Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

And religion, goes down a storm in the pub too!

Let's stick to football. Did you watch the Old Firm match yesterday?

 

[Ibix]

View attachment 335352

The question is, is "Zeitgeist" a spirit or a geist ale?

 

[jack action]

View attachment 335071

 

[pinball1970]

Let's stick to football. Did you watch the Old Firm match yesterday?

Old Firm to me means Celtic V Rangers, there a few internationals yesterday, U17, womens??

 

[Ibix]

Old Firm to me means Celtic V Rangers

Yup. Nice safe topic of conversation with no chance of fighting.

(I've no idea if there was a match between them yesterday - guessing not from your reaction.)

 

[fresh_42]

And religion, goes down a storm in the pub too!

Everything works that fulfills the following three conditions:

1. Everybody has an opinion.
2. Nobody has a clue.
3. People can be divided into disjoint groups.

 

[fresh_42]

Yup. Nice safe topic of conversation with no chance of fighting.

Celtic vs. Rangers? Ain't this religion?

 

[berkeman]

From Facebook today...

 

[DaveC426913]

View attachment 335351

At a Thanksgiving dinner a few years ago, I got bored with the dry conversation. I nodded to my fam members sitting near me at the kids' end of the table, saying "Watch this!"

I mimed grabbing a grenade, and pulling the pin out with my teeth.
I hollered "Trump!" and lobbed the pretend grenade into the middle of the other end of the table. I stuck my fingers in my ears and mimed cowering.

The explosion went off and the grown ups argued for an hour straight.

True story!

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Ibix]

Celtic vs. Rangers? Ain't this religion?

Is football not a religion?

Yes, Celtic/Rangers correlates closely with Catholic/Protestant.

 

[fresh_42]

Is football not a religion?

Yes, Celtic/Rangers correlates closely with Catholic/Protestant.

When we were kids we played Subbuteo. I had a team in blue jerseys with white shorts and he had a team in white with green horizontal stripes on the jerseys. However, I was Catholic in real life, and he was Protestant.

I wished that aphorism would work more often in reality.

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jtbell]

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

 

[topsquark]

How do you fix a jack-o-lantern?

With a pumpkin patch.

-Dan

 

[jack action]

Want to get back on your feet?

Miss two car payments.

 

[jack action]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 335485​

Fire Aunts:
https://www.wcccpartners.org/women-s-fire-crew

 

[jtbell]

A long time ago I read a short story about a kid who read pulp-magazine science fiction obsessively. He fell asleep and had a nightmare about being trapped on a planet of giant aunts.

They surrounded him, wagging their fingers at him and saying, "Stop reading that trash!"

 

[Swamp Thing]

Agony Ant:

https://newatlas.com/biology/ant-venom-unique-action-long-lasting-pain/

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mayhem]

Sadism: When course instructors insist that attaching spectra to the end of a report is better than sending them as separate pdf files.

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

View attachment 335644​

Yes, it's a total mystery why Tom Hanks hasn't starred in The Martian. Probably because his travel disasters are even more expensive.

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the turkey who was arrested for fowl play?

 

[topsquark]

Did you hear about the turkey who was arrested for fowl play?

Yes. They detained him in a cell at 350 F for 6 hours.

-Dan

 

[BillTre]

 

[BillTre]

 

[Ibix]

Yes. They detained him in a cell at 350 F for 6 hours.

That's perp sweating with the gloves off.

 

[nsaspook]

Blink twice if GPT-5 is holding you hostage.

https://techcrunch.com/2023/11/17/sam-altman-is-out-as-openais-ceo/

Sam Altman ousted as OpenAI’s CEO​

 

[fresh_42]

 

[jtbell]

I hear there's a bowling alley that uses frozen turkeys instead of bowling balls during Thanksgiving week. The ones that go down the sides of the lane and miss the pins completely are Butterballs.

 

[Delta Prime]

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I will tell you tomorrow!

 

[dextercioby]

 

[fresh_42]