Collection of Lame Jokes

[DrClaude]

I'm guessing they are there for the advertisements on the umbrellas.

Oh, yes, this also...

 

[phinds]

 

[phinds]

 

[dextercioby]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[topsquark]

View attachment 335990

No hybrids?

-Dan

 

[fresh_42]

 

[phinds]

THANKSGIVING EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly, it's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Thanksgiving!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. And make sure butter is involved. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Thanksgiving dinner is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted cookies in the shape and size of whatever, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert, Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. **

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

** I note that I disagree w/ this one. I LOVE fruitcake. (I do, of course, recognize that I am one of only perhaps 6 people in the entire civilized world who do, but still ...)

 

[topsquark]

** Me too. In fact, I'm making fruitcake tonight! Yum!

-Dan

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 335781

It's no' aboot what ye say, it's hoo ye say et.

 

[WWGD]

** Me too. In fact, I'm making fruitcake tonight! Yum!

-Dan

Ah, reminds me, need to call back my ex gf.

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 335995

G K Chesterton was too obese to volunteer in World War I.
At a party, a lady asked him, "Why aren't you out at the Front, young man?"

Spoiler

He replied, "If you will step to my side, madam, you will see that I am".

 

[fresh_42]

 

[nsaspook]

 

[jtbell]

From the TSA: You can carry your green beans and mac & cheese and yams on the plane, but the gravy has to go by boat.

 

[jack action]

 

[BillTre]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Borg]

That's missing the contestant who completes the final square here.

 

[Borg]

 

[Borg]

Saw this in a comments section:
Fun Fact: The Lions are now 0-13 On Thanksgiving When The Moon is on a waxing gibbous phase.

 

[phinds]

 

[Swamp Thing]

View attachment 336052

That's a handy superpower to have.

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Swamp Thing]

I think it's along the lines of "sein stromrechnung", but what is "wotti nit ha"?

 

[fresh_42]

wollte ich nicht haben = I didn't want to have

 

[DennisN]

What? Are you going to put that rusty key in my mouth?

 

[jack action]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[fresh_42]

 

[Mayhem]

That's missing the contestant who completes the final square here.

View attachment 336049

Clearly, constellations are a conspiracy theory.

 

[jtbell]

View attachment 336100

Maybe those are pandemic benches.

 

[fresh_42]

Maybe those are pandemic benches.

Finnish is the more likely reason.

 

[Swamp Thing]

Structural engineer who wants to cut a few corners: "Truss me, bro!"

 

[jtbell]

Finnish is the more likely reason.

Finnish males do have a stereotype of being loners, leading to jokes like this:

Two Finns got together for a drink after not having seen each other for a long time. After sitting at the table drinking for an hour, one spoke up: "Sure is cold today, isn't it?"

The other growled, "Did we come here to drink or to talk?"

Here's a group of four Finns, in an 1894 painting:

From upper left, the artist Akseli Gallen-Kallela (who painted this), the composer Oskar Merikanto, the conductor Robert Kajanus, and the composer Jean Sibelius.