What is the reality of finding a perfect partner?

[DaveC426913]

But surely you expect them to give up some things -- I didn't see any reason to sugarcoat it. Maybe trade would have been a better word?

There's nothing like pre-conceived ideas and expectations to turn a potential partner off...

 

[Hurkyl]

I expect anyone I'm dating to give up dating other people for that time. I think it's a fair expectation! (And I am perfectly happy to turn off those who would disagree. )

 

[DaveC426913]

I expect anyone I'm dating to give up dating other people for that time. I think it's a fair expectation! (And I am perfectly happy to turn off those who would disagree. )

Welllll yes. That's really more about defining the relationship itself, rather than a requirement that one person has of another person's behaviour, if you see what I mean.

 

[Hurkyl]

That was just the most obvious example. I, for example, cannot stand cigarette smoke. So, I'm also perfectly happy to turn off smokers too.

 

[Moonbear]

Is this thread the women's counter-part to the "Girl Trouble" thread?

Okay, so here's why I'm asking. I met my sister's boyfriend yesterday, and they were all cute and stuff. Then I read about rocketboy and Brittany today, and how cute are they? And a friend asked me, just in general, if I was looking for a boyfriend. For some reason, I think I got hung up on trying to make clear that I don't think I need one, i.e., that there are some more important things that I don't think I would be willing to change or give up in order to have that kind of relationship, and I think I ended up just sounding cold.

Yeah, I know where you're coming from. It seems to feel like there are times when suddenly everyone gets into relationships or hitched all at the same time, and when you're the only one who still hasn't met anyone, and your friends are all out on dates while you're sitting here posting on PF all night, yeah, you start to really crave having some of the joy of relationships that you see all around you. And, yes, reading rocketboy's tales really got me nostalgic about first dates and kisses that seem to never end and all that good stuff. A good relationship also provides some stability in life that's nice to have. When I have an especially hard day at work, I wish there was someone else to help out at home...make the dinner, or even just pick up take-out so I don't have to bother with it, or just be there for hugs and snuggling as I wind down.

On the other hand, there are good things about being single too. I don't have to compromise with anyone when I'm choosing furniture or decorating my home, I just do it all the way I like it. When I want or need to move for a new job, I don't have to ask anyone or worry about limiting locations to where a spouse can move as well. That's actually something my married friends are envious about, that I've had the experience of living in many places and haven't been locked into the limited choices in the area they've settled down with their spouses. The longer you live alone, the more you get set in your ways too, so that much harder to change things when you meet someone who does things a bit differently.

The biggest challenge to me in meeting someone after living alone so long is that I am self-sufficient, but wouldn't mind having someone I could lean on once in a while (and who could lean on me too). The challenge I've had is that most men I've met are intimidated by a woman who is totally self-sufficient. Toss in a PhD into the mix, and other than those losers who think they've struck gold, in the sense of finding a woman to provide for them while they sit on the couch drinking beer and watching sports all day, it seems the rest of the men I meet are too insecure to consider a relationship where they know they aren't needed to be the provider. I know there are men out there who don't have these insecurities, and who would be comfortable in a more equal partnership with a woman, but I don't know where they hide, especially the still-single ones.

On the other hand, I've known plenty of people who want a relationship so badly that they're willing to settle for anyone who comes along. They're the people that end up very unhappy in their relationships, have had multiple marriages, etc. I've seen enough of those to want to avoid that. That's the nice thing about not needing a man in my life; I can take my time finding the one I really want in my life.

 

[fargoth]

You fell in love with a girl in under 6 months!
That's fast.

well, with two out of the four...

the first one i knew for about half a year before we entered a relationship, and after a month into the relationship (i think, it was four years ago... can't remember the chronology that well) i realized i can't get her out of my mind, and got my heart jumping every time i heard here voice when i answered the phone... ahhh, first love

and the second one i knew for a year before i fell inlove, and then we were together for a year on an "on-and-off" basis, never really together, i even tried to see other people after half a year... that's why i don't count it for more then half a year...

i guess i got burned twice, and someone else got burned by me once (i haven't gotten over the second one when we went out)
and with the fourth it ended ok, though i wanted us to keep in touch, and it seems she didnt... its a lot easier when there's no love in the relationship (i mean real fire, not just attraction and friendliness)
less fun though...

