Collection of Lame Jokes

[Nick O]

Patient: "Doctor, Doctor! I think I have subjunctivitis!"

Doctor: "Surely you mean conjunctivitis."

Patient: "Would that it were, Doctor, would that it were!"

 

[OmCheeto]

 

[lendav_rott]

Stories of how fights start

"Darling, I'd like you get me something that goes from naught to 150 in 3 seconds"
- He got her a bathroom scale

..and the fight started

--

"Darling, did you get any dishwashing detergent while you were shopping?"
- No, I got a bottle of Scotch instead.
"What, are you going to wash up with that?"
- No, once I've finished drinking it, I won't care about the washing up.

..and the fight started

--

A couple was watching "Who wants to be a millionaire?" on TV in the bedroom. The man then asked:
- Would you like to have sex now?
She said no
- Is this your final answer?
"Yes, it is"
- In that case I'd like to phone a friend.

..and the fight started

--

I woke up very early on a Saturday morning, dressed up quietly, packed myself a lunch and snuck into the garage. Hooked up the fishing gear and tried to back up into a hurricane-like storm. I drove back in the garage and turned on the radio. It turned out this horrible weather was going to continue for days. I went back into the house, took my clothes off and slid gently next to my loving wife and said:
- The weather is terrible outside.
"Can you believe it? My idiot of a husband is out fishing during a storm!"

..and the fight started

--

When I got home last night, my wife told me to take her somewhere expensive.
I took her to a petrol station

..and the fight started

--

I was flicking through the channels on TV and my wife entered the room and asked me:
"What's on TV today?
- Dust.

..and the fight started

--

I was in a restaurant with my wife and then a waiter showed up. I ordered a steak, medium rare to which the waiter responded: Aren't you worried about the Mad Cow?
- I believe she can order for herself.

..and the fight started

 

[drizzle]

Too old, but never gets old, I laugh out loud to the extreme every time I see this one :D

Here's another lame one :D Too funny, though
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X403uwWbyzo

Lololol

 

[Bandersnatch]

There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who can extrapolate to higher bases.

 

[Ibix]

:D

There's a variant on that earlier in this thread:

Did you know there are only 10 types of people in the world? Those who understand binary and those who don't.

Did you know there are only 10 types of people in the world? Those who understand ternary, those who don't, and those who thought this was a joke about binary.

Someone then added that he thought he saw an inductive proof that there are aleph-null jokes of this form, so life would never be dull...

 

[M Grandin]

The disabled professor

The students found their professor lying lame on the floor and called the ambulance.
When ambulance arrived the professor suddenly stood up agile and said "I was kidding, just a lame joke!"

 

[Ibix]

How did the mustard seed dump her boyfriend?

She sent him a Dijon letter.

 

[jtbell]

A new German deli just opened in town. You never sausage a variety of wurst!

 

[Mandelbroth]

Try using your left hand for the right hand rule. Just don't do it to your teacher.

 

[Enigman]

 

[Ibix]

Octopuses go to heaven - they are free of fin. Unless they are trapped in an artificial pool, in which case they are dammed.

 

[Borek]

Curiosity killed the cat:

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/aWZnYrA_460s_v1.jpg

 

[DennisN]

Curiosity killed the cat:

http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/aWZnYrA_460s_v1.jpg

 

[Enigman]

 

[Ibix]

A photon walks up to an airline check-in desk. The agent asks if it has any luggage to check in. "No," answers the photon. "I'm traveling light."

 

[Psinter]

 

[jtbell]

 

[adjacent]

 

[jtbell]

Did you hear about the orchestra that was denied permission to march in the St. Patrick's Day parade? The parade's organizers didn't want to incite violins in the streets.

 

[alpha3031]

Warning: If someone sends you a link to the new Miley Cyrus video, don't click on it.

It's a link to the new Miley Cyrus video.

The first rule of the tautology club is the first rule of the tautology club
(quote from xkcd)

 

[Hornbein]

A Joke

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Godel, and Eddie Murphy walk into a bar. Werner says, "This seems to be real, but it could be a joke. How can we know our true state?" Kurt says, "If it is funny then it is a joke. But from within this system we cannot determine whether or not it is funny." Eddie says, "Of course its funny, you're just telling it wrong."

 

[Gerdo23]

Cool topic!

 

[lendav_rott]

Cool topic!

as it's a science topic, when you say "cool" it kind of misleads folks :)
http://www.upload.ee/image/3949893/freezing.jpg

 

[jtbell]

How to Choose a Musical Instrument (warning: large image)

 

[texasH53D]

The bartender says, "We don't serve tachyons here". A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[lisab]

How to Choose a Musical Instrument (warning: large image)

That's cool .

There are some interesting paths there!

 

[adjacent]

How to Choose a Musical Instrument (warning: large image)

I got Piano . Yay

 

[squalenepo]

Why do Sadhu's have more resistance?

Becoze they always chant "OM's".

 

[adjacent]

 

[Psinter]

Love triangles: The only triangles Pythagoras didn't have a solution for. (Or did he?)

 

[Borek]

Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.

 

[drizzle]

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's cute. I just find it strange how many people have knives on a date.

-RudeComedian

 

[jtbell]

Quick... what's this?

Spoiler

A worm crawling across a razor blade.

 

[Borek]