What do girls/women look for in men?

[JasonRox]

I can't speak for all guys or all women, only for my own experience on that one. The vast majority of guys I've asked directly have turned me down (I think they all have, except there's one guy I briefly dated and can't recall who asked whom...we were both pretty drunk the night we admitted to a mutual attraction). It doesn't stop me from asking though. I keep hearing guys saying it would be so much easier if women would ask them, and that they'd like it if a woman did the asking, and I figure since I want a guy who's comfortable with me being pretty independent and not exactly playing any sort of "traditional" woman's role, there's nothing wrong with screening them out that way as well (i.e., if a guy was intiailly interested and gets turned off by me doing the asking, it probably wouldn't have worked out in the long-term anyway).

If you think three married women sending you mixed signals is a lot (I still haven't found your original post on that, so I hope I've even gotten the gist of that part of the discussion from all the replies on it), you may or may not be surprised at how many men with wives and/or girlfriends do a lot of "looking" while those wives and/or girlfriends are elsewhere. By "looking," I mean actual looking, not hitting on (or maybe it is, but they shy away once called on it)...it's just hard to tell from across a room if a guy looking your way is just appreciating the female form, or is interested in getting to know you. So, there have been plenty of times when I've wandered over to a guy spending a lot of time looking my way, struck up a conversation, and had him soon after mention the wife or girlfriend he was either waiting on, or due to meet. Now, maybe some didn't really have a wife or girlfriend and just said that to get rid of me, but I figure at least some really are "attached" and were just doing window shopping. Some are just plain not interested (as soon as the reply starts with, "I'm flattered, but..." I know what's coming).

The first time I asked a guy out instead of letting him do the asking, and got rejected, yeah, it has the same effect as a woman rejecting a guy. I felt just plain stupid, and started thinking sure, if a guy is interested in a woman, he'll do the asking, so of course if he didn't ask, then he wasn't interested and it was stupid of me to ask...etc. But, quite frankly, I wasn't doing any better sitting around waiting for them to walk up and ask me either. And, although the vast majority have turned me down, and I haven't found any lasting relationship that way, I have wound up with several friends that way.

I think the hardest part is that once anyone is attracted to someone else, they see a lot of what they want to see. It's pretty easy to think someone is attracted back, even if they aren't. Most of the game-playing is with ourselves. Heck, all those cute, "shy" guys standing on the other side of the dance floor might not be shy at all, they just might not be interested, and are only looking my way because they're laughing at my bad dancing. But, geez, how is anyone to know if you don't just summon up the courage to ask?

You summed it up really good.

 

[turbo]

Or she's drunk! Hard to identify flushed cheeks or dilated pupils as any sort of sign if you're in a dark bar and she's been drinking.

Obviously, if you're in a loud crowded bar (especially if you're half-baked yourself) you're not going to appreciate the real signs of attraction.

I used to host the blues jams on Sunday afternoons in a well-lit tavern (and people were welcome to bring their kids since it was a tavern that served food, and there were a few parents who were willing to drive 100 miles round-trip to give their kids a chance to learn from people who had been playing blues for a few decades). It wasn't like the patrons were Friday-Saturday night binge-drinkers. They were regulars that showed up every Sunday and loved good live music (or at least heart-felt live music ) and still I had ladies decades younger than myself wanting to sit and talk and buy me drinks on breaks. I do not consider myself handsome, but I am honest and approachable. I had no designs on these ladies (though some were extreme cuties, including one with a baby-face and convergent strabismus that I find hard to resist - good dart player, despite the eye problem, BTW) - I love my wife and with the exception of one of these ladies (who ended up marrying another band leader) all of them are still close to my wife today, hug her when they meet and ask how I am.

 

[JasonRox]

I had ladies much younger than myself wanting to sit and talk and buy me drinks on breaks. I do not consider myself handsome, but I am honest and approachable.

Ladies like that kind of thing.

 

[twisting_edge]

I don't know who you're asking out, but you're totally going about it the wrong way. I sense that you got rejected plenty of times and that feel like if a girl, any girl, asked you, you would say yes. But that's just YOU.

I do not typically ask women out, and never really have. And, no, I do not say yes to the first thing that comes along.

You can look at my past experiences in this regard in one of two lights: either I am one of those impossibly rare people who manages to convert friendships into romance, or the women involved have had other plans all along (I suspect the latter).

But most of the time I've been single and not dating. I was starting up my own business for the better part of the past decade, and that takes more time and energy than most people can even imagine.

 

[twisting_edge]

THING? I'm not even human now?

Hey, you're a PF Mentor.

Last I heard, they looked something like this:

Don't they? Isn't that what the tag means? Remember, I'm relatively new here.

P.S.: Ivan Seeking already posted that BBC photo https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=139145&highlight=walrus". Further discussion regarding the photo ought to go there.

 

[Moonbear]

Hey! Who gave you that picture of me?!

 

[Volumunox]

what in gods name is that

 

[Hurkyl]

It's a moonbear. Aren't you paying attention?

