Collection of Lame Jokes

[QuarkCharmer]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

 

[Drakkith]

:crickets chirping:

...I don't get it...

Neither do I Dave.

 

[HeLiXe]

The calculus professor on ocw.mit was explaining the reason why it's important to be sure that a function is an indeterminate form before applying a certain limit rule involving derivatives. He closed the lecture with a word of advice:

"You should always look before you L'hop"

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

 

[DaveC426913]

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"?

That's so nerd.

 

[QuarkCharmer]

cute

but isn't that "O" sound the strong vowel sound...like "hope"? >_< unless prof burger was just saying it wrong

You are correct. However, that is a true story. Somewhere in the single variable calculus video lectures he says that, pronouncing it "Lop".

 

[HeLiXe]

You are correct.

-_- I guess the world will be ending sooner than we all expected

 

[micromass]

How can you tell if a scientist has been locked in your
refrigerator?

You know the old joke about how you can tell if an elephant has been locked
in your refrigerator?
(There are footprints in the butter)

Well... how can you tell if a mathematician has been locked in your
refrigerator?
(If the walls are covered with equations and the coffee is all gone)

If a quantum physicist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All of a sudden you are uncertain if the milk is there or not)

If a developmental biologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the eggs have hatched into some really strange looking chicks)

If a bacteriologist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(There are those little red biohazard stickers on everything)

If a geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the yeasts and bacteria genomes have been sequenced and their phylum
mapped on the walls)

If a molecular geneticist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(A cross between a chicken and an eggplant walks out)

If a materials scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(You can now spread the butter only one molecule thick and there is no way
to cut the cheese without a focused ion beam)

If an immunologist has been locked in your refrigerator
(There is a patent pending and a new drug entering Phase I clinical trials
based on the grey-green stuff growing on the leftovers)

A computer scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(The refrigerator now uses four times the power and has to be restarted
every other time you open the door)

If a modern plant scientist has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the vegetables look perfect, last forever and taste like nothing)

If an environmental scientist has been locked in your fridge?
(All the spills have been catalogued and there is a treatise on global
warming half written in soy-sauce-based ink on the door)

If a M.Sc. student has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone except for the healthy stuff)

If a postdoc has been locked in your refrigerator?
(All the food is gone and the shelves licked clean)

 

[Isaacsname]

Neither do I Dave.

I hear Dave has the number of a good joke tutor..

 

[jobyts]

While creating wives, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.And then God made the Earth round...

 

[HeLiXe]

 

[miniradman]

Lame Science Jokes

I don't know about everyone else here, but I'm a sucker for the lame science jokes or puns.

eg.

hydrogen atom 1 said
"I think I've lost an electron"

Hydrogen atom 2 replied
"are you sure?"

hydrogen atom 1 said
"yes, I am positive"

Hydrogen atom 2 replied
"well then, you better keep an ion them"


Anyone willing to share some science jokes?

 

[Denishverma]

lol funny Hydrogen atom speak something - lol :)

 

[BadBrain]

miniradman:

Great P-Chem joke, but I think it would have been a bit stronger had it stopped with the line: "Yes, I am positive!"***

Anyways, I have a few scientific daffynitions:

GI Tract: Real Estate term for an army base.

Expansion Joint: Honkey-tonk with an addition attached.

Carbon Ring: Organized coal thieves.

Dark Flow: Diarrhea (Sorry 'bout that!)

***

I have a few more, but i can't think of them right now.

 

[miniradman]

Man, organic chemistry is hard. Because everytime I do it, I have Alkynes of trouble

 

[BadBrain]

Man, organic chemistry is hard. Because everytime I do it, I have Alkynes of trouble

Hey, I took my last vacation in the Isles of Langerhans!

 

[miniradman]

Hey, I took my last vacation in the Isles of Langerhans!

AHAHAHA! nice...

A super conductor walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get out, the super conductor leaves without any resistance.

 

[BadBrain]

AHAHAHA! nice...

A super conductor walks into a bar. The barman tells him to get out, the super conductor leaves without any resistance.

Actually, a superior conductor would leave the bar with minimal resistance, whereas only a PERFECT conductor would leave the bar without any resistance.

