Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Ivan Seeking]

I assume, you old bugger, that at some point you're going to provide the answer. After the amount of time I devoted to this when I should have been paying attention to my job, there'd better be one.

Why would you want to make it [a portable electric heater] more efficient; to prevent excessive heat production?

 

[Danger]

Why would you want to make it [a portable electric heater] more efficient; to prevent excessive heat production?

My apologies, my master. I thought that this was a joke. If you want to get into electrohydrodynamics, that's another kettle o' fish (oh, another one for Gale.)

 

[The Rev]

Werner Heisenberg was speeding down the highway when he got pulled over by a state trooper. The cop then asked him, "Mister, do you know how fast you were going?" "No," Heisenberg responded, "But I know exactly where I was."



The Rev

 

[owl3951]

And a statistician...

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and let's the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves.

would verify that the room's average combustibility was non-dangerous.

 

[owl3951]

Terry Pratchett's Perspective

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?

Who's been drinking my beer? Wait! Is this supposed to be MY glass? My glass was much bigger! And it was full!

 

[owl3951]

Made Up For You, Vegetarian

I made this one up today while having lunch( I am vegetarian)

Q:Why did Dracula go to the circus?




A:Because,he wanted to get to the juggler!(jugular)?

Vegetarian vampires go for the oat.

 

[brewnog]

How does a mathematician deal with constipation?



He works it out with a pencil.

 

[Danger]

He works it out with a pencil.

Arrrrrgggghhhhh...

It's like the cartoon of the nurse who realizes that she's trying to write with a thermometer, and says, "some ***hole's got my pen!"

 

[Danger]

Someone asks an engineer "Is the glass half empty or half full?"
The engineer replies "The glass is twice as big as it needs to be."

I heard that somewhere. Is that funny?
Huck

Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.

 

[Danger]

Vegetarian vampires go for the oat.

Okay... this one pretty much sucks, so I can't put it anywhere else, and you did resurrect the subject...




http://img14.echo.cx/img14/4897/pf4uv.th.jpg

 

[owl3951]

Matrix, Misquoted

 

[owl3951]

Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.

It is acceptable grammar to have an implied "With respect to the liquid...".

 

[owl3951]

Here's a pic...

...of a prior joke.

 

[owl3951]

Miscellaneous

 

[cronxeh]

Yes it is, but it also brings up a sore point with me. Particularly after 20 years of bartending, I think that it's the stupidest question ever contemplated by a supposedly sentient race.
Optimist—half full
Pessimist—half empty
I'm a realist—the damned thing is full. It's half full of beer, and half full of air. You can't even change that by altering the environmental pressure, because the contents of the glass will always expand to fill it.

brilliant

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Two addition jokes.

Museum tour guide: "This fossil is two hundred million years old".
Visitor: "Two hundred million and six years old".
Tour guide: "How can you know that with such precision?".
Visitor: "I was here six years ago and at that time the guide told me it was two hundred million years old."

---------------------

A: I'm two billion years old.
B: How do you figure?
A: When I was a youngster in school, geologists said that the Earth was two and a half billion years old. Now they say it's four and a half billion years old.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

The current related thread reminded me of this: I once told a friend how I think that the burning of the Library at Alexandria is one of the greatest tragedies in history. Some scholars suggest that the knowledge lost may have been of staggering proportions, and to imagine the cost to humanity almost makes me sick. He responded, "I thought you would have gotten over it by now!"

 

[matthyaouw]

My brother made some terrible math jokes the other day. We were in a pub having a meal. I ordered a steak and ale pie, and My bro's girlfriend Claire wasn't too hungry, so ordered half of one. My brother looks at me and says "Is that a whole pie you have there?" I said it was. He says "oh, Claire only has 1.571"
It got worse.
When we were part way through eating, Claire had cut her pie into more or less a square shape. Tom says "Look matt, Pie are squared!" (pi R^2)

Terrible :P

 

[BobG]

My brother made some terrible math jokes the other day. We were in a pub having a meal. I ordered a steak and ale pie, and My bro's girlfriend Claire wasn't too hungry, so ordered half of one. My brother looks at me and says "Is that a whole pie you have there?" I said it was. He says "oh, Claire only has 1.571"
It got worse.
When we were part way through eating, Claire had cut her pie into more or less a square shape. Tom says "Look matt, Pie are squared!" (pi R^2)

Terrible :P

He's also not very good at arithmetic - half of pie is approximately 4.27.

(Better for him to use bad arithmetic as an excuse than risk the wrath of MathIsHard)

 

[Danger]

This was e-mailed to my boss at the last place that I worked, so I can't credit the creator of it (nor take the blame for the grammar).

A married couple was in a terrible accident, where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before. All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

 

[Huckleberry]

HAHA!

 

[Icebreaker]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns and says to the other, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

Generalization:

Two identical inanimate objects are where you would expect them to be. One turns to the other and points out an inherant property of their location. The other one expresses its own shock at seeing an inanimate object much like itself speaking.

 

[StarGazer92]

Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One muffin turns and says to the other, "Phew, it's hot in here!" The other muffin replies, "Holy ****, a talking muffin!"

Generalization:

Two identical inanimate objects are where you would expect them to be. One turns to the other and points out an inherant property of their location. The other one expresses its own shock at seeing an inanimate object much like itself speaking.