 

[honestrosewater]

There's nothing like pre-conceived ideas and expectations to turn a potential partner off...

I didn't mean for it to sound like I had this figured out. I dated, if you could even call it that, from about 12 to 17, my priorities changed, and I haven't given much thought to sharing my life with anyone since. So I'm looking for information.
I was just honestly surprised that russ was surprised to hear the question. I figured it might have been my choice of words. Is it not common to make compromises in most human relationships? It seems like there are lots of rules, especially the unwritten kind, surrounding dating. If there is an aspect of commitment in the relationship, do you not give up anything in making a commitment? What exactly? Does the "you're free to do whatever you want to; I don't expect anything from you" approach actually work in a long-term, presumably rather rare, intimate relationship with someone you care about?

Does no one expect their partner to live in the same house with them? To stay home and raise their children? To spend x amount of time with them? To remain attractive? To stop looking for another partner? Maybe it would help to ask it this way: If you were in a serious relationship with someone, what could they do that would be a rather major, shocking disappointment? For example, if your partner told you one day that they didn't want to have sex with you anymore, you wouldn't bat an eye?

I'm not assuming it's the same for everyone. I'm just looking for some ideas -- things that I should think about -- and, if there are any, some common expectations.

 

[fargoth]

The challenge I've had is that most men I've met are intimidated by a woman who is totally self-sufficient. Toss in a PhD into the mix, and other than those losers who think they've struck gold, in the sense of finding a woman to provide for them while they sit on the couch drinking beer and watching sports all day, it seems the rest of the men I meet are too insecure to consider a relationship where they know they aren't needed to be the provider. I know there are men out there who don't have these insecurities, and who would be comfortable in a more equal partnership with a woman, but I don't know where they hide, especially the still-single ones.

I don't afraid of woman who's smart and has a good job, one of my relationships were with a student for medical degree, she was very smart, and if our relationship was long enough for her to graduate, i wouldn't have minded her making more money then i do.

 

[Moonbear]

There's nothing like pre-conceived ideas and expectations to turn a potential partner off...

Don't we all have certain expectations of what we want in a partner? If it turns them off, then it probably means they weren't the right one. Though, going back to the comment you quoted when you wrote this response, I absolutely do not expect someone to give up anything for me. I'm not interested in a fixer-upper project, I'm interested in a relationship. If someone has characteristics that are deal-breakers, then they are just that, deal-breakers, not something I'm going to try changing about them. There seem to be a lot of women who take on "projects" and want to "fix" the flaws they see in men. This never works. If you can't love someone WITH all their flaws, then you don't love them. Nobody is perfect, but it's a matter of finding one with the flaws you can live with.

As Hurkyl pointed out, there are some things that right off the bat will eliminate someone from consideration. Trying to change those things to make the person acceptable are a bad approach. He gave an example that would be a complete deal-breaker for me too...smoking. If I see a guy lighting up a cigarrette, I'm not even going to consider him. I'm not going to pursue him and then try to get him to quit...it might or might not work out, but I'm not going to take the chance he'll quit for a while and go back to smoking because I absolutely cannot live with that. Likewise, if a guy spends all weekend-long glued to a TV watching sports, that's too far removed from my interests to make it worthwhile pursuing him; I'm not going to try to make him give up something he enjoys. On the other hand, if a guy likes sports, but isn't a fanatic about it, and is happy to just watch one game a week played by his favorite team, or can read the scores in the paper and go to a game with his friends once in a while, that's something I can live with...the time he'd spend enjoying his interest is time I could spend enjoying some other interest of mine that he doesn't share...I would want a relationship where it's okay for us each to pursue our own independent interests so we aren't permanently joined at the hip. To me, it would be smothering to have to spend every single moment together. A little time to pursue independent interests is a good thing in my view, but, of course, you still need to have enough common interests to enjoy being together as well.