***

Anyways, a teenaged girl spent a weekend with both her pairs of grandparents. Each grandparent presented her with the pair of blue denim trousers they had worn at Woodstock. The young lady gratefully realized that she had received one-quarter of her jeans from each of her grandparents!

 

[DaveC426913]

miniradman:

Great P-Chem joke, but I think it would have been a bit stronger had it stopped with the line: "Yes, I am positive!"

I'd heard that one before a lot. I'd never heard minirfadman's spin on it.

 

[miniradman]

I have a few more, but i can't think of them right now.

Yeah, I would share some more. But all the good ones... argon

 

[IMP]

[PLAIN]http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/1858/rabbitshadow.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

[PLAIN]http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/1858/rabbitshadow.jpg[/QUOTE]

I can do a pretty good dinosaur face, complete with an eye that looks around.

 

[FlexGunship]

I can do a pretty good dinosaur face, complete with an eye that looks around.

Wait... what dinosaur has a silhouette with a distinguishable eye?

[PLAIN]http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_439/1253797759RnO7js.jpg

 

[Lancelot59]

Wait... what dinosaur has a silhouette with a distinguishable eye?

[PLAIN]http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_439/1253797759RnO7js.jpg[/QUOTE]

Not a silhouette. It's a face with a mouth and an eye.

 

[lisab]

[PLAIN]http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpg

 

[Evo]

[PLAIN]http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpg[/quote]lol!

 

[FlexGunship]

I love chemistry cat! A few more for you courtesy of Memetracker on Huffington Post (the first one is from Tumblr).

[PLAIN]http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsgvh9qjSz1qj4buio1_400.jpg

 

[HeLiXe]

[PLAIN]http://chzmemebase.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/memes-all-your-base-are-belong-to-us.jpg[/QUOTE]

omg LOLOL very good 1 lisab!

 

[Ibix]

What's the SI unit of beauty? The milli-Helen (mH), which is the amount of beauty needed to launch exactly one ship.

 

[DaveC426913]

What's the SI unit of beauty? The milli-Helen (mH), which is the amount of beauty needed to launch exactly one ship.

 

[jobyts]

Q: How do you know if a leper has sent you a letter?
A: The tongue is still on the envelope.

 

[Ibix]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

 

[lisab]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

that's so awesome

 

[FlexGunship]

A small-town guy gets a job in New York. He finds an apartment in Queens, figuring he'll take the subway to work every day.

On the first day, he notices that one of his fellow passengers is rather hairy with a heavy brow. He's wearing a loincloth of animal skin and carrying a stone spear. In short, a Neanderthal. Nobody else seems to be paying attention (you know how the subway is), but the guy can't believe his eyes. Eventually, he plucks up courage to ask.

"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind my asking, but... Are you a Neanderthal?"

"Yes. Yes, I am," answers the Neanderthal. "Why do you ask?"

"Oh, no reason, no reason," answers the guy. "It's just... Well, I thought you guys went extinct."

"Well New York is a blue state," answers the Neanderthal. "But there are still a few of us around."

"Right, right," says the guy, and a short silence falls.

"New to the city, are you?" asks the Neanderthal, politely.

"Oh yeah," answers the guy. "I just moved here at the weekend. I'm from Montana originally, a town called Hamilton."

The Neanderthal's face suddenly goes blank and he takes a step back. At that moment, the train pulls into a station and the Neanderthal backs off the train and disappears into the crowd. Everybody left in the subway car is staring at the guy in an unfriendly way. Not really sure what he's done, he thinks he'd better find out. One lady looks less unsympathetic than the others, so he decides to ask her.

"I'm sorry, I'm new here. Can you tell me what I said wrong?"

"You really must be new," answers the lady. "Everyone around here knows: you never evolve if you commute with a Hamiltonian."

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.

 

[Borek]

http://cp.ifunny.mobi/images/3037ee5e79508bd554bbdf740d9edfacca96752e_1.jpg

 

[WhoWee]

Did you hear they're going to close Cedar Point?They want to keep the kids away from Sandusky.

(regional)