Me??
Well, all is not lost, since you didn't mean to mislead him, I"m sure he'll understand if he did get that impression... So your best bet is to just let sleeping dogs lie, if you value the friendship. Pretend it didn't happen. If he tries again, make it quite clear to him (in a nice way of course) that you're only interested in him as a friend. Originally posted by Zantra
Monique, it sounds to me as if he wants to date you but he's either 1. shy or 2. afraid of ruining the friendship, so he's approaching it cautiously. If he wasn't interested in dating you, he would have spoken up when you mentioned it and said "hey, it's not a date, I just want to hang out, so chill princess" Or at least that's what I'd say
Since this is turning into the love column, let me share my own story, and maybe someone can impart some wisdom here. I've told people this story before, and they didn't know what to say.
I get along really well with women- I'm THAT guy. I'm the kind of guy who is just more comfortable around women than guyss for some reason. (I'm not looking for a psychoanalysis, so spare me please). Anyhow, I haven't had a lot of Good long term female friends, but there is one. I've known her, or I should say KNEW her, for about 8 or 9 years. we kind of grew up together, though we met as teenagers. Now this girl is the kind of girl who turns heads. size zero, blond hair, blue eyes..you get the picture(I'm sure now the women already hate her). Anyhow, she was younger than me, so dating was just never dicussed. But over the course of years we grew quite close. She became like a sister to me, but not quite. I never had the intention of seeing her in any way other than platonically. I knew her boyfriends, she knew my girlfriends(who were consequently insanely jealous, so I stopped introducing them after a while- didn't matter HOW much I told them she was a friend, they just didn't like her because she was good looking). But I digress. Anyhow, over the course of years I gradually developed feelings for her. She was younger, but she was very intelligent-moreso than any of my friends at the time, and also very intuitive-beyond her years. I'd go to her first for advice- And usually most people come to ME for advice. (I guess that shows that EVERYONE has a mentor.. hehee). Anyhow, I fell in love with her, and one day I just told her. I of course received the standard kiss of death "It would ruin the friendship" and "I don't like you like that". Which was painful, but I accepted it gracefully. After that we grew distant. Then things came to a head one day. I was supposed to meet her to hang out, and forgetfully made plans also with my girlfriend at the time. Now, I don't do this normally, but things happen. She came over and waited and I never showed. She was insanely mad. Way out of porportion to what I did. we stopped talking for months. The fact that my girlfriend and her did not like each other didn't help matters. She had commented that SHE never blew ME off for her boyfriend.. etc etc.
This is getting long so I'll summarize. Bottom line, there were numerous instances where she acted very jealous of the women I was dating(AFTER I'd told her I loved her). But at the same time our relationship was never the same after I'd told her. Before I told her, none of this was ever an issue. It all came to a head about a year ago- Just before I moved to a different state. She'd been smoking more and more weed, barely still in school, and she'd had an episode where she'd been in the hospital. A side note-she's got mental health problems related to depression and she's SUPPOSED to be taking epinephrin. I don't know if she'd stopped. Anyhow, I went over there(she wasnt happy). here's the dialogue, as it's shorter and simpler:
Me: Hey we haven't been hanging out or talking much lately. I'm leaving for California soon. I wanted to know you're ok.
Her: you don't need to check up on me.
Me: well I'm just concerned, that's all.
her: We'll I don't need you to worry about me, I'm fine
me: I thought we were friends. I'm just letting you know I care
her: I don't need your friendship, and I don't need you to care- I have enough people who already care about me.
me: you know, I can't figure you out. What is the problem exactly?
Her: I don't want to be around you anymore.
Me: What exactly is your beef with me. I don't get it.
Her: And you never will. Goodnigh
And that was the last conversation we ever had. The magnificent end to an 8 yeare friendship. Admittedly we're both stubborn people, but she was pretty vague about the whole thing. I called her the next day but she just hung up on me. Now, she never gave any indications as to WHY she was upset with me. And her attitude towards me changed abruptly one day-and nothing of note had happened between us. I remember it well. We were hanging out at my house. We'd gotten back from a picnic we had, came back and we were drinking. We were both sitting on the couch in silence(I was completely hammered). Suddenly she stood up and stormed outside. I stood up to find out what her deal was, and she says "I want to go home". Now I was COMPLETELY sloshed, and in no condition to drive. She wasn't much better. But she's like "take me home NOW or I'm walking home". So I did the stupid thing and drove her home. I was so gone that 3/4 of the way there, I had to pull over and regurgitate. Instead of asking me if I was ok, she gets out of the car, says sorry, and just walks off. She walked the rest of the way home. I didn't talk to her for 5 months after that. Every since that day, she's been different.
Any advice? comments? I sent her an xmas card this year, but I didn't leave a return address. I was contemplating calling her, but I feel like it would be a waste of time.
Just a guess, but given what you said about her, I suggest that she might have had some sort of problem, felt like crap, and was pushing you away to see if you really cared and would really leap in and help. Apparently you didn't.
Well, I hadn't even got to the end of your story when I started thinking "Geez. This chick sounds bipolar!" I think Hurkyl has the right option choices pretty well covered. Is there a family member of hers you could call to see how she's doing? Why don't you PM Zooby and get him over here for his take on the situation.
No one can pretend to know another person's mind, but I'm going to give this a shot. Just my take on it and it may be just a bunch of cr*p.
Even though she was not interested in you as a "boyfriend", in her mind, you were "hers", a "constant", someone she could rely on and was always "there for her". When you "forgot", she suddenly realized this wasn't always going to be true and it altered her perception of her importance to you, and this was hard for her to deal with.
Same reason as above.
Making even more sense now.
She's feeling like she's lost you and she can't deal with it. You meant a lot to her. I think she looked up to you more than you realize and she needed the feeling of worth and love that she got from you, but she can't tell you that without lowering the protective "walls" that she's built up around herself.
She has problems Zantra, she may never be able to deal with her feelings. I think, inside her mind, she was playing out scenarios of what your responsibilities to her were, especially since you had once proclaimed your love to her, and you weren't meeting them (no one could). I'm sorry, but I can't give you hope that there could ever be a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship here. I'm not sure that's even what you are wanting at this point.
I don't know if he's a shrink or not, but he always seemed extremely knowledgeable about this kind of stuff. Suicide attempt at age 11??!
Originally posted by Hurkyl
I would feel 100% better if you had the advice of a trained professional instead of unqualified advice-givers such as ourselves.