Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[cristo]

Is your name Avogadro because I need to know your number

Wow.. that's terrible. I hope for your sake that you never try and use that!

 

[Gib Z]

MUST BE OVER 18 YEARS OLD TO READ FURTHER:(Ignore how old I am...)

The GibZ Conjecture

Let (a,b) represent the co-ordinates of my pants, and (x,y) the co-ordinates of Jessica Alba.

$$\lim_{a\to x, b\to y} \sqrt{(x-a)^2 + (y-b)^2} = HAPPY PERSON$$

 

[Four]

On online chat: "I alway's use 100% recycled electrons"

Some where?: "anything new and exciting happen"
"When I moved I excited a few electrons ;)"

 

[Gib Z]

O My we are nerds...=)

 

[Ki Man]

One day Heisenburg desides to go out for a drive, when soon afterwards he is pulled over by a policeman.

Policeman: Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Heisenburg: No, but I do know where I am.

 

[BobG]

At what point in orbit does Uranus have it's maximum radial velocity?

















At the semi latus rectum.

 

[Ki Man]

Wow.. that's terrible. I hope for your sake that you never try and use that!

dangit... that was supposed to be my one-liner for hitting on undergrad physics majors...

 

[Gale]

We should start a new thread on Physics/Math Pick-up lines...

I want to test your limit and see if we converge.

 

[Four]

I see you are reflecting photons towards me

You have the most interesting number; mind telling me.

I like your pick up line Gale

 

[Gale]

Here are some other math pickup lines that have actually been used on me... .


Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you...

So, can i lie tangent to your curves?
I think i'd rather bisect your angles.


Can I explore your mean value?
If so I'll take you to the limit as x approaches infinity.

 

[Smurf]

What kind of nerdy-ass guys do you get hitting on you?

If your going to geek-out at least make it awesome, like "I wish I was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk. "
or
"int[2x,x,10,13]? "

kind of hard to pronounce that last one. online pickups only.ok, well this isn't a math pick up line per se..your mama's so fat she has a proper subgroup isomorphic to herself

 

[Smurf]

a math romance
They integrated from the very point of origin. Her curves were continuous, and even though he was odd, he was a real number. The day their lines first intersected, they became an ordered pair. From then on it was a continuous function. They were both in their prime, so in next to no time they were horizontal and parallel. She was awed by the magnitude of his perpendicular line, and he was amazed by her conical projections. "Bisect my angle!" she postulated each time she reached her local maximum. He taught her the chain rule as she implicitly defined the amplitude of his simple harmonic motion. They underwent multiple rotations of their axes, until at last they reached the vertex, the critical point, their finite limit. After that they slept like logs. Later she found him taking a right-handed limit, that was a problem, because it was an improper form. He meanwhile had realized that she was irrational, not to mention square. She approached her ex, so they diverged.

i don't even understand most of the terms used in that one. but I like puns.

 

[Gale]

hahahaha, that last one is pretty amusing. I've had the math problem line used one me... but it could be used for any subject, so not my cuppa tea.

And obviously, the kind of nerdy-ass guys that hit on me are suave, sophisticated types with great lines that are sure to get them into a lady's pants... duh.

 

[mbrmbrg]

question = 0xFF;        // optimized Hamlet

From http://phd.pp.ru/Texts/fun/signatures.txt" . There are some real good ones there.

another one I liked from that page (thanks for linking it!):
There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those who understand binary
mathematics and those who don't.

 

[mbrmbrg]

e^x and a constant are walking down the street when they see a differential operator coming towards them. "Oh no!" yells the constant. "I need to run away before it catches me and reduces me to 0!" But e^x just laughs and calls out, "Do your worst! I'm e^x." The differential operator smiles and says, "That's nice. I'm dx/dy."

 

[Nick666]

A guy joined the Physics and Math help forum, trying to get some help concerning some scientific questions.

 

[humanino]

A guy joined the Physics and Math help forum, trying to get some help concerning some scientific questions.

Very good one indeed

 

[sas3]

Three Indian women are sitting side by side. The first, sitting on a goatskin, has a son who weighs 170 pounds. The second, sitting on a deerskin, has a son who weighs 130 pounds. The third, seated on a hippopotamus hide, weighs 300 pounds. What famous theorem does this illustrate?

Naturally, the answer is that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

Sorry! I just had to post this one.