 

[Volumunox]

i thought it was an Evo

 

[twisting_edge]

It's a moonbear. Aren't you paying attention?

No, it's a PF Mentor.

Just like you, huh?

 

[Hurkyl]

No, you got a picture of the female.

 

[Moonbear]

It's a moonbear. Aren't you paying attention?

You're the one who gave him that photo, aren't you?! I knew I wasn't safe in the mentor's private shower!

 

[twisting_edge]

i thought it was an Evo

Drat, you posted at the same time I did. GMTA.

 

[Volumunox]

So... since when did this turn into a beauty contest instead of a discussion on what ppl looks for

 

[Hurkyl]

So... since when did this turn into a beauty content instead of a discussion on what ppl looks for

Beauty is one of the things people look for, sometimes! So we're giving visual examples.

 

[Volumunox]

and what stunning visuals... what curves Moonbear has *rawr* and i like the blue colors :P

 

[twisting_edge]

and what stunning visuals... what curves ... <snip>

And Jason implied I might be a bit desperate?

 

[Volumunox]

Who says I'm Desperate ?

*looks for the nearest moving object*

*rawr*

 

[Evo]

Who says I'm Desperate ?

*looks for the nearest moving object*

*rawr*

 

[Moonbear]

and what stunning visuals... what curves Moonbear has *rawr* and i like the blue colors :P

Wow! Blue is one of my favorite colors too! We have so much in common!

 

[matthew baird]

well this discussion has gone manmy different ways...So does anybody really know what guys/girls are looking for in the opposite? I don't think that this question can be answered with absolute attributes. Fact is, everyone is so very different, trying to figure out what all girls want in a guy is a waste of time I think. Every gal is different, just pay close attention to him/her and try to figure out what they want that way...Am I right? PAY ATTENTION I know that is a hard thing for a lot of guys lol

 

[Astronuc]

I know that is a hard thing for a lot of guys lol

Yeah, for many, it's like asking someone for directions.

 

[Volumunox]

We don't have to ask for directions anymore... EVER... we got our beloved GPS in worst case scenarios ;)

 

[Evo]

No, you got a picture of the female.

Sorry, this one was just too funny to let slide.

 

[DaveC426913]

So that's PF gets new mentors. They breed as a species.

 

[Evo]

So that's PF gets new mentors. They breed as a species.

uh oh, Dave guessed our secret

 

[zoobyshoe]

well this discussion has gone manmy different ways...So does anybody really know what guys/girls are looking for in the opposite? I don't think that this question can be answered with absolute attributes. Fact is, everyone is so very different, trying to figure out what all girls want in a guy is a waste of time I think. Every gal is different, just pay close attention to him/her and try to figure out what they want that way...Am I right? PAY ATTENTION I know that is a hard thing for a lot of guys lol

I know at least one thing that is VERY appealing to ALL women, and, interestingly enough, I learned it from Evo. Last year in a thread similar to this one she advised "Listen up guys: a pleasant, confident attitude will work wonders for you."

It seemed sort of trite when I first read it, but in the spirit of scientific inquiry I threw myself wholeheartedly into trying it: I started adopting this attitude toward any woman I encountered.

Evo's phrase "work wonders" was not an exaggeration. It was as if I was under a magic spell that made me into Mr. Appealing. The turn around in women's attitude toward me was not to be believed. They all suddenly became warm and attentive to me. I even got a surprising amount of attention and approbation from women I consider stunningly beautiful and out of my league.

That is when it became frightening because it was, after all, just a public facade I was trying out and not an authentic expression of who I am. I wouldn't be able to sustain it for very long in an extended conversation and there was no real possibility of following up on any of these openings I'd created.

So, without asserting that the "confident, pleasant" guy is what all girls/women are looking for, I can assert it appeals to all of them. They may not have defined the guy they're looking for this way, but if this guy comes along they'll definitely gravitate toward him in a big way.

 

[gravenewworld]

Women are all different when it comes to physical attraction to a man. They all like different things, sometimes weird stuff.

Personality wise, women all want a man who is confident, funny, smart, and motivated. Confidence is probably biggest one. There are a lot of hot girls out there who are single simply because men are too intimidated to talk to them because of their good looks. I have several friends who aren't male models but have incredible looking girlfriends simply because they are very outgoing. Even if you aren't confident just put on a facade of being confident, the ladies will start lining up.

 

[Moonbear]

Yeah, I'm naturally sweet and sentimental when it come to that kind of stuff, no acting involved. What I'm not, in person, is confident and pleasant. I come across as decidedly introspective, in a worried way, as too intense, and also as critical and judgemental when I start discussing anything in earnest.

The "confident, pleasant" guy that women like always seems to have his act together such that he is self sustaining and isn't much disturbed by anything around him. I'm not that guy: stuff bothers me.

Do you think you could "act" confident long enough to get comfortable with a particular woman so that you would then always feel confident...at least around her? I've seen even the shyest of guys gain a lot of confidence and really open up when they've gotten comfortable around a person; it just seems to be a matter of gathering up the confidence to get to know them in the first place, which is of course not so easy if you're naturally shy or introverted (the two are not necessarily synonymous either).

