Collection of Lame Jokes

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In summary: It's a humor that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness. It's not for everyone.Not a fan of surrealism, I take it?In summary, surrealism is an art form that relies on absurdity and unexpectedness, often producing incongruous imagery or effects. It may not be appreciated by everyone, but for those who do, it can be quite humorous.
  • #2,031
[Well I assumed that someone would finish the joke for me]

... so it should be "oh, oh, oh"
 
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  • #2,033
Chicken Surprise

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
 
  • #2,034
Gauss taught Sherlock Holmes to solve linear equations. "Eliminatory, my dear Holmes," he explained.
 
  • #2,035
QuarkCharmer said:
Gauss taught Sherlock Holmes to solve linear equations. "Eliminatory, my dear Holmes," he explained.

He must have misunderstood, because that's not how he explained it to Watson.
 
  • #2,036
imp said:
chicken surprise

a couple go for a meal at a chinese restaurant and order the 'chicken surprise', the waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly, and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

'please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?' the husband replies, 'chicken surprise.'

'ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'i bring you peeking duck!'
lol!
 
  • #2,037
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.
 
  • #2,038
IMP said:
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

So poke a hole in it instead?
 
  • #2,039
There was a hail storm, and the body shop was crowded with people wanting the dings taken out of their cars. A blond was having trouble understanding what the counter person was saying, and he got exasperated, and told her to just go home, and blow in the tail pipe really hard until all the dings pop back out.


A while later her other blond friend comes over, and sees her blowing really hard on the tail pipe over and over again...and asks what she's doing.

She explains, and the other blond walks around the car, thinking, and finally exclaims "You IDIOT! You have to roll up the windows first!"
 
  • #2,040
A blind guy at the bar says, "hey, I have this great blond joke..."

One of the guys at the bar stops him, and says, "Wait, just so you know, I'm blond, and a 5th degree blackbelt, Sven there is blond, and is a professional boxer, and Oleg there is blond, and a pro wrestler...none of us is less than 6' 5" tall, and all of us are built like body builders...are you SURE you want to tell a blond joke?"

And the blind guys listens, and says, well, I guess not under the circumstances, I'd hate to have to explain it three times.
 
  • #2,041
Do you know the difference between a jug of milk and a dozen ferocious rabid wolverines?
"No, what?"

Remind me to never send you to get groceries...
 
  • #2,042
Tachyon

Who's there?


Knock Knock
 
  • #2,043
I like those! Lolz were had.
 
  • #2,044
Did you hear about the blond tachyon?She was a fast woman, but wanted dinner AFTER...
 
  • #2,045
Have you ever noticed that stupid ideas (or jokes! :biggrin:) seem to become smarter when they come at you rapidly?

It's called the dopeler effect.
 
  • #2,046
I wanted a good joke at the expense of someone else, so I went to the mirror and laughed like a maniac.
 
  • #2,047
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
 
  • #2,048
lololz
 
  • #2,049
Why was the rap-singing stunt-pilot arrested?

For jinking and jiving.
 
  • #2,050
turbo said:
Why was the rap-singing stunt-pilot arrested?

For jinking and jiving.

This one...hurts...my brain...
 
  • #2,051
lololollollll that was so great
 
  • #2,053
Son: Dad, how will I know when it's the right time to get married?

Dad: When the little stick turns blue.
 
  • #2,054
- If I die first, please, marry Jake.
- I thought you hate him?
- Exactly.
 
  • #2,055
Saw this here ( http://tony.aiu.to/jokes/condoms.html ) had to post it

The Klein Bottle Condom: Modeled after the Klein bottle by a sexologist/topologist doing a study on transpatial invagination, Kleins are only for the most adventurous condom wearer since it is almost as difficult to get one off as it is to get it on (doing either has been compared to solving Rubik's cube). Theoretically, since they are one-sided, they must be totally impermeable and therefore the most effective condoms. Others believe the condom is so effective because it redirects the load into the fourth dimension (this may explain the "warning: side affects include becoming one's own grandpa"). Each package comes with an instruction booklet that is, unfortunately, 58 pages long.
 
  • #2,056
One Young-Earth Creationist says to another "Which is closer - the Moon or Mexico"? The other points at the Moon and replies "The Moon - Duh! You can't see Mexico from here".
 
Last edited:
  • #2,057
Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Get it? Fish can't talk! :smile:
 
  • #2,058
Galteeth said:
Q: How many Polish people does it take to elect the mayor of Warsaw?

A: Approximately 400,000, a plurality of the average number of voters in mayoral elections.

Q: Why do so few flights take off from Wroclaw?

A: Because you have to be very careful when putting simple Poles on complex planes.
 
  • #2,059
feathermoon said:
Two fish are in a tank, one looks at the other and says...

..."You man the guns, I'll drive!"

Shouldn't that read, "You fish the guns, I'll drive!"?
 
  • #2,060
Teacher: There are 5 oranges on a mango tree. If I pick up 3 tomatoes how many potatoes would be left?
Students: It would be, 2 Elephants sir.
Teacher: Fantastic, How did you figure it out?
Students: Because we have omelets for our lunch today.

Moral of the Story: You have to brush your teeth twice daily, otherwise you would have rats on your home.

(Does this joke qualify for lame joke? (I don't actually know what a lame joke is?))
 
  • #2,061
Do you know what's the most difficult thing about licking hallucinogenic toads ?

They're ticklish when you get down around the testes. :eek:
 
  • #2,062
Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.
 
  • #2,063
Ivan Seeking said:
Last night, my wife, Tsu, and I had little disagreement. After a bit of discussion she agreed that I was right. "Of course I am", said I, "That's why God made me the man!"

She just stared at me; apparently left speechless by this amazing demonstration of perfect logic.

Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?
 
  • #2,064
Drakkith said:
Was that all your stuff outside on the lawn this morning?

Or mysteriously missing with a big black stain on the lawn?
 

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