 

[honestrosewater]

I don't have to compromise with anyone... I just do it all the way I like it... I don't have to ask anyone... haven't been locked into the limited choices... totally self-sufficient... equal partnership... That's the nice thing about not needing a man in my life; I can take my time finding the one I really want in my life.

Mhm, yep, yep, yep.

Does anyone else feel compelled to tell a (potential) partner "I don't need you"? I do, and I wonder whether it's a woman thing or not. (Edit: meaning, or am I perhaps extra sensitive to what a man might expect of me because I'm a woman. Do other people think about this stuff?) Is it clear to everyone else the difference between "I don't need you" and "I don't want you"?

 

[Moonbear]

I was just honestly surprised that russ was surprised to hear the question. I figured it might have been my choice of words. Is it not common to make compromises in most human relationships? It seems like there are lots of rules, especially the unwritten kind, surrounding dating. If there is an aspect of commitment in the relationship, do you not give up anything in making a commitment? What exactly? Does the "you're free to do whatever you want to; I don't expect anything from you" approach actually work in a long-term, presumably rather rare, intimate relationship with someone you care about?

I think I might have just answered your questions without knowing you asked them (you posted while I was typing another lengthy reply). But, I'm not sure if your word choice is confusing, or if you really are seeing things in the way it sounds like you've written it. I think people in general (not necessarily you...I don't know) confuse compromise with expecting someone to give up things. Yes, when two people with different habits join together and live together (regardless of marital status actually), mutual compromises need to be made. If I like to keep the sugar bowl on the counter next to the coffee maker and he prefers it left in the middle of the kitchen table, one of us is going to have to give in, or we'll need to get two sugar bowls, or we just shove the darn thing up in a cabinet so neither of us can remember where we put it while groping around to make that first morning cup of coffee. I'm willing to agree to leave the sugar bowl on the kitchen table, with the caveat that it's his job to sweep up the spilled sugar if I knock it over while doing paperwork at the table. After I knock over the sugar bowl for the 30th time while sitting at the kitchen table paying the bills, he's probably going to agree to move the sugar bowl back to the counter, or he's going to glue a heavy weight to the bottom of it, which would leave me laughing too hard to be offended. That's compromise. On the other hand, if I walk into a relationship with my list of demands of things I expect him to change, and we have to sit down and negotiate it like a contract or corporate merger, there aren't many quicker ways to end a relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

Mhm, yep, yep, yep.

Does anyone else feel compelled to tell a (potential) partner "I don't need you"? I do, and I wonder whether it's a woman thing or not. (Edit: meaning, or am I perhaps extra sensitive to what a man might expect of me because I'm a woman. Do other people think about this stuff?) Is it clear to everyone else the difference between "I don't need you" and "I don't want you"?

Oh, geez, no, I'd never tell a potential partner I don't need him. Male egos are far too fragile to handle being told something like that! Any guy who meets me will figure out pretty quickly how independent I am, so I shouldn't have to tell him that. But, no, I don't think the difference between needing and wanting comes across very well to people, and to tell someone you don't need them sounds like you're rejecting them. And, while I don't need a man in the generic sense, I highly suspect that once I find the one I really want, he will bring things to my life that I never really knew I needed, but can't imagine living without from that point onward. It's not worth the effort of trying to explain the distinction as long as you know it yourself; nobody wants to be told they aren't needed, even if they know you can function just fine on your own.

 

[Evo]

i'm shallow, i want my husband to be smart and physically attractive... plus i need someone a bit open minded but not a pushover. a good, but unique sense of humor and loves to smile. he has to like cats, and music and appreciate art. confidence is always good, but cocky is very bad. i want someone who's realistic, but with a good imagination. Someone who'll support my crazy ideas, but protect me when i get too wild. i need someone who's solid as a rock on the outside but with a sweet caring center. other than that, anyone'll do.

Wow, we want the same guy.

