the Third beat the Quarter in taste tests and was less expensive by weight. In his 2007 memoir, former owner A. Alfred Taubman claimed research had revealed that it had been unsuccessful in part due to Americans' widespread innumeracy, specifically their inability to understand fractions: 1/3 was perceived as smaller than 1/4 (due to the smaller denominator) in spite of being a larger quantity.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A&W_Restaurants

 

[Borg]

Coming soon. A 1/1,000,000th pound burger...

 

[fresh_42]

Coming soon. A 1/1,000,000th pound burger...

Yes, that was the part of the story where I cut my quote ...

... The burger was relaunched in 2021 as the 3/9 Pound burger, humorously attempting to capitalize on the now-popular fractions misunderstanding story.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

Hmmm ... a bit of cognitive dissonance here

 

[dextercioby]

 

[jtbell]

What do you get when you cross Frankenstein with the Invisible Man?

I don't know, but it's probably not much to look at.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[gmax137]

It's missing the "No U Turn" sign.

 

[nsaspook]

https://news.artnet.com/market/new-yorker-cartoon-highest-price-auction-2381602

 

[fresh_42]

This is not quite true. We do know

 

[Ibix]

Hmmm ... a bit of cognitive dissonance here

View attachment 334223

Does anyone else see the shadow on the door as an alien with its hands to its face as if it's just been screaming at the sky and is now overcome with emotion? Or is my brain being odder than usual?

 

[gmax137]

Well, it's hard to un-see it now.

 

[phinds]

Does anyone else see the shadow on the door as an alien with its hands to its face as if it's just been screaming at the sky and is now overcome with emotion? Or is my brain being odder than usual?

Definitely odder than usual

 

[topsquark]

Does anyone else see the shadow on the door as an alien with its hands to its face as if it's just been screaming at the sky and is now overcome with emotion? Or is my brain being odder than usual?

I only see a spider. I always see spiders in inkblots.

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

I only see a spider. I always see spiders in inkblots.

-Dan

Work on it! They had more fun, esp. Steve Buscemi.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[berkeman]

From FB today:

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 334343

Neither are... or neither is ?

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 334317
https://news.artnet.com/market/new-yorker-cartoon-highest-price-auction-2381602

When that cartoon was first published in 1993, I clipped it from my wife's New Yorker magazine and put it on my office door. The college where we both taught had recently gotten Internet access, and I had started participating in that era's social media, Usenet.

 

[BillTre]

 

[DennisN]

 

[fresh_42]