Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Jimmy Snyder]

Then there's always Fudd's first law of opposition:

If you push something hard enough, it will fall over.

Anybody who gets the reference to this may have a few issues..

Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues? Firesign Theater. What issues?

 

[Hammie]

What issues you ask? Well, being up against the wall of science, among other things.

 

[Astronuc]

This is not so much about science as education.

I got the following in spam email.

Un'iversity Degre'e
OBTAIN A PROSPEROUS FUTURE, MONEY-EARNING POWER, AND THE PRESTIGE THAT COMES WITH HAVING THE CAREER POSITION YOU'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF. DI'PLOMA FROM PRESTIGIOUS NON-ACCREDITED UNI'VERSITIES BASED ON YOUR PRESENT KNOWLEDGE AND PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE.
If you qualify, no required tests, classes, books or examinations.
Confidentiality Assured

PRESTIGIOUS NON-ACCREDITED UNI'VERSITIES

Just make sure they spell your name, your field, and the name of the univeristy correctly.

 

[Ukitake Jyuushirou]

Heisenberg was once stopped on the highway by a police officer who asks "Do you know how fast you were going, sir?", to which the physicist responds, "No, but I know exactly where I am!".

How many Physicists does it take to change a light bulb?" "Only one, and all the Physicist has to do is observe the light bulb and he changes it

 

[mathwonk]

re:

eax:

Q: What is the #1 reason women use to get out of having sex?
A: They have a headache.


this sort of l the marrieds from the un.

 

[mathwonk]

Perspectives of the world:

Optomist- the glass is half full.
pessimist- the glass is half empty.
fatalist-the water will evaporate.
existentialist- the glass is.
feminist- all glasses are equal.
narcissist-look at me in the water!
polygamist-the more glasses the merrier.
evangelist-the glass must repent.
socialist-share the glass.
capitalist-sell the glass.
anarchist- break the glass.
psychologist- How does the water feel about the glass?thism reminds me of a math ed joke i saw once, but i forget the details, something that progressed from a math test in 1950 like find the factorization of x^4 - 16 into Irreducibles, to finally "underline the word "factor" in the following sentence, and then explain your attitude towards prime integers..."

 

[mathwonk]

now i know the difference between ivan and me:

this is ivans joke:

A student in a very large auditorium-class didn't stop working on his exam when the professor called "time". When he went up to turn it in, the professor said he needen't bother, he'd already failed. The student looked at the large stack of exams on the desk and asked angrily and defiantly, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied that he didn't. The student stuck his exam in the middle of the stack and said, "Good."


this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, what's your name?

 

[mathwonk]

now i know the difference between ivan and me:

this is ivans joke:

A student in a very large auditorium-class didn't stop working on his exam when the professor called "time". When he went up to turn it in, the professor said he needen't bother, he'd already failed. The student looked at the large stack of exams on the desk and asked angrily and defiantly, "Do you know who I am?" The professor replied that he didn't. The student stuck his exam in the middle of the stack and said, "Good."


this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, what's your name?

 

[mathwonk]

some of the puns here reminded me of the following challenge to computer translation programs;

Time flies like an arrow: fruit flies like a banana.

 

[SizarieldoR]

this is mine:

the student rings the professors number at midnight and asks for his exaM SCORE: THE PROFESSOR ANSWERS: F, what's your name?

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well.

 

[Evo]

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well.

<snort>

 

[Solar Flare]

This is more of a VERY lame math joke my friend thought up during our study of logorithms: "Logs got me STUMPED!"

And after studying some pre-calc and calc this summer, one girl looks up from a paper newly handed out (after we had been doing logs for about 1 hour straight) and says, "What are 'low-go-rithms'?" It was priceless!

 

[star.torturer]

But if the professor knew the grade of the paper of that student, he should know his name as well.

but not if ... they all got F

 

[Astronuc]

This has been passed around the internet and landed in my email.

THE Latest Breakthrough in Educational Technology!

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named: B.O.O.K.

B.O.O.K is a revolutionary break-through in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it.

Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire; yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.


Here's how it works:

B.O.O.K. is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, B.O.O.K.s with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

B.O.O.K. may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.

B.O.O.K. never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "B.O.O.K.mark" accessory allows you to open B.O.O.K. to the exact place you left it in a previous session -- even if the BOOK has been closed. B.o.o.k.marks fit universal design standards; thus, a single Bookmark can be used in B.O.O.K.s by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous B.O.O.K. markers can be used in a single B.O.O.K. if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the B.O.O.K. You can also make personal notes next to B.O.O.K. text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Langauge Styli (P.E.N.C.I.L.S.).