 

[Astronuc]

Oh, geez, no, I'd never tell a potential partner I don't need him. Male egos are far too fragile to handle being told something like that! Any guy who meets me will figure out pretty quickly how independent I am, so I shouldn't have to tell him that. But, no, I don't think the difference between needing and wanting comes across very well to people, and to tell someone you don't need them sounds like you're rejecting them. And, while I don't need a man in the generic sense, I highly suspect that once I find the one I really want, he will bring things to my life that I never really knew I needed, but can't imagine living without from that point onward. It's not worth the effort of trying to explain the distinction as long as you know it yourself; nobody wants to be told they aren't needed, even if they know you can function just fine on your own.

I agree with Moonbear.

In the first part, I would never tell my wife that I don't need her. However, I am coming from the other side of the dividing line - I am married and in my 24th year as a husband. As time goes by, one builds a history with one's partner and one becomes psychologically dependent, and in that sense it is a 'need'. On the other hand, I could 'exist' without my wife, but at this point in my life it would be cataclysmic change. For my own sanity and peace-of-mind, I need my wife (and kids) to be healthy and secure. When I married, I took on the responsibility for the well-being of my wife, to some extent, and we have two children, so that we both share that responsibility.

As for men's egos, I would generalize to people, both male and female. People have feelings, and people can be hurt. I try my best not to hurt anyone.


My wife and I are interdependent - we rely on each other for support. We share the best of times, and we have shared some bad times, e.g. conflicts between ourselves, and illnesses and deaths ( ) of friends, family members, and pets.

I didn't get married because I needed to get married. I simply wanted to have a companion/life-partner (preferably the right one) with whom I could share my life.

 

[honestrosewater]

Oh, geez, no, I'd never tell a potential partner I don't need him. Male egos are far too fragile to handle being told something like that! Any guy who meets me will figure out pretty quickly how independent I am, so I shouldn't have to tell him that. But, no, I don't think the difference between needing and wanting comes across very well to people, and to tell someone you don't need them sounds like you're rejecting them. And, while I don't need a man in the generic sense, I highly suspect that once I find the one I really want, he will bring things to my life that I never really knew I needed, but can't imagine living without from that point onward. It's not worth the effort of trying to explain the distinction as long as you know it yourself; nobody wants to be told they aren't needed, even if they know you can function just fine on your own.

Interesting. I'm all for being tactful and considerate, but I think that distinction is something I'd want him to understand. Nevermind the woman thing; I don't think that's the real motivation. (In fact, the main thing I don't like about dating is that it seems to make people suddenly no longer people but sexes. I don't even notice myself doing it sometimes. --Not that I'm dating anyone. Bah, whatever.) This distinction holds in other friendships too. It has to do with the bases and goals of friendships and such. Well, need and want don't capture the distinctions, but anyway... I guess I should work on the deliverance.

Anywho, I was really hoping for an easy answer, but I think it's something I'm just going to have to keep working on. What makes a relationship good is primarily an ethical question for me anyway. So, hm, maybe I will be alone for the rest of my life. Or maybe I should have made the title "What is wrong with me?!?"

Thanks, you guys have given me some good things to think about.

 

[quantumdude]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.

Didn't you say not too long ago that you're putting all that romantic nonsense on hold until you're done with school? Is it possible that guys are picking up that vibe from you?

(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

Nothing, other than sleeping with other people.

Seriously if you're thinking, "Gee, I really like that person. I'd be interested in dating him if I could change the following things about him..." then he's probably not for you.

 

[honestrosewater]

Didn't you say not too long ago that you're putting all that romantic nonsense on hold until you're done with school?

Yes, and didn't you advise against that? Well, I changed my mind. I mean, I would consider changing my mind. Bah, I give up. I don't know what I mean. Something. This stuff turns my brain to pudding. No, make that porridge. Yeah, porridge.
Maybe you (and, I think, just about everyone else) were right. Congrats.

Seriously if you're thinking, "Gee, I really like that person. I'd be interested in dating him if I could change the following things about him..." then he's probably not for you.

