Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[in-a-box]

[PLAIN]http://scienceblogs.com/sciencepunk/ferrous_wheel.jpg

 

[Borek]

The perfect contraceptive:

NO in all positions.

 

[IsaacKnewton]

http://img263.imageshack.us/img263/2048/physicsfail1.png

Bigger Joke:

"Everything made itself out of nothing. No, really!"

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Not really a science joke but a logic joke.

Sign on an esculator:- "Dogs must be carried".

Smeone with IQ 140+ thinks "What if you haven't got a dog"?

Sign in a library: Children under 12 are not permitted to read any of the materials in this library.

 

[jobyts]

Ohm's law explained...

 

[Femme_physics]

What's a transistite?

A transistor that can't tell whether it's NPN or PNP

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Complementarity (with thanks to Loren Booda)

Displacement: I must say, Momentum, you are looking particularly fine today.
Momentum: No, my hair is a mess, but you, Displacement, you look marvelous.
Energy: I can't say that I'm impressed with the way you look Momentum, but Time is easy on the eyes.
Time: Oh, Energy, you always say the nicest things.

 

[NafeesR]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page

Trolololo

 

[mathwonk]

i like that one.

 

[thirdstringki]

Happy Funtime Wormhole...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUSH-kK8g-U

 

[Evo]

Happy Funtime Wormhole...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUSH-kK8g-U

Good one..LOL.

 

[lighting]

Is Isaac Newton lucky in his career?
Yes, he didn't sit under the durian tree.

 

[phylotree]

Is Isaac Newton lucky is in career?
Yes, he didn't sit under the durian tree.

 

[Infinitum]

The history of physics.

Newton: Even though you can tell if you are speeding up, you can't tell how fast you are going.
Maxwell: Yes you can.
Einstein: No you can't. You can't even tell if you are speeding up.
Heisenberg: Either you don't know where you are or you don't know where you're going.

Physics in a nutshell: The more you know about physics, the less you know about the world you live in.

Snagged this from here

 

[CornMuffin]

A mathematician was asked by his colleague: Do you believe in one God?
-Yes, up to isomorphism!What is a compact city?
-It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen.

and here's a math poem I found, written by Jon Saxton (an author of maths textbooks):

$$\frac{12 + 144 + 20 + 3 \sqrt{4}}{7} + (5)(11) = 9^2 + 0$$

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

A Higgs boson walks into a church. The priest says 'We don't allow Higgs bosons in here. You call yourself the G-d particle and that's sacrilegious". The Higgs boson replies "But if you don't allow Higgs bosons, how can you have mass?"

 

[AustinJones]

Who says physics can't be funny?

please share any pictures, stories, jokes, etc.

http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/funny-pictures-history-sexaully-suggestive-einstein.jpg

 

[AustinJones]

 

[AustinJones]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=

 

[DaveC426913]

http://chzhistoriclols.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/funny-pictures-history-sexaully-suggestive-einstein.jpg

Oy. How to flub a joke.

Jokes for geeks should only be made by properly-qualified geeks.

 

[dustytretch]

Einstein had a theory about space, and it was about time too.

 

[MojoMcGunner]

Entropy. It's not what is used to be.

 

[Jim Kata]

 

[drom9090]

Police: Guy says he lost his keys in the dark alley.

Sheriff: But he's out here looking for them under the streetlight? Is he drunk?

Police: Nope. Empirical Physicist.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

My wife recently suggested a new, universal unit of measure - the Whatever, abbreviated WE? It can be applied to both SI and non-SI units, and for everything from distance, to force, to charge.

It is the system that she uses whenever she gives me a task to perform.

 

[Borek]

Makes me think about military spacetime - from 3 a.m. to the fence.

 

[micromass]

A guide to math textbook titles

I decided to create the following simple guide to math textbook
titles. Who knows, it might be useful to any undergrads out there :)
Anyone who wants to add to the list or change it, feel free :)1. (TOPIC) for Scientists and Engineers
What Mom would think: Wow! This must be super-difficult!
True translation: The definitions are pure hand-waving.
There are no proofs. Some theorems are actually
false in degenerate cases. Light reading.

2. (TOPIC)
What Mom would think: Tough call, but a good chance
this book is medium-hard in difficulty.
True translation: Tough call, but a good chance this
book is medium-easy in difficulty.

3. Topics in (TOPIC)
What Mom would think: Medium-easy. Armchair reading.
True translation: Difficult. Probably graduate level.
Probably has dozens of open problems mixed in the
exersizes.

