Collection of Lame Jokes

[Ibix]

How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

0.99999999...

 

[Enigman]

Sticky, please!

 

[D H]

A comma or two here would be good.

 

[jtbell]

I bet he eats shoots and leaves, too!

 

[drizzle]

A comma or two here would be good.

 

[Enigman]

So you were the one stole my mug...
Now that was a lame joke. Yours doesn't qualify D H- its too funny!

 

[D H]

Warning: If someone sends you a link to the new Miley Cyrus video, don't click on it.

It's a link to the new Miley Cyrus video.

 

[dkotschessaa]

Warning: If someone sends you a link to the new Miley Cyrus video, don't click on it.

It's a link to the new Miley Cyrus video.

Ok, I'm "re-sharing" that.

 

[OmCheeto]

Ok, I'm "re-sharing" that.

I did too.

https://scontent-a-sea.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn2/1385215_10151991085943035_1584542605_n.jpg​

 

[dkotschessaa]

http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-Rock-Paper-Scissors-movie-poster.jpg

 

[jtbell]

http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-Rock-Paper-Scissors-movie-poster.jpg

...-lizard-Spock.

 

[PhysicsDad]

 

[Mandelbroth]

 

[OmCheeto]

I'm always teasing the kids at work, how brilliant I am.

Today, #1 handed me a magazine, and someone said; "Do you understand any of that"?
I thumbed through the journal, and couldn't understand any of it.
On the last page, was a picture of cats, and I said; "those are cats".

King cats? was blurted out. (czar cats)
major groans.

Later, I mentioned that I was having a bad bout of gas. Someone else responded that they were having the same problem. The conversation devolved into "tooting"

The punmeister then responded; "Perhaps you're the king of tooters! (Tudors)"

...

 

[D H]

Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer, dead at 53. Over Barcelona today, the famed reindeer was hit by a flock of seagulls and a 747. Eyewitnesses report that the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

 

[jtbell]

Overheard while Fred and Wilma were shopping for new kitchen countertops at the Bedrock Home Depot:

"Can't we get something gneiss instead of the same old schist?"

 

[dkotschessaa]

The first rule of tautology club is the first rule of tautology club.

 

[CompuChip]

Indeed, http://xkcd.com/703/

 

[dkotschessaa]

How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. You can always get a physicist to change it for you if you agree to help with some maths questions.

 

[Enigman]

Benjamin Franklin vs. Zeus
http://www.lolbrary.com/content/105/benjamin-franklin-vs-zeus--jason-heuser-30105.jpg

 

[collinsmark]

 

[Enigman]

http://www.ringtail.com/images/people/Peter%20Cushing%20vs%20Chuck%20Norris.jpg

 

[jtbell]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

 

[drizzle]

 

[dkotschessaa]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Ok I'll try one
Attention Deficit Disorder - Hark, how the bells..hey those are cool.. where are those from? My friend had those. He's 17. He doesn't drive. Maybe next year. I have a car. It doesn't run...

 

[gravenewworld]

https://scontent-b-iad.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/1474378_707691715930944_609271192_n.jpg

 

[texasH53D]

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

• Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
• Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
• Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
• Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
• Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
• Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming to Get Me
• Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
• Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
• Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells... Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

Hahaha I lost it at the Paranoid one ! :D

 

[lendav_rott]

That is so good, OCD and Paranoid made my day :D

 

[texasH53D]

More sad news from the music industry... Justin Beiber was found alive in his apartment today.

 

[OmCheeto]

https://scontent-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/1506457_580033795399662_62815487_n.jpg​

 

[AlephZero]

I'm impressed by the antimagnetic properties of that tarpaulin

 

[I like Serena]

I'm impressed by the antimagnetic properties of that tarpaulin

It's one of the cartoon laws: a force does not exist until the victim is aware of it - then it acts instantaneous with infinite acceleration.

 

[lendav_rott]

More sad news from the music industry... Justin Beiber was found alive in his apartment today.

Too old, but never gets old, I laugh out loud to the extreme every time I see this one :D

Here's another lame one :D Too funny, though
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X403uwWbyzo

 

[Borg]

Too old, but never gets old, I laugh out loud to the extreme every time I see this one :D

Here's another lame one :D Too funny, though


how the hell can I use the YT tag in the toolbar correctly?

Just include the part after the v=. For your video, put X403uwWbyzo between the YOUTUBE brackets. If there is an & after v=, don't include it or anything past that.

 

[lendav_rott]

an old one, but funny :D

+15 C This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here. People in Spain wear winter-coats and gloves. The Finns are out in the sun, getting
a tan.

+10 C The French are trying in vain to start their central heating. The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5 C Italian cars won't start, The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0 C Distilled water freezes. The water in Vantaa river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5 C People in California almost freeze to death. The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10 C The Brits start the heat in their houses. The Finns start using long sleeves

-20 C The Aussies flee from Mallorca. The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30 C People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth. The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40 C Paris starts cracking in the cold. The Finns stand in line at the hotdog stands.

-50 C Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole. The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60 C Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes. The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70 C The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183 C Microbes in food don't survive. The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273 C ALL atom-based movent halts. The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today.

-300 C Hell freezes over, Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.