Science Humor: A Wide Selection

[Lisa!]

Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.
Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Power = Work/Time.
Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get;
Knowledge = Work/Money
Solving for money, we find

Money = Work/Knowledge

The greater your knowledge, the more work you have to do for your money. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.*

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, 'I'll have a Geologist monkey please.' The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, 'That'll be $5000.' The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?' The Shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that monkey is a GIT - geologist in training - it can lick rocks and tell you the exact mineralogy, well worth the money.' The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 'Oh, that one's a P.Geo - a professional geologist - is can log drill holes, update and construct geological models, they are experts in igneous and metamorphic petrology and petrography, hydrogeology, sedimentolgoy and structural geology. SOME can even do basic calculations. All the really useful stuff,' said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, 'That one costs more than all the others put together! What on Earth does it do?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer.'

Wow! I can't believe that I missed this 1!

 

[neu]

Not a joke, but a "mind-boggler":

Three brothers go to a restaurant, have a meal and get the bill.

The bill is $25, so with no even change, the brothers hand the waiter $10 each.

The waiter gives each brother $1 back, and keeps $2 for himself.

So each brother payed $9 ($27), and the waiter kept $2, where is the extra dollar?

What extra dollar? The waiter is taking the excess, i.e. $27 - $25 = $2

nothing is missing, Is this mind boggling?

 

[Erythro73]

A funny link on the existence of magnetic monopoles. The narrator is one of my teacher (teaching E&M courses and Applied group theory in physics).

https://www.webdepot.umontreal.ca/Usagers/mackenzr/MonDepotPublic/pagewebpers/LaMer/indexeng.html

 

[Grogerian]

Think about it. 80p. Eighty-p. eighdy-p. A-D-P.

Rofl, i was sitting here thinking how in the world 80 phosphorus what? now i get it... that's just... no :( made me feel stupid, lol

 

[mathlete]

World's shortest math joke:

Take epsilon < 0...

My analysis professor said one similar to this. "Let epsilon be large and negative..."

 

[Hurkyl]

I don't remember if I've posted these. Behold, two of the most tortured puns to which I have ever borne witness!

http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1709.html

(one is in the comic, one in the annotation)

 

[CaptainQuasar]

From The Onion, America's Finest News Source

 

[Jimmy Snyder]

Q: What's the difference between an Einstein ring and a Dumbbell nebula?
A: The Dumbbell nebula is dimmer.

 

[lindaadams]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

 

[Crazy Tosser]

Shortest mathematics joke:
$$\varepsilon < 0$$
with the even more excessive versions
$$\varepsilon \ll 0$$
and
$$\varepsilon \rightarrow - \infty$$

[?] [?] [?] Probably only a few will laugh, but those who do are really worth it!

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

 

[Newspeak]

A few of them are lame but there are some good ones:
http://www.jupiterscientific.org/sciinfo/jokes/physicsjokes.html

 

[tchitt]

One atom walks up to another atom and says
"Dude I think I lost an electron"
the other atom replies
"Are you sure?"
he says
"Yes, I am positive"

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.

A neutron walks into a bar, "how much for a drink?" he asks. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge"

 

[mbrmbrg]

Best.joke.ever. Can't stop laughing LOL

Ack!
My ignorance overwhelms me; behold my shame.
But will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny?

 

[DaveC426913]

... will somebody PLEASE tell me why negative epsilon is funny?

According to wiki, epsilon is defined as "...an arbitrarily (or nearly so) small positive quantity..."

 

[mbrmbrg]

Ah. Thank you. Got it. Use Wikipedia.

 

[Winzer]

Here's is one, you have to imagine that Jerry Seinfeld is telling it:

What's the deal the Higgs Boson? Does it even matter?

 

[nrqed]

Haha. I love the jokes the robot butler in Fallout 3 tells.

Atoms have mass? I wasn't even aware they were Catholic.

Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

 

[Andre]

Can someone help me out. I am sure I have heard that joke in a movie but I can't put my finger on it. It is driving me crazy. I don't think it was a comedy. It is driving me crazy!

A Catholic mass

 

[lederhosen]

whats does one physicist say if he wants to pick up another physicist? Let me be your cation and you be my anion I've always had an ion u..

