Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Jimmy Snyder]

I don't get the punch line

The derivative of e^x is e^x, so the teacher wasn't changed by the mean professor. (or did I take you too seriously?)

 

[Wild Angel]

The derivative of e^x is e^x, so the teacher wasn't changed by the mean professor. (or did I take you too seriously?)

No..I really didnt understand the punchline .Thanks

 

[Math Jeans]

Q: What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a hiker?

A: You can't. A mosquito is a vector, and a hiker is a scalar.

 

[Phred101.2]

"..mass and energy are like two sides of the same coin: the cosmic teller isn't worried about which side is face-up on his counter..."

or "mass is the get-out-of-jail card for energy when it wants to escape and go somewhere, but it has to leave the card behind, and it gets re-captured eventually"

 

[Ryo124]

James Bond

An evil scientist has James Bond strapped down to a large rotating disc (in classic fashion).

Evil Scientist: Mr. Bond, this disc will begin rotating and the arising centrifugal force will crush every bone in your body!

Bond: Centrifugal force is simply a myth taught by overzealous science teachers. It does not exist.

Evil Scientist: On the contrary Mr. Bond, with a simple change in the coordinate system and the inertial reference frame, the centrifugal force will exist.

Bond: Well do you expect me to do coordinate system calculations in my head while strapped to a giant disc!?

Evil Scientist: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

 

[Gib Z]

An evil scientist has James Bond strapped down to a large rotating disc (in classic fashion).

Evil Scientist: Mr. Bond, this disc will begin rotating and the arising centrifugal force will crush every bone in your body!

Bond: Centrifugal force is simply a myth taught by overzealous science teachers. It does not exist.

Evil Scientist: On the contrary Mr. Bond, with a simple change in the coordinate system and the inertial reference frame, the centrifugal force will exist.

Bond: Well do you expect me to do coordinate system calculations in my head while strapped to a giant disc!?

Evil Scientist: No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!

lol! Reminds me of the batman cartoons =]

 

[Bill Foster]

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

...and as they walked into the bar they were ignored by all of the other particles. Finally a bartender neutron stumbled upon them and said "hey 'lil dudes, up for some punch?" "Ill show you some punch!" the little neutrino said. Little neutrino got so pissed off at the service of the bar that it smashed into the neutron, causing it to collapse into protons and electrons.

A riot broke out until a rogue neutron hit a uranium atom, causing the entire bar to explode in a gigantic fireball.

Wow. That's really funny. http://www.turboconnection.com/pics/smilies/ummslow.gif

 

[Astronuc]

This is amusing -

http://xkcd.com/55/

If that doesn't work, try - http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg

 

[Phred101.2]

Make my day...

customer: "Is that the helpdesk? Yeah my mouse isn't working, it's right at the edge of the desk and I can't move it any further, what should I do?"

helpdesk: "Have you tried switching your PC off and on a few times at the wall? Or formatting the hard drive? See if that helps...('chortle')"

 

[Gib Z]

This is amusing -

http://xkcd.com/55/

If that doesn't work, try - http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/useless.jpg

From the same site; http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/schrodinger.jpg .

Note: Minor profanity.

EDIT: And another one =] http://xkcd.com/26/

 

[Ivan Seeking]

While working on a CAT scanner [and while still quite young] I was called into the photo lab to view an x-ray of a certain uniquely male appendage with a broken bone inside! It seemed that the poor guy got a little carried away and actually broke his bone, bone. I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but there was the x-ray on the lightboard and a couple of techs and a radiologist were telling me the story, so I didn’t know what to think. This was most surprising and perplexing! I found it very hard to believe that I had never heard about this bone before.

Take Play-Doh and mold it around a broken chicken bone and into the appropriate shape. X-ray; show to new students and techs.

 

[Phred101.2]

The truth about what?

There is such a thing as 'truth': it refers to "an objective ontological state of affairs".