Yeah, I'm not interested in changing anyone like that. I'm concerned about what kind of commitments someone else might assume I am making or expect me to make. I'm just trying to think ahead and be prepared so that I can make responsible decisions and avoid, as much as possible, hurting anyone (including myself).

Oh, by the way, I think what you said about your girlfriend in your bio thing was really sweet. Ugh, so many sweet people doing sweet things. It makes me sick, I tell you.

 

[Astronuc]

Is it not common to make compromises in most human relationships?

It happens even in the best relationships, in families, in friendships, etc.

It seems like there are lots of rules, especially the unwritten kind, surrounding dating.

Well one can start with a platonic relationship. My wife and I met through mutual friends. I just started talking to her, and did not ask her on a date until about 9 months after I met her. We dated 3 months, when I proposed, and we more or less lived together for one year while engaged.

If there is an aspect of commitment in the relationship, do you not give up anything in making a commitment? What exactly?

I suppose one gives up total autonomy, in exchange for a committed, and hopefully reciprocal, relationship.

Does the "you're free to do whatever you want to; I don't expect anything from you" approach actually work in a long-term, presumably rather rare, intimate relationship with someone you care about?

Not from what I have seen. Both partners have expectations. That is where communication comes in. I know what my wife expects and she knows what I expect - as long as we communicate.

Does no one expect their partner to live in the same house with them?

I know of several relationships where this is the case.

To stay home and raise their children?

This must be by mutual agreement. My wife stayed home for a few years, and when the kids were old enough, she went to work part time, and gradually increased hours as the kids matured and were more independent. If I could have, I would have liked to stay home and work part-time.

To spend x amount of time with them?

I am usually home most evenings, when not traveling. I would prefer to be with the woman I love, by choice, not on demand.

To remain attractive?

I am growing old together with my wife, who is 6.5 years older than me. I think she is attractive no matter what.

To stop looking for another partner?

Of course. Although since I have been married, I have found two other extraordinary women, either of whom I would have married had I know of their existence 25+ years ago, or if I was not now married, I would marry either one if they were interested (and actually one was interested). But I am not looking to change partners.

Maybe it would help to ask it this way: If you were in a serious relationship with someone, what could they do that would be a rather major, shocking disappointment?

If she tried to kill me, e.g. run me over with the car or strangle me in bed, I might have a problem with that. Seriously, if my wife was violent or abusive, I'd leave with the kids. If my wife engaged in criminal, hurtful or otherwise destructive behavior, I would seek help, and then perhaps leave if she could not stop such behavior.

Actually, my wife did hit (punch) me in the mouth one time (about the time we got married), more or less by accident. She got frustrated when she could not stick a banana label on my nose, after I did it to her. She struck out in frustration (not really deliberately or out of meanness). She cried, I laughed - because she told me if I ever hit her, she would leave - and her she was the one who hit me. She has a really good right cross, and I had fat lip and bloody nose. I took her in my arms, and kissed her and told her that it was not a big deal to me - and that I loved her.

She only hit me once after that out of anger, and I pushed her away at that point. I have never hit my wife.

For example, if your partner told you one day that they didn't want to have sex with you anymore, you wouldn't bat an eye?

I would want to discuss it, and then take it from there. That would not necessarily end the marriage, but it might cause some tension.

 

[The_Professional]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.

you know, guys are thinking along the same lines..

 

[honestrosewater]

I suppose one gives up total autonomy, in exchange for a committed, and hopefully reciprocal, relationship.

Hm, I worry that, because I'm very serious about trying to be a good person and living a life that I can be proud to take responsibility for, I might come off as being cold or detached sometimes. That responsibility is why I value my autonomy so much and perhaps have even been overprotective of it. But I'm rethinking this and am starting to see how it might actually be quite beautiful to share that with someone else.

I think you're a great person, Astronuc. Thanks.

 

[russ_watters]

Lotta stuff in here, but one quickie: if any of you are worried about offending the guy you are going after, you're going after the wrong one (and I rather suspect the reverse is true too). Many guys are looking for a woman who is completely self-sufficient prior to the relationship.