IDK i just thought of it now

 

[maze]

Q: Why did the mathematician have complex numbers on his cellphone?

A: So he could call all his imaginary friends.

 

[skeptic2]

One student in my electronics lab opened up a 9 volt battery very carefully and replaced a few of the cells with a signal generator IC, and put it back together again. When the instructor came around, he connected it to the oscilloscope and said, "Look, this battery is putting out AC."

 

[Underwaterbob]

My high school chemistry teacher told us that when he was in university they would send the freshmen chem majors to the depot to pick up a bucket of mercury.

 

[Monitor16807]

Girl = Time x Money
And we all know time is money.
Time = Money
Therefore.
Girl = Money x Money = Money^2
And because money is the root of all evil.
Money = SQRT Evil
Therefore.
Girl = SQRT Evil^2
We are forced to conclude that.
Girl = Evil.

 

[svastikajla]

Girl = Time x Money
And we all know time is money.
Time = Money
Therefore.
Girl = Money x Money = Money^2
And because money is the root of all evil.
Money = SQRT Evil
Therefore.
Girl = SQRT Evil^2
We are forced to conclude that.
Girl = Evil.

Or -evil?

Rigour, my friend.

http://thisdomainisirrelevant.net/imgs/215.jpg

I like this one of overclocking towards the Bose-Einstein condensate.

 

[navigator]

Funny.

 

[Vals509]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Source: The Dark Sucker Theory page[/QUOTE

one question. Is all this stuff on dark suckers or just a joke. just confused?

 

[Vals509]

Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Wanted
$10,000 reward.
Schroedinger's Cat.
Dead or Alive

Dead and Alive.

 

[rolerbe]

oh this is just disgusting. stop picking this joke apart. it was hilarious. if u don't get it then atleast don't spoil(hijack? this is not a joke discussion thread) this thread for the rest of us.
Where the hell is ur sense of humor?(rehtorical let's not discuss that either)

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. You don't learn much, and the frog dies." -- Mark Twain

 

[BobG]

"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. You don't learn much, and the frog dies." -- Mark Twain

I have to disagree with this. When I was a kid, the neighbor girl and I dissected a toad. It was the first time I saw a beating heart and working lungs. It was also the first time I realized just how long intestines are (the toad escaped the dissection and started hopping down the street). I felt I learned quite a bit. The toad did eventually die. The neighbor girl's big brother came out and chewed us out, then shot the toad several times with his BB gun until it finally died.

Analyzing comments about analyzing humor is even more fun than analyzing humor.

 

[DaveC426913]

I have to disagree with this. When I was a kid, the neighbor girl and I dissected a toad. It was the first time I saw a beating heart and working lungs. It was also the first time I realized just how long intestines are (the toad escaped the dissection and started hopping down the street). I felt I learned quite a bit. The toad did eventually die. The neighbor girl's big brother came out and chewed us out, then shot the toad several times with his BB gun until it finally died.

Analyzing comments about analyzing humor is even more fun than analyzing humor.

For the record, doing it while it's still alive isn't dissecting, it's ... well ... killing. You monster.

 

[BobG]

For the record, doing it while it's still alive isn't dissecting, it's ... well ... killing. You monster.

I just wish I hadn't moved out of that neighborhood. I would have liked to have known her when we both were older. She was obnoxious and a major troublemaker and I didn't like her very much - but she always managed to rope me into doing things I never would have tried on my own (seeing as how I was always, well almost always, a good boy). The strange things she wanted to do were always just a little too intriguing to resist once I started thinking about it.

 

[Ae3]

Well, don't know if it's been told already but...

An ion walks into a pub and says to his mate "I think I lost an electron"
His mate asks "Are you sure?"
The ion answers "yeah, I'm positive!"

 

[DaveC426913]

I just wish I hadn't moved out of that neighborhood. I would have liked to have known her when we both were older. She was obnoxious and a major troublemaker and I didn't like her very much - but she always managed to rope me into doing things I never would have tried on my own (seeing as how I was always, well almost always, a good boy). The strange things she wanted to do were always just a little too intriguing to resist once I started thinking about it.

Then good thing you moved before puberty...

 

[deferro]

"Science is learning how to look serious when you have hilarious things to tell people.

I never was particularly serious about my grand joke."

--A. Einstein (paraphrased)