Collection of Lame Jokes

[BobG]

Knock knock!

Knock knock!

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

 

[Isaacsname]

Here Dave, try these..

Cartoons In Order Of Increasing Difficulty

http://www.coldbacon.com/kliban2.html

 

[DaveC426913]

Who's there?

 

[FlexGunship]

Who's there?

To









(random characters for message length)

 

[DaveC426913]

Seriously? Everyone else got orbital sanders right away but me?

 

[drizzle]

Who's there?

FlexGunship lost interest.

Did you get it?

 

[DaveC426913]

FlexGunship lost interest.

Did you get it?

Still no.

I feel like I'm being pelted with joke-shaped acorns by a pack of squirrels.

Am I the only one that didn't get orbital sanders?
Was that so obvious that I need to take remedial jokes class?
Is knock knock related?
Did Flex fall off his chair in the middle of typing his answer?
Has the knock knock had a punchline yet? Did I miss that too?

Oh, wait...

 

[DaveC426913]

To

To who?

 

[FlexGunship]

To who?

Tsk tsk... to whom

 

[drizzle]

It's better for you not to know Dave, cause it's LAME and

 

[DaveC426913]

Tsk tsk... to whom

Ha ha. No. It's 'to who?'

Or is this another joke I'm not getting?

I just want to go home.

 

[Isaacsname]

We're all waiting for Dave to answer it.

Dave's not here man.

 

[Lancelot59]

Dave's not here man.

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

 

[Isaacsname]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

... ... I hurd something about it

 

[FlexGunship]

Is it true you can make all kinds of clothing and rope out of hemp?

Really? Man, I gotta' check out this brochure! <eats sandwich>

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ld8eKY0VRZk

 

[Isaacsname]

Really? Man, I gotta' read these pamphlets! <eats sandwich>

I did some graphic design work for a hemp clothing company years back.

http://en.ecolution.com/

Pretty impressive for a natural fabric, imo. I have a hemp shower curtain that's 7 years old, still looks almost new, mildew won't touch it.

 

[Lancelot59]

... ... I hurd something about it

There goes the futurama joke...

 

[Isaacsname]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

 

[DaveC426913]

Hey Dave

What do you call a Stizostedion lucioperca that swims around the same rock it's whole life ?

A perch with a gamey leg?

 

[Isaacsname]

A perch with a gamey leg?

 

[Isaacsname]

Ok, I'm finished with the sanding jokes.

Moving on..

What do you call a nun with a bad habit ?

" Inappropriately dressed "

 

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for is finally available:

 

[DaveC426913]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

[URL]http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg[/URL]

 

[jtbell]

Stop, Dave...

[PLAIN]http://venturebeat.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/243321.jpg

My mind is going... I can feel it...

 

[IMP]

The reference book men have been waiting for "Understanding Women" is finally available:

I am sorry to report that this is only the index...

 

[HeLiXe]

Shortly thereafter, "Understanding Men" is released...

[URL]http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/4148/PreviewComp/SuperStock_4148R-1749.jpg

[/URL]



I scrolled from the bottom up and was like
"what is that?"
"is there something on it?"
"What is he pointing to?"
And then I realized why I cannot understand men

 

[HeLiXe]

I showed it to my mom and she did the same thing LOL

 

[IMP]

A TOURIST in Vienna was walking through a graveyard when he heard music

coming from a grave. The headstone read, "Lugwig von Beethoven, 1770 - 1827.

Then, the tourist recognized the music as the 9th Symphony played backward.



Puzzled the man left the graveyard and persuaded a friend to return with him. By

the time they got back to the grave, the music had changed to the 7th Symphony.

It too played backward.



The friends agreed to consult a music scholar. When the three men went to the

grave, they heard the 5th Symphony playing backward. The scholar noted that

the order of the songs itself was backward, going by when they were written.



By the next day, a throng had gathered around the grave, listening to a backward

playing 2nd Symphony. Just then, the graveyard caretaker ambled up to the

group, "It's nothing to worry about ," he declared, "He's just decomposing."

 

[DaveC426913]

Monty Python's Decomposing Composers.

They're Decomposing Composers
There nothing much anyone can do
You can still hear Beethoven
But Beethoven cannot hear you

 

[McLaren Rulez]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.

 

[lisab]

Far Side had that same idea...

 

[Isaacsname]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse... then you get a little buggy.

 

[Lancelot59]

Did you hear about the Amish flu?

There are only two symptoms.

First you get a little hoarse... then you get a little buggy.

Ha! It's funny!

 

[HeLiXe]

Son: Dad, I want to go for a 50 Cent concert!

Dad: Sure. Here's a dollar. Take your sister too.

 

[IMP]

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'