 

[matthew baird]

I've seen even the shyest of guys gain a lot of confidence and really open up when they've gotten comfortable around a person; it just seems to be a matter of gathering up the confidence to get to know them in the first place, which is of course not so easy if you're naturally shy or introverted (the two are not necessarily synonymous either).

I can say that from personal experience, when I was younger (14-18) I was so shy around girls, especially the ones I had a crush on. It seems so daunting and scary at first, but once you do it the confidence grows fast. Now it's easy, see a gal I think is attractive, go up to her start a conversation, if I can obviously tell she isn't interested move on to the next one. Haha Once you realize that the fear is retarded and holding you back you want to stop it, only way to do that is by DOING IT, just like any other fear.

 

[zoobyshoe]

Do you think you could "act" confident long enough to get comfortable with a particular woman so that you would then always feel confident...at least around her? I've seen even the shyest of guys gain a lot of confidence and really open up when they've gotten comfortable around a person; it just seems to be a matter of gathering up the confidence to get to know them in the first place, which is of course not so easy if you're naturally shy or introverted (the two are not necessarily synonymous either).

I'm introverted but not shy. It isn't the "confident" part of a "pleasant, confident attitude" that defeats me. It's the "pleasant" part. Eventually just about anyone I meet says something that I find to be outrageous, and I find myself put in a position where I can either call them on it or hold my tongue. This is a rock and a hard place because if I call them on it I generally end up seeming like an "uptight", edgy person, who is too opinionated and intense for comfort. If I hold my tongue for the sake of peace I am also essentially withdrawing from authentic interaction with them and when you do that you never get closer.

Now the fact is, I probably AM a pretty edgy person by most standards. I am still very, very put off, for instance, whenever I find out that someone has a tattoo, because it tells me that this is a person with no forsight, who will change themselves for life because of a current fad. Inside I can't help but mutter "Idiot", and withdraw from them.

So, that's what I meant when I said I'm not the confident pleasant guy: stuff bothers me. It's not a shyness problem. People say and do stuff that irritates me.

On the other hand, if I meet a woman who remains appealing even after a long conversation I often end up putting her off with the opposite behavior: overcomplimenting her. It's always completely sincere, not empty flattery, but I overdo it in my enthusiasm and, again, end up being too intense about it.

So, I don't really have a problem with confidence or shyness. It's an iritability/intensity problem. When I faked the "pleasant" thing, the difference was pretty dramatic, but that's not me, and I couldn't possibly sustain that.

 

[Moonbear]

...
On the other hand, if I meet a woman who remains appealing even after a long conversation I often end up putting her off with the opposite behavior: overcomplimenting her. It's always completely sincere, not empty flattery, but I overdo it in my enthusiasm and, again, end up being too intense about it.

So, I don't really have a problem with confidence or shyness. It's an iritability/intensity problem. When I faked the "pleasant" thing, the difference was pretty dramatic, but that's not me, and I couldn't possibly sustain that.

Oh, okay, I see. I guess if you have a hard time being pleasant to someone, because you find something undesirable about them, then it's probably not such a big deal if it turns them off in return. Afterall, it sounds like you're mostly having that problem with people you don't really want to be around anyway.

The other problem, though, of driving off women you do like because you get overenthusiastic with compliments, is one that sounds like it's one worth working on. If you already know you do it, that's a start. If someone meets all your other "criteria," then maybe it's just a matter of biting your tongue in time to not go overboard, and if she notices you cut yourself off mid-sentence and wants to know what you were going to say, you could explain that you tend to overcompliment people you really like and it scares them away. It's honest, it's flattering, and it gives you a chance to further explain that she should just tell you if you are getting carried away and it's making her uncomfortable.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The other problem, though, of driving off women you do like because you get overenthusiastic with compliments, is one that sounds like it's one worth working on. If you already know you do it, that's a start. If someone meets all your other "criteria," then maybe it's just a matter of biting your tongue in time to not go overboard, and if she notices you cut yourself off mid-sentence and wants to know what you were going to say, you could explain that you tend to overcompliment people you really like and it scares them away. It's honest, it's flattering, and it gives you a chance to further explain that she should just tell you if you are getting carried away and it's making her uncomfortable.

Thanks for trying but the only authentic solution is for me to relax and mellow out in some general, profound way.

 

[Volumunox]

The other problem, though, of driving off women you do like because you get overenthusiastic with compliments, is one that sounds like it's one worth working on. If you already know you do it, that's a start. If someone meets all your other "criteria," then maybe it's just a matter of biting your tongue in time to not go overboard, and if she notices you cut yourself off mid-sentence and wants to know what you were going to say, you could explain that you tend to overcompliment people you really like and it scares them away. It's honest, it's flattering, and it gives you a chance to further explain that she should just tell you if you are getting carried away and it's making her uncomfortable.

Thats one sneaky way to do it lol... but i bet it works...

 

[mathwonk]

suggestion: quit blogging all this nonsense and ask some women for a date. i am told most women accept invitations to dinner.