Collection of Lame Jokes

[FlexGunship]

(regional)

Very.

 

[Ibix]

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.

I was told the joke by a colleague, the only other guy with university-level physics in my office. English isn't his first language, and between his grammar and his thick accent I have to pay pretty close attention to understand him. Something about concentrating like that on a shaggy dog story meant that the punchline hit hard, and I did indeed laugh out loud. He turns to his immediate neighbours and says "See - it is funny".

I gather it had been totally lost on the maths-with-stats crowd we work with.

 

[DaveC426913]

I feel like this might win the award for the most contrived joke ever. Still funny, though.

No 'Special Ross and Lester Cheese' is the most contrived joke ever.

Please don't make me tell it.

 

[FlexGunship]

Please don't make me tell it.

Please, Dave... tell it...

 

[Borek]

How do you call German forum admin locking himself out of the forum?

Autobahn.

 

[HeLiXe]

How do you call German forum admin locking himself out of the forum?

Autobahn.

the one track mind of banning in action -_-

 

[DaveC426913]

Please, Dave... tell it...

:sigh:

So, John is a new bus driver, and is assigned his first route, the famous Sesame Street. He doesn't really know what to expect of the kids.

At his first stop, a little girl gets on and marches up to him and says,"Hi, my name is Pat and I'm fat." She then sits in the back of the bus. Second stop another girl gets on and says,"Hi, I'm Patricia and I'm obese." She goes and sits next to Pat. John just shakes his head.

Third stop, a little boy gets on and says to John,"I'm Ross, and I'm special." He marches to the back and sits by the girls.

Next stop, another boy gets on and says, "My name is Lester Cheese." Lester sits down right behind John and proceeds to take his shoes and socks off. He has bunions on his feet and starts to pick at them.

John is watching in his rearview mirror and doesn't notice a stop sign as he blows through it. As luck would have it, a police officer is sitting there, pulls him over and starts really giving him a tongue-lashing for dangerous driving with kids on the bus.

John says to the officer, "Look, give me a break. Don't you realize what I have here? I've got two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

 

[micromass]

http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2011/11/funny-pictures-history-no-im-not-going-to-play-cards-with-you-youre-a-cheeta.jpg

 

[HeLiXe]

John says to the officer, "Look, give me a break. Don't you realize what I have here? I've got two obese Pattys, Special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!"

This is great stuff

 

[Ivan Seeking]

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

 

[micromass]

If you believe in reincarnation, shouldn't your gravestone say BRB instead of RIP??

 

[Borek]

If you believe in reincarnation, shouldn't your gravestone say BRB instead of RIP??

Somehow it made me wonder if Gates grave shouldn't be blue.

Not that I wish him to die fast, don't get me wrong. I am just thinking about inevitable.

 

[gravenewworld]

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/memebase.jpg?w=350

 

[DaveC426913]

http://cheezfailbooking.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/memebase.jpg?w=350

There was a very long-lasting thread on exactly this floating around here.

 

[Lancelot59]

There was a very long-lasting thread on exactly this floating around here.

Sounds entertaining, let's see if we can find it.

 

[DaveC426913]

Sounds entertaining, let's see if we can find it.

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=450364
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=452917

 

[Borek]

Made me think about taxicab geometry.

 

[Ibix]

A traveling salesmen is out in the middle of nowhere in central USA. He's looking for a place to stop for a bite to eat when he sees a sign saying 'Meet Chief Sitting Deer, the Indian with the perfect memory! Only $1!' and, even better, there's a cafe. He pulls over.

The food in the cafe isn't bad. The salesman figures he'll pass on meeting the chief, but the waitresses are all wearing 'I remember I met the Chief!' t-shirts, and his curiosity gets the better of him. He pays his dollar and goes into the Chief's teepee.

The Chief is sitting cross-legged in front of a fire. 'Uh, hi,' says the salesman. The Chief holds out one hand, palm towards the salesman.

'How.'

'Uh, they say you remember everything,' says the salesman. 'I was wondering what you had for breakfast on 10th March 1987.'

The chief thinks for a minute, then says one word.

'Eggs.'

The salesman is impressed, but gets the impression that the show is over and takes his leave.

A few months later he's on the same route and sees the same sign. He needs a bite to eat, and he decides he'll see the Chief again. He figures that he ought to remember him if his memory is as good as it's supposed to be. He pays his dollar and goes in. He remembers the way the Chief greeted him last time, so does the same thing: holds his hand up, palm towards the Chief, and says 'How'.

The Chief thinks for a minute and says one word.

'Fried.'

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Did you hear about the Israeli man who died of food poisoning? Police suspect it was a hummus side.

 

[OmCheeto]

gads. yet another new genre...

is nothing sacred anymore?

Q: What do you call someone who covers his parts in chick peas, garlic and tahini?
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.
.
.
.
.
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A: A hummusexual.



(welcome to PF Anna! )

 

[Anna Blanksch]

Hahaha! OmCheeto funny!

What's brown and sticky?

...A stick! :)

 

[lisab]

Hahaha! OmCheeto funny!

What's brown and sticky?

...


A stick! :)

HA! That's so lame...I'm telling it to everyone today !

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Asteroids are just A's on steroids.

 

[Drakkith]

Asteroids are just A's on steroids.

 

[FtlIsAwesome]

Hey, I'm putting the LAME back in LAME Jokes.

 

[Drakkith]

Hey, I'm putting the LAME back in LAME Jokes.

I couldn't agree more!

 

[edward]

There was a very humble man who lived in a village. His fellow villagers rewarded the man for being so humble by giving him a beautiful silver medal.

The first time he wore the medal the villagers took it back.

(groan)

 

[Lancelot59]

I make chemistry jokes periodically.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I make chemistry jokes periodically.

When it comes to humor, chemistry jokes are elemental.

 

[Lancelot59]

When it comes to humor, chemistry jokes are elemental.

They can make good transitions into the next phase of your show.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

They can make good transitions into the next phase of your show.

And you can always expect a reaction.

 

[Lancelot59]

And you can always expect a reaction.

It really is a noble form of humour. You can get alkalines of laughs.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

It really is a noble form of humour. You can get alkalines of laughs.

But you have to spin it correctly.

 

[Lancelot59]

But you have to spin it correctly.

They can get a little bit quarky.

 

[Char. Limit]

They can get a little bit quarky.

But sometimes they can be positively hilarious.