 

[turbo]

There are honest decent folks out there that want to live quiet responsible lives. You probably won'f find them on the dating scene, though. Try doing your laundry at a coin-op place in a working-class part of town. Instead of burying yourself in a book, when you see people struggling with big bags of laundry, smile and open the door for them. If they smile back and/or keep stealing glances while loading the machines, make small talk. If there is a dryer that seems to dry clothes faster than the others, point it out to them, and if someone had just done a big load of muddy or greasy clothes in a washer, warn 'em about that. Just be yourself. Single men and women alike are often quite pleased when they have to do a time-consuming chore and end up meeting someone nice to chat with to make the time go faster. If they come back next week at the same time and act pleased to see you, the ice is already broken. Just be yourself. If you are self-conscious or quiet or blush easily, don't fight it - lots of members of the opposite sex are looking for a companion that is not loud and full of themselves.

My wife and I celebrate 31 years of marriage next month. We started with nothing (the mill we worked at was shut down), chased any jobs we could get, kept our expenses less than our earnings so we could save for our own place, and worked hard for everything we have. Lots of rice, beans, wild greens and chicken livers in those first few years, but I wouldn't trade away a minute of our time together. I wish you that kind of luck.

 

[Astronuc]

Hm, I worry that, because I'm very serious about trying to be a good person and living a life that I can be proud to take responsibility for, I might come off as being cold or detached sometimes. That responsibility is why I value my autonomy so much and perhaps have even been overprotective of it. But I'm rethinking this and am starting to see how it might actually be quite beautiful to share that with someone else.

One does not have to give up who one is in a relationship. I certainly did not want my wife to be other than the person she was when I met her. We support each other, and in some ways, we are better people for being husband and wife. We've had some incredible experiences together, the most profound of which was the birth of our two children.

I think you're a great person, Astronuc. Thanks.

If I was 30 years younger, hrw, I'd be courting you. I think you're a fine woman.

Actually, I am just me, and like everyone else (or most), I am just trying to do my best everyday. I am just satisfied to be a good husband, father, son, brother, friend, person. Since my wife hasn't kicked me out of the house, I presume I doing a reasonably adequate job.

 

[Moonbear]

There are honest decent folks out there that want to live quiet responsible lives. You probably won'f find them on the dating scene, though. Try doing your laundry at a coin-op place in a working-class part of town. Instead of burying yourself in a book, when you see people struggling with big bags of laundry, smile and open the door for them. If they smile back and/or keep stealing glances while loading the machines, make small talk.

I tried that, but all the single men just dropped off their laundry for the "pay by the pound" service and picked it up all washed, dried and folded. The problem is compounded by all the apartments that now feature washers and dryers, so those inclined to do their own laundry have long outgrown lugging laundry to laundromats.

Lotta stuff in here, but one quickie: if any of you are worried about offending the guy you are going after, you're going after the wrong one (and I rather suspect the reverse is true too). Many guys are looking for a woman who is completely self-sufficient prior to the relationship.

*waves hands in universal distress signal* I'm here!

Now would someone tell me where those guys are?

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Now would someone tell me where those guys are?

I think your problem is where you live. You should come to CA.

 

[turbo]

I tried that, but all the single men just dropped off their laundry for the "pay by the pound" service and picked it up all washed, dried and folded. The problem is compounded by all the apartments that now feature washers and dryers, so those inclined to do their own laundry have long outgrown lugging laundry to laundromats.

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

 

[Schrodinger's Dog]

Well no great expert on relationships, but the key thing here is understanding: forget the past if you can(often impossible) No person can be compared to previous relationships and it's unfair if you carry that baggage with you,understandable but try to have an open mind; People take work, women for men take more work and vice a versa; take every new relationship like it's the first(bear in mind the previous ones obviously, but don't let them colour your judgement) If you take relationships like it's a win or lose situation you're missing the point: compromise is the word you're looking for (no man or woman is going to be perfect: but if they're not quite the knight in shining armour you expected then they're only human) It's not whether you win or lose it's how you play the game. Take this to heart in sport, life and love and you won't go far wrong.