If you never look for the truth, how can you really know what is true and what is not?
We realize that the truth, is "just the innate duty" to seek an "answer", which is 'usually' the truth.
However, we quickly realize that sometimes ignorance is bliss, and we can live with a 'little' truth.
Is there a 'truthful' way to define truth? Is the only truth that truth cannot 'be' defined? Or is it the truth that there are 'several ways' to define truth?
Are any of these statements 'not' true?
It is not true that only 'some' things are true; it's that truth can only be applied 'sparingly'. There is no 'claim' that a perspective 'qualifies' as true, merely that perspectives 'exist'.
Who is driving 'pursuit' of the truth?

A 'little old lady' from Pasadena.

(--collated from posts by 'philosophers' here at GD Philosophy thread physicsforum.com)

 

[Wild Angel]

Try this website for some really funny jokes. http://www.telepk.com/jokes/

 

[Ryo124]

Not a joke, but a "mind-boggler":

Three brothers go to a restaurant, have a meal and get the bill.

The bill is $25, so with no even change, the brothers hand the waiter $10 each.

The waiter gives each brother $1 back, and keeps $2 for himself.

So each brother payed $9 ($27), and the waiter kept $2, where is the extra dollar?

 

[NeoDevin]

Try this website for some really funny jokes. http://www.telepk.com/jokes/

I went to this website and right away my virus scanner popped up with a mention of a virus/malware in my temporary internet files folder. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not.

 

[Phred101.2]

Originally Posted by Some stonking great ninny

'This therefore is the root of your problem. Your "therefore" is unjustified because you supply a definition of "It" which does not in fact accurately describe "It"... make this clear from the first inclusion of any such term.'

 

[sas3]

Here is a good one.

http://dura.cell.free.fr/home/images/maths.jpg

 

[flying fish]

I'm guessing most everyone has seen this, but in case not:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_create_largest_novelty_atom

 

[BobG]

I'm guessing most everyone has seen this, but in case not:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news/scientists_create_largest_novelty_atom

Great user name.

http://www.sphere.bc.ca/test/flyingfish/311-flyingfish-1004-b.jpg

 

[joeyar]

Sorry I haven't read them all and if someone has already said this one I apologise.

What do you call a joke involving Cobalt, Radon and Yttrium?

CoRnY

 

[Ryo124]

I love xkcd.com.

Great science and math comics.

 

[Tachyonie]

I am sure that someone already posted this one but I got this one:

Two atoms meet and have a talk:
Atom1: Hey, how are you doing?
Atom2: Well not so good, I think I lost an electron.
Atom1: Are you sure?
Atom2: Positive!

 

[CaptainQuasar]

Binary Sudoku

 

[DaveC426913]

I am sure that someone already posted this one but I got this one:

Two atoms meet and have a talk:
Atom1: Hey, how are you doing?
Atom2: Well not so good, I think I lost an electron.
Atom1: Are you sure?
Atom2: I'm Positive!

10 chars

 

[CaptainQuasar]

http://halowiki.ontoprise.de/halowiki/index.php/Helicase#Pop_Culture" a microbiologist pickup line:

“If I were an enzyme, I would be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes.”

⚛​

 

[CaptainQuasar]

From the http://www.limerickdb.com/?43" :

There was a young fencer named Fisk
Whose swordplay was agile and brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Lorentz contraction
Diminished his sword to a disk.​

 

[nicksauce]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

 

[mbrmbrg]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Bobg's TBD acronym joke reminded me of this old one:

A: I'd like to hear your opinion of my new theory.
B: It's not very good.
A: No matter, I'd like to hear it anyway.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on Earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'

 

[esbo]

Not really a science joke but a logic joke.

Sign on an esculator:- "Dogs must be carried".

Smeone with IQ 140+ thinks "What if you haven't got a dog"?

 

[_Mayday_]

What did the lion do to the particle physicist?

Lepton him.

 

[Eddyah]

Only thing that comes to mind is limits

 

[Leech]

There are 10 types of people in the world - those who can understand binary, and those who can't.

I've got another one like that:

There are 10 types of peolpe in the world - those who undersand ternary, those who don't, and those who mistake it for binary.

 

[Danger]

Ivan, I read your post a very long time ago, and just re-read it. I've owed you this for a while: