What do girls/women look for in men?

[turbo]

I feel compelled at this point to warn you if you're going after the goose-hunter/fisherman crowd, you may be getting back into a dowry-type deal in which boat, motor, fishing gear, and decoys assume great importance. These are very delicate negotiations...very delicate.

 

[Evo]

I feel compelled at this point to warn you if you're going after the goose-hunter/fisherman crowd, you may be getting back into a dowry-type deal in which boat, motor, fishing gear, and decoys assume great importance. These are very delicate negotiations...very delicate.

Help me turbo-1 kenobe, you're my only hope.

For some unknown reason the decoys reminded me of a halloween costume someone at work made. He dressed in blue, wrapped himself with rope and glued rubber chickens to the rope. He was "chicken cord on blue". (chicken cordon bleu) <snort>

 

[Astronuc]

Help me turbo-1 kenobe, you're my only hope.

Good one. You've still got your sense of humor.

For some unknown reason the decoys reminded me of a halloween costume someone at work made. He dressed in blue, wrapped himself with rope and glued rubber chickens to the rope. He was "chicken cord on blue". (chicken cordon bleu) <snort>

It's a hopeless situation.

Hopelessness is not an option.

Shy people just take a little longer.

 

[JasonRox]

Ok, I know this might be inapropriate, but I have a question.

What if your partner is great, but when it comes to the bedroom, they stink and will probably always stink?

Does that affect your relationship? It's important to others, so the idea of saying sex doesn't matter in a relationship is being plain naive. It all depends on what you want and what your partner wants.

Personally, if my partner was no good, that would be bad news. I find it important to have good "fun" in a relationship.

Note: If the girl isn't ready, that's fine. I have no problems with that. I'm willing to be patient in that regard. That wouldn't affect the relationship at all. But if you're going to get it, it has to be good right?

I'm probably missing a lot points there, but I'm just throwing this in the air.

 

[Evo]

Ok, I know this might be inapropriate, but I have a question.

What if your partner is great, but when it comes to the bedroom, they stink and will probably always stink?

Does that affect your relationship?

In a romantic relationship, bad sex is BAD.

Whether they can improve depends on what's wrong.

 

[Moonbear]

What if your partner is great, but when it comes to the bedroom, they stink and will probably always stink?

Does that affect your relationship? It's important to others, so the idea of saying sex doesn't matter in a relationship is being plain naive. It all depends on what you want and what your partner wants.

I have a hard time envisioning a scenario where it would be impossible to remediate the problem unless the couple had some fundamental difference in attitude about sex that did not get discussed sufficiently beforehand, such as how adventurous one is, or level of inhibition/hang-ups really are incompatible, and those types of differences often translate into other important differences in things like moral upbringing. Even "not ready yet" can be a problem if it's still happening long after the wedding day (and yes, I've known couples who divorced over this).

In those cases, I think it is a problem for the relationship in general, and suggests the couple is not comfortable with one another at some level. Otherwise, if the couple is really comfortable with each other and able to communicate completely, and trust each other, and compatible in personality and interests and enthusiasm, then differences in style that might lead the first time or so to be less than ecstatic should be able to be corrected as they learn to please one another. And the reason I think this is that I think a large percentage of the pleasurableness of sex is not the physical act, but the mental/emotional part of it. Going through the motions with no emotion or when in the wrong mental state is not usually pleasurable.

 

[JasonRox]

In those cases, I think it is a problem for the relationship in general, and suggests the couple is not comfortable with one another at some level. Otherwise, if the couple is really comfortable with each other and able to communicate completely, and trust each other, and compatible in personality and interests and enthusiasm, then differences in style that might lead the first time or so to be less than ecstatic should be able to be corrected as they learn to please one another. And the reason I think this is that I think a large percentage of the pleasurableness of sex is not the physical act, but the mental/emotional part of it. Going through the motions with no emotion or when in the wrong mental state is not usually pleasurable.

Exactly.

It's best to grow together in the relationship, which includes the bedroom.

Note: When I said, not ready yet. I meant more in a "I'm still a virgin." or her last boyfriend used her for it kind of way.

 

[Moonbear]

Note: When I said, not ready yet. I meant more in a "I'm still a virgin." or her last boyfriend used her for it kind of way.

I realize that's what you meant, but just wanted to elaborate that it can also signify a problem. In the case of my divorced friends, she was always waiting for marriage, and he respected that, until after they were married, and he discovered she was waiting for more than just marriage...she had a lot of hang-ups (and there were other issues too, like she really didn't want children...part of the source of her hang-ups...and he did). Obviously, they rushed into marriage, because these problems were not unforseen by their friends. She's a very inhibited person in general, and I don't know how he thought this was going to change since she's been like that since childhood...you can hardly get her to try a new food or get her to try an activity she's never done before, let alone think you're going to get her to relax about more intimate issues, and she screams in pain if she screws in a lightbulb to a socket that's still on so the bulb warms a bit before it's all the way in, so I don't know how he thought she'd be willing to consider the pain of childbirth...I'm almost surprised he even got her to go along with losing her virginity at all. So, anyway, the main point is that in a relationship, incompatibility in intercourse is often an indicator that one does not know their partner well enough.

 

[whitay]

Good luck on your first day on your first job today, Whitay! That's always an exciting day.

Thank you, Moonbear and Evo. 3hours of preparing food isn't so bad.

 

[JasonRox]

I realize that's what you meant, but just wanted to elaborate that it can also signify a problem. In the case of my divorced friends, she was always waiting for marriage, and he respected that, until after they were married, and he discovered she was waiting for more than just marriage...she had a lot of hang-ups (and there were other issues too, like she really didn't want children...part of the source of her hang-ups...and he did). Obviously, they rushed into marriage, because these problems were not unforseen by their friends. She's a very inhibited person in general, and I don't know how he thought this was going to change since she's been like that since childhood...you can hardly get her to try a new food or get her to try an activity she's never done before, let alone think you're going to get her to relax about more intimate issues, and she screams in pain if she screws in a lightbulb to a socket that's still on so the bulb warms a bit before it's all the way in, so I don't know how he thought she'd be willing to consider the pain of childbirth...I'm almost surprised he even got her to go along with losing her virginity at all. So, anyway, the main point is that in a relationship, incompatibility in intercourse is often an indicator that one does not know their partner well enough.

Wow!

Sounds like such a mess. People seem to think marriage can changes things sometimes.

My view on marriage is to not compromise on things that are important to you. For example, if having kids is important, do not compromise for none because you think they might change. If you don't want kids, similarly. If you want to live in this area, or something simliar.

Plus, your partner should know that too.

 

[Moonbear]

Wow!

Sounds like such a mess. People seem to think marriage can changes things sometimes.

My view on marriage is to not compromise on things that are important to you. For example, if having kids is important, do not compromise for none because you think they might change. If you don't want kids, similarly. If you want to live in this area, or something simliar.

Plus, your partner should know that too.

Exactly! It's amazing how many people don't do this though, and it seems like such obvious advice. Churches might have the right idea on that to require pre-marital classes or counseling that cover these types of issues (it's not all about religious obligations in those classes). Not that it always works, but at least there's a chance to have someone counsel the couple that these are important things to consider BEFORE they get married because it won't become less of a problem after they are married. Maybe a few hours of premarital counseling should be required before anyone can get married, just to smack them over the head if they haven't thought of that before getting engaged. Of course, it would be so sad for all those divorce lawyers to be out in the streets starving if that were to work...NOT!

 

[physics girl phd]

I wrote up my requisite list of "ten characteristics" (requisite via a friend that reads too many self-help books on this topic), when I was deciding to break up with someone. On the list is "physical connection"... to me that meant not just in the bedroom, but to include things like snuggling and holding hands when we get old together.

For those that are curious my 11 cents worth (in no particular order -- all "requisite"):
1) no alcohol/drug dependencies.
2) supportive but not overbearing.
3) observant and assute (sees little things, puts 'em into the big picture).
4) physical connection.
5) shared sense of humor.
6) I'm high on the priority list (not always top, but sure as heck up there).
7) kind/considerate of others.
8) honest/trustworthy.
9) independent but still around (not "needy/clingy", but still "there").
10) good shared communication (listens but also makes me listen).
11) mental stability

Ok -- I added on mental stability at the end when I last minute realized that was probably important. Last one I should have put on -- financial stability. Dang...

And yes -- it's wrong to expect marriage (or a new addition to the family) to change things, except perhaps to alter eating and sleeping to some schedule (or out of some schedule).

 

[zoobyshoe]

I wrote up my requisite list of "ten characteristics"...

I think it's an all around excellent list.

I'm curious about "listens but also makes me listen".

 

[physics girl phd]

My ex-boyfriend talked too much (much of the list is anti- him and anti- the previous guy and anti- a friend's boyfriend -- that she STILL hasn't dumped)... then and in general I talk too much and dominate my shy friends. NOT good either way.

The "makes me listen" also includes a bit of intelligence by implying... "he says such intriguing thoughts that I am compelled to shut up and listen". The other way I squeezed in intelligence is via the "observant and astute" bit. Yep yep... I like SMART guys. Who wouldn't? :!)

Thanks for the compliment. It's amazing how years of studying made my insomnia yield clear thoughts... especially when I was also armed with a thesaurus.

 

[whitay]

Thanks for the compliment. It's amazing how years of studying made my insomnia yield clear thoughts... especially when I was also armed with a thesaurus.

You need a Mac, it comes with a Dictionary/Thesaurus program. It's brilliant. It has contributed to my relatively decent grades in english.

 

[zoobyshoe]

My ex-boyfriend talked too much (much of the list is anti- him and anti- the previous guy and anti- a friend's boyfriend -- that she STILL hasn't dumped)... then and in general I talk too much and dominate my shy friends. NOT good either way.

The "makes me listen" also includes a bit of intelligence by implying... "he says such intriguing thoughts that I am compelled to shut up and listen". The other way I squeezed in intelligence is via the "observant and astute" bit. Yep yep... I like SMART guys. Who wouldn't? :!)

Your answer ands up being pretty funny because I thought you meant either someone who brings your attention to the fact you have to listen or someone who was so interesting you listened willingly. Turns out you meant both. Your way of writing it successfully compacted both answers.

Thanks for the compliment. It's amazing how years of studying made my insomnia yield clear thoughts... especially when I was also armed with a thesaurus.

Yeah, when I made my list I didn't have a thesaurus. Just a brontosaurus. When my order arrived...sheesh, what a mess.

 

[NateTG]

For those that are curious my 11 cents worth (in no particular order -- all "requisite"):
.
.
.

The sociology people say that working long-term relationships is about having a 5:1 ratio of good to bad or so. Makes a whole lot more sense to me than a list of qualifications. Of course, the matter of getting 5:1 might have a lot to do with the items on your list most of the time.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The sociology people say that working long-term relationships is about having a 5:1 ratio of good to bad or so.

Good to bad what? 5 good days together for every bad day?

 

[moose]

You need a Mac, it comes with a Dictionary/Thesaurus program. It's brilliant. It has contributed to my relatively decent grades in english.

What do you think those functions in word are for?

 

[physics girl phd]

Turns out you meant both. Your way of writing it successfully compacted both answers. .

When a friend's self-help book limits you to 10... you have to word things well? As it was, I got 11, and SHOULD have added a 12... we're frigging broke. Academics... augh. Couldn't I have found a nice rich enigineer/MBA guy like my sister?

The sociology people say that... .

Would then turn out that the future husband is a sociologist... And he's a friggin' theory guy to boot. Never in the world thought I'd marry a theory guy. At least I'm the gal with the tool belt.

 

[Astronuc]

Good to bad what? 5 good days together for every bad day?

The '5 good to 1 bad' refers to a ratio of five positive acts (interactions, events, encounters, . . .) to every bad one. This 'magic ratio' was developed by John Gottman, a pioneering researcher on marriages (relationships) and one of a growing number of proponents of 'positive psychology'.

Gottman found that marriages are significantly more likely to succeed when the couple's interactions are near that 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative. When the ratio approaches 1 to 1, marriages "cascade to divorce".

In a fascinating study, Gottman teamed up with two mathematicians (statisticians) to test this model. Starting in 1992, they recruited 700 couples who had just received their marriage licenses. For each couple, the researches videotaped a 15-minute conversation between husband and wife and counted the number of positive and negative interactions. Then, based on the 5 to 1 ratio, they predicted whether each couple would stay together or divorce.

Ten year later [2002], Gottman and his colleagues followed up with each to determine the accuracy of their original predictions. The results were stunning. They had predicted divorce with 94% accuracy - based on scoring the couples' interactions [over a single 15 minute period!]

ref: Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton, "How Full is Your Bucket?", Gallup Press, 2004

With regard to the list:
1) no alcohol/drug dependencies.
2) supportive but not overbearing.
3) observant and assute (sees little things, puts 'em into the big picture).
4) physical connection.
5) shared sense of humor.
6) I'm high on the priority list (not always top, but sure as heck up there).
7) kind/considerate of others.
8) honest/trustworthy.
9) independent but still around (not "needy/clingy", but still "there").
10) good shared communication (listens but also makes me listen).
11) mental stability
12) financial stability


1, 9, 11, 12 are related, i.e. responsibility, maturity and psychological well-developed (stability).

2, 3, 6, and 7 are related - thoughtful, kind/compassionate and considerate (and implicitly - unselfish)

8 (honesty/trustworthy) means basic integrity (observant of moral and ethical principles).

10 communication is very important and it must be reciprocal (listens but also makes me listen). Lack of communication leads to doubt and uncertainty which in turn produces a negative psychological stress.