 

[Moonbear]

Well, do you live in a town small enough to have church suppers or PTA suppers? Usually (in Maine at least) the food is really good home-cooked grub, and the cost is nominal. If you are polite, pleasant, and attentive to others, the ladies will be pumping you for information and figuring out how to fix you up with their son/nephew/grandson. This is how things happen in small towns. People in urban areas actually pay for matchmaker/dating services that these nice ladies will perform for free.

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

 

[quantumcarl]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

What to do what to do. It might be a case of say... projection. Let's say you are river rafting and the water isn't doing what you'd like it to do. Do you say, what's wrong with water? Or, do you get out of the water?

Now, this type of situation should only be seen as a metaphor for a situation with one other person... not the whole gamut and gender of men.

Something someone told me was... "if you like her mother she will turn out just fine"... this would refer to the long range forecast of a relationship. Short term, you don't have to put up with very much unless the guy snorts when he laughs... et c...

If you like his father, this will be an indication of what 's like after a few years with you and whomever else may be in your relationship. The father/mother is the source of inspiration with regard to role modeling and bonding etc...

Using the parents of a prospective mate may be a nice short-cut to knowing if you'll be saying "What's wrong with these weird hairy organisms i feel strangely attracted to" after a few years of a relationship.

 

[Moonbear]

I think your problem is where you live. You should come to CA.

Hmm...that seems like a long commute. Somehow I don't think just waving my arms is going to work there. I better get some signal flares.

 

[saltydog]

Of course I don't think the same thing is wrong with all of them. That's just my way of saying that I'm sad and frustrated because I'd like to not be alone for the rest of my life, but I don't know what to do about it.
(Men and women,) What would you expect your spouse-type partner person to give up in order to have a happy relationship with you?

You'll find someone. Just do what most women do: date a bunch of them and rely on probability. Bound to be a good one in the bunch if you date enough of them. They say the two most important things in a successful relationship are friendship and communication. But really it's just one: wisdom. Surely the latter includes the former does it not? There's a slight problem to that I know and I suspect it's so for some grand Darwinian reason I'm not privy to. Anyway the successful couple is the wise couple and both being so allows either to relinquish little of the cherished things that are important to each.

 

[turbo]

Well, that limits things. You wouldn't catch me dead at a church supper. I don't want someone that religious. And if he relies on his grandma or mom to fix him up, he's too much of a mamma's boy for my taste. I've never heard of a PTA supper...wouldn't that be for parents?

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

 

[Cosmo16]

Wow, we want the same guy.

That would be because every girl wants the same 3 guys.

Actually- In all fairness- us guys aren't much better about that sort of thing.

 

[Moonbear]

Up here, it's pretty much acknowledged that you go to the church suppers and the PTA suppers for the best food. Nobody feels compelled to attend a church supper because of a religious preference, but if you know that mrr. XYZ is bringing in some wonderful beanhole-baked beans, you should go. If you are a decent person, you will get some feedback. Give it a shot.

No offense, but when people give me advice like that, it's when I start reminding myself that I'm content being single. I just don't really think the sort of guy I'd be interested in would attend such a thing any more than I would. I think I just need to find some girlfriends to go to the city with me, not that I ever found anyone there either.

In reality, I've never actually managed to meet guys by looking for them anyway. Usually the ones I dated were classmates or friends of friends. I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)...there were other odd things that left me puzzling over whether I was getting a full story from him...like the hairbrush on his bathroom counter even though he had hair far too short to require a brush.

 

[The_Professional]

I met one guy at a club, but that lasted about three dates (mainly because I saw his place on the third date and the crucifix in the bedroom that he claims his mom put there was enough to send me running off...he was either far too religious for me or far too much of a mamma's boy to not say no when he mom was decorating his apartment with religious paraphenalia)

maybe it was a gift from his mom. or he came from a religious background.
why would this be an issue?