I love science jokes more than any other joke...except the one about...no, I'll save that one for later!

 

[tomkeus]

On some university a large party has been thrown by mathematicians and physicists. One group of physicists is trying to outsmart some mathematician, so they gave him following problem:
"You have two bikers with distance between them of D kilometers. Simultaneosly they start moving towards each other with same speed of V kilometers per hour. In the same moment bikers began moving a fly has started to fly from one of the bikers to other one with speed of U kilometers per hour. In the instant moment fly reaches other biker it turnes back and returns to the first biker and then back to other one and so on... The question is what is the distance fly has traveled until the moment bikers met each other."
After less then a second mathematican spits out correct answer: "$$\frac{UD}{2V}$$."
The physicists are disappointed and ask him if he already knew the catch.
The mathematician answered: "What catch? I've summed the series."

I'm sorry for grammatical and spelling errors. English is not my native.

 

[zanazzi78]

Q: What's the difference between Max Factor and Quantum Theorist?
A: Max Factor has models that work.

 

[bomba923]

The lamest of them all:

*Homer Simpson takes over Aquafina:

--"Shockingly refreshing, all natural deuterium hydroxide. The new drink for the new century."

 

[Gokul43201]

This one may have been through here before. Nevertheless...


The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university. The element, tentatively named administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, which gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occurred in less than a second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities. It can usually be found in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

 

[Yaaks]

Science Of the Supernatural:
Read till the End. This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock movie... it's real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down and he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming towards him. It slows and then stops next to him and without thinking the guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the wheel! Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car >makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears everytime they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the lights.It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is open, and asks for a drink. They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through. A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really frightened and he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."

 

[QE]

"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye !" — Sign found at MIT's Junior Lab.

"seti@home was fun. seti@work got me fired..."

"During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil."

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun."

"Wave if you've met Schrodinger."

"Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives."

"A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard."

"You aren't a real engineer until you make one $50000 mistake."

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Rotate phone 90 degrees and try again."

"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."

"An engineer makes a $500 item with $50 worth of parts. A designer then adds $450 worth of crap."

"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 apostles."

 

[yourdadonapogostick]

 

[BigBang]

A supervisor visited an 8th grade class...he wrote the word electricity on the board and asked a student to define it.
Student:electrikity is the flow of electrons in a circuit.
Supervisor:it's not''electrikity'' it's electricity
Student:that's what I'm saying sir,my dad taught that to me
electrikity
The supervisor got enough of this and told the student to fetch his father.
the student brought his father to the school and the supervisor told the student's father that the boy doesn't pronounce electricity correctly
Father:well,sir, he is a small boy and the capakity of his mind is less...don't you worry sir,when he grows up it'll be O.K.
The supervisor was very much shocked to hear the father say capakityinstead of capacity.He asked the student if there was anyone else at his home and the boy brightly replied that his grand pa is there.The supervisor told the boy to fetch his grandpa.
When the boy's grandpa came to the school the supervisor told him about the both saying electrikity rather than electricity and his father saying capakity rather than capacity
Then the boys grandpa chuckled and replied:Well, i don't blame them ...everyone might have noticed that but why are you making such a big publikity of it?

 

[LENIN]

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

 

[Ivan Seeking]

True story:

Morning news: Tylenol and other pain relievers may cause hypertension in women.

Evening news: The morning news caused many women to become alarmed!

This goes back to my hypothesis that the latest news on health studies is bad for your health.

 

[AntonioChrist]

Retort

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

Yeah pretty bad joke, do you tell the girls your chatting up at the bar that one...im sure there's a few scratching heads when you do. I thought the banta between you and the med student was funny, do you think they were genuinely offended or just thought that they were funny being so?

 

[AntonioChrist]

Retort

1.A historyan and a biologist are walking in the park and the historyan seas to the biologist: "What do you tink this houndret year old mapel trees would say if they could talk?" And the biologist answers: "They'd say :"We are oak's."."

2. A proffesor is giving a lectoure on thruth in science, when he notices that a student in the back raw is sleeping. So he asks him: "Could you pleas tell me what thruth is." The student doesent want ta admit that he was sleeping so he answers: "I'm sorry a knew the answer but I can't remeber it rght now." When the proffesor hears this he turns to the reast of the students and seas: "This is one of the seadest things that ever hapend to mankind, the only person who ever knew the answer forgot it."

3. 2 students are taking there final oral exams at a USSR university. The firs one enters the room and is asked a few questions that he answers corectly. But then just before he leavs the proffesor for marxism ask him what the time is. He looks down on his arm and seas it's 7 am. The proffesor for marxism the seas: "Sorry you feiled your excam the corect answer is: "Thanks to Marx,Stalin and Lenin the time is 7 AM.". The student goes out of the room and tells his friend about the catch. The other student goes in and answers all the regula question corectlly. But as he is about to leav he is also asked what time it is by the proffesor for marxisem. So he quicley seas: "Thanks to Marx, Stalin and Lenin" then looks down on his arm and adds: "I don't have a watch."

The first two were funny, last one was a bit crap though, also, don't know whether its diliberate or not but your spelling and grammer is atroshous. Sort it out dude there's even a spell check, thanks to...the dictionary!LOL!