Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Icebreaker]

A famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the conference.

Note
Joke expiration date: May, 1995

 

[Reshma]

I wonder if anyone has posted this before. Anyway here it is:

Drivers Don't Drink and Drive,
Mathematicians Don't Drink and Derive.

 

[jrlogan]

The most important piece of advice [for aspiring physicists] is to keep your sense of wonderment alive - Dr. Michio Kaku

There must be no barriers for freedom of inquiry. There is no place for dogma in science. The scientist is free, and must be free to ask any question, to doubt any assertion, to seek for any evidence, to correct any errors - J. Robert Oppenheimer

My great wondermeant is this: Can you prove that you are not just a figment of my imagination,an object in my dream, or that I am not just an object in your dream, or are we both just an object in someone else's dream?

"I am you as you are he as you are me and we are all together"----john lennon

 

[Icebreaker]

"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear -- I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

 

[Icebreaker]

A graduate student of mathematics who used to come to the University on foot every day arrives one day on a fancy new bicycle.
"Where did you get the bike from?" his friends asked.
"It's a 'thank you' present", he explains, "from that freshman girl I've been tutoring. Yesterday she called me and told that she had passed her math final and wanted to drop by to thank me in person. She arrived at my place on her bicycle. When I had let her in, she took all her clothes off, smiled at me, and said: 'you can get from me whatever you desire!'"
One of his friends remarks: "You made a really smart choice when you took the bicycle."
"Yeah", another friend adds, "just imagine how silly you would have looked in a girl's clothes - and they wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

 

[Icebreaker]

Q: What is the difference between a Ph.D. in mathematics and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My great wondermeant is this: Can you prove that you are not just a figment of my imagination,an object in my dream, or that I am not just an object in your dream, or are we both just an object in someone else's dream?

For a philosophical proof see Descarte's meditations.

For quantitative proof, see the IRS.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A friend of mine commented today that he doesn't buy into the Big Bang Theory, Dark Matter, or Dark Energy. In fact, he said, "astrologers and cosmetologists are all nuts!"

 

[mapper]

What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?





Pumpkin Pi!
Gay, i know. Crawls back in dark hole beside the interweb.

 

[hypatia]

ahhhhahahaha@cosmetologists

even the pumpkin pi made me smile

 

[hypatia]

Some comments from a 4th grade essays..

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

 

[Danger]

A friend of mine commented today that he doesn't buy into the Big Bang Theory, Dark Matter, or Dark Energy. In fact, he said, "astrologers and cosmetologists are all nuts!"

Well, in this case 2 wrongs do make him right.

 

[da615]

Here's a geek joke I made up:

Q: How does the second law of thermo apply to sausages?
A: You can put the pig into the machine and get sausages, but you can't put sausages into the machine and get the pig back.

 

[The Rev]

What's the square root of 69?

8-something.



The Rev

 

[Danger]

Here's one of my favourites from that ©1901 book of my dad's.

Willie found some dynamite;
Couldn't understand it, quite.
Curiosity never pays;
It rained Willie seven days.

 

[DaveC426913]

Willie went to drink some water

Poor lad he is no more

For what he thought was $$H_2O$$

Was $$H_2SO_4$$!

 

[da615]

A scientific pome

Quasars burn bright,
Hot stars shine blue
Spacetime is warped
And so are you

 

[da615]

Another of my original geek jokes:

Q1: What is the difference between Physics and Engineering?
A: Engineering is Physics in the limit of zero proofs.

Q2: What is the difference between Physics and Applied Math?
A: Applied Math is Physics in the limit of zero approximations.

 

[Danger]

Quasars burn bright,
Hot stars shine blue
Spacetime is warped
And so are you

I want that on my tombstone.

 

[brewnog]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.

 

[Danger]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.

If that's a genuine quote, it's downright frightening.

Here's another one from Omni:

A young sports car driver named Breen
Had the fastest machine on the scene.
He drove fast as light,
And with no cops in sight,
He'd blue-shift the red lights to green.

What's the rule on copyrighted stuff here? Just acknowledge source?

 

[matthyaouw]

"The fusion plasma requires a temperature of 500 million degrees, but I forget whether that's Centigrade or Absolute"

- Overheard by Arthur Snell, Oak Ridge.

I'm going to risk sounding like a fool and say I don't get it...

 

[Danger]

I'm going to risk sounding like a fool and say I don't get it...

The difference between Centigrade (Celsius) and Absolute is 273°. That's sort of like saying that something weight 500,000,000 tons, but you don't know if it's imperial or metric tons. At that scale, it just doesn't matter.

 

[Evo]

What's the rule on copyrighted stuff here? Just acknowledge source?

With jokers, that's fine, if you know it. Most of the jokes are plastered all over the internet with no way to know the original source.

 

[cronxeh]

he should have said Kelvin instead of absolute.. I had to look up what the heck absolute really is even though I had a hunch that it could be Kelvin

 

[matthyaouw]

Aah, Kelvin. Right, I get it now.
Thanks.

 

[physicsuser]

Here's a geek joke I made up:

Q: How does the second law of thermo apply to sausages?
A: You can put the pig into the machine and get sausages, but you can't put sausages into the machine and get the pig back.

"There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory.

Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!"

He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages.

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?"

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."
"

 

[Reshma]

Here is a Patient-Doctor joke:

Patient: Doctor, yesterday I had decided, I'm going to kill myself by taking an overdose of painkillers.
Doctor(astonished): What happened then?!
Patient: Well, I took three pills and I feel better already!

 

[Danger]

I'm going to categorize 'linguistics' as a science so I can sneak this in. It's also from that 1901 book.

There was a young fellow named Hall
Who fell in a spring, in the fall.
T'would have been a sad thing
Had he drowned in the spring.
But he didn't; he died in the fall.

It's not really all that funny, but I love the ambiguity of the words.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

After minimizing the mass, how do you make a portable electric heater more efficient?

 

[Danger]

After minimizing the mass, how do you make a portable electric heater more efficient?

I assume, you old bugger, that at some point you're going to provide the answer. After the amount of time I devoted to this when I should have been paying attention to my job, there'd better be one.

 

[Huckleberry]

Someone asks an engineer "Is the glass half empty or half full?"
The engineer replies "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

I heard that somewhere. Is that funny?
Huck

 

[Danger]

So a woman on her way home from a first date told the guy that she's a witch.
"Sure..." he replied dismissively.
"I really am," she insisted. "I can turn you into anything I want to."
He shook his head and said, "No you can't. I don't believe that crap."
So she leaned over and spoke a few words softly to him and sure enough... he turned into a motel.

 

[brewnog]

So a woman on her way home from a first date told the guy that she's a witch.

A scientist witch, right?

 

[Danger]

A scientist witch, right?

Naw, but I figured I could get away with it because there's the fall-back 'debunking' forum that covers this kind of stuff. (I am a master of loop-holes, remember.)