 

[qspeechc]

Two mathematician, Frank an Jeremy, walk into a bar. They see an attractive blond waitress. Frank says to Jeremy he reckons she's a dumb blonde. Jeremy doesn't believe in stereotypes and challenges him to a bet, to see whether she can get a relatively simple maths question right. After a few beers, Frank needs to re-cycle his drinks. While he's in the bathroom, Jeremy calls the waitress over. He explains the bet to her, and tells her he will ask her what the integral of x is. Then he tells her the answer she should give is a 1/2x^2. He makes her repeat this several times until he's sure she's got it. He then gives her a large tip and dismisses her. Frank returns shortly. Jeremy calls over the waitress and say "My friend here thinks your just a dumb blonde, but I disagree. We had little bet over the matter. If you correctly answer the bet, Frank here loses. Ok, what is the integral of x?" The waitress replies ''1/2x^2''. Jeremy gives Frank a smug look and Frank grudgingly hands over the money. The waitress takes a long, hard look at both of the mathematicians. She turns around, walks a few metres away, the stares at them, giving them a really dirty look. She then says "plus a constant".

I think the point of the joke was to get us to remember to add aconstant after integrating. It got a big laugh, but I'm not sure if it worked.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

My favorite dumb blond joke is by Dolly Parton concerning the stereotyped role she played on the Grand Ole Opry.

The dumb blond act didn't bother me because I know I'm not dumb," she said, "and I know I'm not blond, either.

 

[Gib Z]

qspeechc, I think the real point of the joke was to show that attractive blond waitresses will do whatever you want for an appropriate tip :P

 

[cristo]

qspeechc, I think the real point of the joke was to show that attractive blond waitresses will do whatever you want for an appropriate tip :P

I think you can removed "attractive and blonde" from this statement. Any waitress wants a tip and will do things like that to get one, especially american waitresses who appear to be paid in peanuts!

The point of the story is that blonde attractive girls are not necessarily stupid.

 

[Gib Z]

I think you can removed "attractive and blonde" from this statement. Any waitress wants a tip and will do things like that to get one, especially american waitresses who appear to be paid in peanuts!

The point of the story is that blonde attractive girls are not necessarily stupid.

My post was a joke =P I'm sure you get it, think about it more :)

 

[blackcat]

You've probably all heard this/might not think it's funny but I laughed:
Mathematician's wife: You don't love me anymore! All you care about is your work!
Mathematician: That's not true of course I love you!
Mathematician's wife: Then prove it!
Mathematician: Well first we assume the contrary - let L be the set of all loveable objects...

 

[N468989]

if bigger is better why go nano?

 

[Four]

if bigger is better why go nano?

To become invisible :)

 

[Uther]

State of the art physics

Let's not be shy. It's time to start a new scientific revolution .

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What is the difference between physics and biology?
A: In physics, vectors carry indices, while in biology vectors carry in disease.

 

[stizu]

Heisenberg was traveling down the autobahn in his souped up mercedes changing the radio and contemplating his navel when, all of a sudden, he sees the lights of a police car behind him. After getting over his disappointment over not being able to put in the new radio even though he had just removed the old one, he decided whether or not to pull over. Heisenberg was in a repentant mood that day, so he pulled over.

"Do you know how fast you were going?" Said the officer.

"No, but $$8 \frac{\mbox{heisenberg driving jokes}}{\mbox{thread}}$$"

 

[Ivan Seeking]

How can you tell if an engineer is an extravert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://www.2cm.co.uk/picture_files/188.jpg
http://images.google.com/imgres?img...es?q=cheese+grater+slide&gbv=2&svnum=10&hl=en

 

[Marghk]

Very funny..lol![/QUOTE]

Haha! Took me a couple of seconds to get the second one.

 

[lazypast]

How can you tell if an engineer is an extravert?

He looks at your shoes when he talks to you.

please eplain that, do engineers look at our own feet when we talk?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

please eplain that, do engineers look at our own feet when we talk?

People who are shy often do, and the joke plays to this stereotype for engineers.

 

[Wild Angel]

After that last one it is open season.

See if you can find one worse then this:

To celebrate Halloween, all the math teachers and professors got together for a big costume party. Each dressed up as their favorite math function. One particularly mean and eccentric math professor dressed up as the derivative. He ran up to the teacher dressed as cos(x) and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and scurried off looking for a -sin(x) costume. The prof ran up to another teacher who was dressed as 4x^5 and yelled "I derive you!" The teacher tore off his costume and went scurrying off, looking for a 20x^4 costume. The prof ran up to a 3rd teacher and screamed "I derive you!" The teacher just stood there with his arms crossed. "Didn't you hear me?! I DERIVE YOU!" he shouted. Again, the teacher stood there, but with a smug expression on his face. "I derive you! I derive you! I derive you!" the professor shouted while jumping up and down. The teacher looked at him and said "derive me all you want. I'm e^x."

I don't get the punch line