2, 7, 10 are also manifest in another quality - empathy

Etymology: Greek empatheia, literally, passion, from empathes emotional, from em- + pathos feelings, emotion -- more at PATHOS
1 : the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it
2 : the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner; also : the capacity for this

Merriam-Webster

3 also infers intelligence, but not only intellectual capacity [ability to process facts and information] but also a social intelligence [empathy, thoughtful, kind, compassionate, considerate].



All this distills to morality and ethics, intellectual capacity and psychological stability - all aspects of being human - and all highly variable among individuals.

Sometimes, one simply has to settle for the best at a given point in time. If one were to wait for perfection, one might never find a partner.

 

[Astronuc]

Would then turn out that the future husband is a sociologist... And he's a friggin' theory guy to boot.

Not necessarily, it would simply mean the guy has a naturally positive disposition, which theorists are just now beginning to understand and classify. My father is such a man, and that is why my parents have been happily married for 50 years, and are still going strong.

Positivity is a product of both nature and nuture.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The '5 good to 1 bad' refers to a ratio of five positive acts (interactions, events, encounters, . . .) to every bad one.

On my best days I'm a 2:1 guy. No wonder I'm alone living in a brush shelter.

 

[Moonbear]

On my best days I'm a 2:1 guy. No wonder I'm alone living in a brush shelter.

But I don't think human social rules apply to Zoobies. A 2:1 ratio might make you a prime pick among Zoobies!

 

[zoobyshoe]

But I don't think human social rules apply to Zoobies. A 2:1 ratio might make you a prime pick among Zoobies!

You may well be right. I should probably give up on this King Kong/petite blonde cross species experimentation and see if there are any female zoobies left in Nature.

 

[turbo]

But I don't think human social rules apply to Zoobies. A 2:1 ratio might make you a prime pick among Zoobies!

That's a good point. Female Zoobies probably achieve 1:1 on their best days - I dated one briefly. Cute, but unpredictably wild and irresponsible! I couldn't live with a woman that earned me a 50:50 chance of getting in a fist-fight in any given bar on any given night.

 

[physics girl phd]

I do like the further analysis of the list that occurred since I left for a brew-pub for some inebriated chess-playing last night. Note that positive shiny disposition wasn't on my list... I have more than enough optimism and shine, and it rubs off without blemishing. The future husband seriously IS a "social theorist"... but a 5:1 disposition?

I also like the thought that social rules don't apply to zoobies. So Zoobyshoe might want to consider using those hunter-gatherer skills he's honed to hunt down a 5:1 zoobie-gal to rub off on him a little. 3:1 wouldn't be a bad improvement. And don't those brush shelters get cold in winter?

 

[zoobyshoe]

So Zoobyshoe might want to consider using those hunter-gatherer skills he's honed to hunt down a 5:1 zoobie-gal to rub off on him a little.

Sounds like you're well informed about zoobie foreplay practices.

 

[Moonbear]

I should probably give up on this King Kong/petite blonde cross species experimentation...

Yeah, that didn't work out very well for King Kong either, though people weren't as open-minded back then either.

 

[mathwonk]

this is turning into the resuscitation of the thread that never dies, (but perhaps should).

 

[Moonbear]

I think we've found an answer to the original question. Bring them dead bugs and/or spiders!
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=132255

It proves you're brave enough to protect the household, have the hunting skills to be a good provider, and have the strength to endure the ill effects of the bites suffered during the hunt.

 

[mathwonk]

after reading the dumb question thread, i apologize for helping kill this one.

as a wise but cynical person said: things can always get worse.

 

[hopeless blonde]

Those down to Earth honest woman sub consciously look for a man (we don't count boys) whom the can relate to on many levels. Someone who makes them feel confident about themselves, whom they can lay their trust and rely on. However they don't always want someone obsessing over them, yes sometimes it can be complementary but admittedly after a while desperation can be off putting. At the end of the day you really want someone whom you can not only have a physical relationship with but a great friendship in which loyalty, honesty and trust prevail. Also it is at utmost importance for a guy to have good humour.

 

[J'adore]

High School Doesn't Change things

I don't think that it matters if you're a high school girl. It matters if you're looking for a serious relationship, which I don't think many are. I'm a high schooler myself, and while I knew and know girls who have looked for guys based on whether or not they are atttractive, that's not what you want in a permanent relationship. A lot of these 'cute' guys turn out to be jerks. Myself, not to brag, haven't had many relationships with jerks- I've learned early. Sure, looks are a bonus, but what most high school girls really look for is someone who can make them laugh, someone who is kind, smart, and friendly, and someone who won't think of them as just a hot date. And there are some really great guys out there. Really, and I know from experience, almost all the girls I know consider looks, but not as the main selling point.

 

[Huckleberry]

It would be nice to have someone that would just leave me alone. I'd like to date the invisible woman.