Portable, durable, and affordable, B.O.O.K. is being hailed as a precursor
of a new entertainment wave. B.O.O.K.'s appeal seems so certain that
thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Heathorn. R.J. (1962). Punch Magazine, May 9, 1962.
Circulated through bulk emails, 2000, 2001.


A RESPONSE TO "THE B.O.O.K.":

BOOK(tm)* does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal.

Consider:

"It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire." Being paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.

"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author) would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user!

"cannot" is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong
page. A proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is a clear conflict with "The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he pleases."

"BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be practical.

"...the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of the user". Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain present, much less to use it so continuously.


On the other hand, there have been no adverse affects reported among users when a BOOK is used as intended.

Furthermore, I still use P.E.N.C.I.L technology. It is very effective for writing things, especially when used in conjunction with BOOK technology.

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named: B.O.O.K.

I expect that certain interested parties will sue in order to suppress this technology unless these "books" can be copy protected.

 

[DaveC426913]

Furthermore, I still use P.E.N.C.I.L technology. It is very effective for writing things, especially when used in conjunction with BOOK technology.

Yeah, but the COPY function is VERY time and labour intensive.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

http://img435.imageshack.us/img435/5397/mathprankro5.jpg

 

[Tomsk]

Don't know if this has already been posted, I haven't read the whole thread.

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,
The field that's famous for its spoofs, is physics theoretical.

I've taken undergraduate work whose content is forgettable;
And graduate work is gen'rally regarded as regrettable.
The lecturers are all absurd.
A cogent word is never heard.
Insanity afflicts a third in physics theoretical.

We never do experiments; we shun the purely practical.
Our best work's done in getting grants--our budgets are fantastical.
In one respect our motive's pure:
Though funding fails, we still endure--
We make damn sure our job's secure in physics theoretical.

Our scientific breakthroughs are, to say the least, debatable.
We laugh at critics haughtily; our egos are inflatable.
The rest of science goes along,
Because our last defense is strong:
It's hard to prove we're ever wrong in physics theoretical.

My maths lecturer put this on an OHP one lecture last term. She was always putting jokes up, this one was one of the best.

 

[SizarieldoR]

U guys mught want to like what i found:
http://www.juliantrubin.com/sciencetrivia.html

Ivan, does it say something funny on the sheet of paper on the scientist's butt, or is the cartoon just ironizing the obsession of the mathematicians?

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I think the idea is that they have written something that is obviously incorrect. I don't think the cartoonist [Larson] was doing any real math here.

 

[DaveC426913]

Don't know if this has already been posted, I haven't read the whole thread.

I've studied all the sciences in order alphabetical,
My judgment is, which some of you may find to be heretical,
The field that's really quite abstruse,
The field where all the screws come loose,...

Isn't this from Gilbert and Sullivan? "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"?

 

[Astronuc]

What happened when the physicist froze a sample to absolute zero?






















[color="#black"]Nothing.[/COLOR]

 

[Tomsk]

Isn't this from Gilbert and Sullivan? "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General"?

Could be. She didn't sing it though, that would have been great.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Astronuc and Zapper in the kitchen

http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/5835/cookies2dm3.jpg

Note: These cartoons are twenty years old or more.

 

[Reshma]

That's hilarious!

 

[DaveC426913]

Could be. She didn't sing it though, that would have been great.

How do you know? Maybe she was dictating.

 

[neutrino]

Note: These cartoons are twenty years old or more.

So how does Zz look now?

 

[Astronuc]

Astronuc and Zapper in the kitchen

I just found that.

So how does Zz look now?

Zapper is cuter than I am.

Some Aggie wisdom from College Station, Texas -

Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.

and, most importantly,

Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.

The problem with Aggies is that they will LOOK, TASTE, SMELL, TOUCH and LISTEN - even when they're not supposed to.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I was just watching a special about memory loss as a function of age. They gave all sorts of tips to help reduce the loss... now if I could just remember what all they said.

 

[rhuthwaite]

Hahaha eat rosemary for rememberance

 

[desA]

Won't Rosemary mind?

 

[Doc Al]

How physics saves lives!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the young man blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.

"Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps certain people out of medical school."

 

[moose]

Doc Al, I think the joke sounds better if the last quote is "because it keeps people like you out of medical school", or 'because it keeps people like you from becoming doctors".

 

[Reshma]

Algebra can Kill!

 

[AlbertEinstein]

STATUARY WARNING: MATHEMATICS IS "SUICIDAL" TO STUDENTS