4. Introduction to (TOPIC)
What Mom would think: Introductory. Meant for freshmen,
or maybe advanced high school seniors. Boringly easy.
True translation: Tough call, but a good chance this
book is hair-pullingly, agonizingly difficult. A
good rule of thumb: if the "preliminaries" section
goes from naive set theory to functional analysis in
one page, you may be in over your head.

5. Lecture notes in (TOPIC)
What Mom would think: Cursory and simple. No proofs.
Some definitions hand-wavey. Very easy. Good last
minute review before the big exam.
True translation: If you can decrypt this arcane tome,
we'll give you an honorary Ph.D. Slight risk half
the book is in Russian or Hungarian. Not that you'd
probably notice the difference!

Some special cases:

"Advanced Calculus" - a wildcard. Can denote just about anything. I
once bought a book called "Advanced Calculus" and it turned out to be
an Afghani cookbook. Back in undergrad days we used to gamble with
these: place bets on what it's about. I won $20 once this way.

"Modern Algebra" - a highly polarized wildcard. There is a 50/50
chance it's a 7th grade book that'll teach you how to solve "4x+7=2"
and a 50/50 chance it'll reach Lie algebras in the first 15 pages.

"(TOPIC) for the Working Mathematician" - contrary to the title, this
book is not meant for anyone but a math hermit who is prepared to
devote the next 20 years to reading it.

"Chaos Theory" - this book will be very rigorous up to about Lyapunov
exponents. Then the last 4 chapters will be a prolonged whine about
how nobody can agree on a good definition of chaos and even if they
could it's all beyond the scope of this text... ooohh look, pretty
fractals! Much hand-wavey allusion to weather systems without any firm
details. A good read if your sole purpose is to impress laymen.

"Conference Proceedings" - if the equations are handwritten, forget any hope
of understanding. Often found at 2nd hand book shops. A particular favourite
of mine is 'Volume VIIa, Lorentz Group' (so what about the first six
volumes?), Lectures in Theoretical Physics, Univ. Colarado, 1964. I reckon
Einstein walked out of this conference cos it got too much. Mom would tell
all her neighbours. Great on the shelf, until someone in the know actually
quizzes you about it.

"Topological Algebras" - forget it. Throw up a toy set of mathematical
symbols, re-arrange into a line. You will probably understand the resulting
equation more than anything in said topic book.

"A first course in..."

"Elementary .."

"For the laymen .." Simple unless it is written by Penrose - his laymen are
all well-respected Physics lecturers

Undergraduate Series in Mathematics: (TOPIC)

What Mom would think: Oh how nice! A pretty little yellow textbook
with homework problems for one of your classes.

True Translation: Might as well leave out the "Under", most of them
are as difficult as the "Graduate Series in Mathematics" texts and the
odds of one of these books actually being used in your average
undergraduate program are about the same as the odds of your mom
understanding even the first page.

Source: http://jcdverha.home.xs4all.nl/scijokes/1.html

 

[adilsyyed]

He's also not very good at arithmetic - half of pie is approximately 4.27.

(Better for him to use bad arithmetic as an excuse than risk the wrath of MathIsHard)

This post I am quoting is very old, but I wanted to know the logic in your answer. How is half pf pie equal to 4.27 approx.?

 

[dkotschessaa]

Q: What did the undergraduate mathematician live on most of the semester?

Spoiler

A: f(z) = ln(z) -- Riemann Noodles!

 

[AlephZero]

My wife recently suggested a new, universal unit of measure - the Whatever

Somebody got there before you. See https://www.tug.org/docs/metapost/mpman.pdf. bottom of page 12 and page 13.

It has the nice properties that (1) every time you use it, it refers to a new value, (2) there is no way to find out what its value actually is, but (3) in spite of (1) and (2) it's actually useful.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Today I heard a radio news report about a local basketball team. The announcer stumbled a bit and said, "the men's, uh, basketball team". But he was talking so fast that what I heard was "the Mensa basketball team". I immediately thought that they must not win many games... but I'll bet they do a great post-game analysis of their losses.

 

[AlephZero]

If the Mensa basketball team score less than 147 points, do they have to resign?

 

[Borek]

If the Mensa basketball team score less than 147 points, do they have to resign?

147 sounds more like a snooker result.

 

[Lisa!]

it's quite funny ^_^

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What's that? I can't read it

 

[mfb]

With some fixes:

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Looks like "Friend"