- #561
Kaimyn
- 44
- 1
QuantumED said:
Building on this:
Teacher, I don't have my homework due to Murphy's law
In summary: This is because the light is being pushed down by the water. The dark is occupying more space and is therefore heavier.
Building on this:
Teacher, I don't have my homework due to Murphy's law
- #562
- #563
Winzer
- 598
- 0
Well Copernicus called... And your not the center of the universe!
That one gets me every time. Its gold.
That one gets me every time. Its gold.
- #564
Borek
Mentor
- 28,953
- 4,252
http://909sickle.com/s/****-heisenberg/
- #565
Markface
- 5
- 0
Two scientists walk into a bar with the intention of a drinking contest. The bartender asks them what they'd like to drink. The first scientist says;
"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.
Needless to say, the second scientist lost.
"I'd like a glass of H2O please"
"I'd like a glass of H2O too" said the second scientist.
Needless to say, the second scientist lost.
- #566
- 12,175
- 182
Markface said:
- #567
DaveC426913
Gold Member
- 22,530
- 6,190
Markface said:
There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
- #568
archis
- 66
- 1
Two students are sitting in the corridor before exam and are waiting for their execution.
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?
-What are you reading?
-Quantum physics.
-Why the book is upside down?
-What's the difference . . . ?
- #569
drizzle
Gold Member
- 200
- 57
archis said:
- #570
VeeEight
- 615
- 0
DaveC426913 said:
There was a man who drank some water
Poor man he is no more
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4.
Carlton Banks approves this joke
- #571
- 8,142
- 1,757
Last edited by a moderator:
- #572
- 8,142
- 1,757
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXZ1Qg-k3Xc
- #573
Nebula815
- 18
- 1
New Heavy Element Discovered
LOS ALAMOS (PU) -- The recent fire at Los Alamos had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
Governmentium: the heaviest element
LOS ALAMOS (PU) -- The recent fire at Los Alamos had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document was discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire. This document was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Governmentium (Gv) but kept top secret for 50 years.
This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 deputy neutrons, 75 supervisory neutrons, and 111 team leader neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the deputy neutrons, supervisory neutrons, and team leader neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypocritical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element which radiates just as much energy since it has half as many peons, but twice as many morons.
Governmentium: the heaviest element
Last edited:
- #574
Hurkyl
Staff Emeritus
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 14,981
- 26
The Turing test was originally envisioned as a yardstick to measure when artificial intelligence had improved to the point where it could pass as human behavior.
The internet quickly revealed a different application...
The internet quickly revealed a different application...
- #575
- 8,142
- 1,757
Last edited by a moderator:
- #576
Netrinobuster
- 7
- 0
"Mom, I don't need to tidy up my room. According to quantum mechanics, if you throw things around they tend to organize themselves"
(You should have seen the look on mom's face!)
(You should have seen the look on mom's face!)
- #577
GreatEscapist
- 180
- 0
I'm sure this Newton joke has been thought of before, but my friends and I thought we were oh so clever one day in physics class. It's like the perfect brother-sister argument.
*pokes sister* "Stop touching me! Mom, she's touching me!"
HAHA. Ha. Heh. Knee-slapping 3rd law jokes.
*pokes sister* "Stop touching me! Mom, she's touching me!"
HAHA. Ha. Heh. Knee-slapping 3rd law jokes.
- #578
GreatEscapist
- 180
- 0
Hooo, I have a lot of nerd jokes.
A kid is taking a class in his chem class, when he comes across this question:
"Describe hard water, and its compounds."
Kid writes:
"Ice."
Heh heh.
A kid is taking a class in his chem class, when he comes across this question:
"Describe hard water, and its compounds."
Kid writes:
"Ice."
Heh heh.
- #579
- 8,142
- 1,757
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbifmRBBN6Q
- #580
Mu naught
- 208
- 2
Hope this hasn't been told yet.
How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?
If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.
How can you tell if a mathematician is an introvert or an extrovert?
If he's an extrovert he stares at your shoes.
- #581
DaveC426913
Gold Member
- 22,530
- 6,190
Mu naught said:
No. Totally not told yet.
It was an https://www.physicsforums.com/showpost.php?p=2719118&postcount=41"before!
Last edited by a moderator:
- #582
estro
- 241
- 0
gingersnap_girl said:
Doctors need to study physics to know how to deal with a patient trying to run away at the speed of light.
- #583
Secret
- 5
- 0
The best way to kill a person
-> Derive it multiple times!
For waves and ex, ask them to stand near a mirror and then photograph the reflection
then derive the reflection
For ex
-> Derive it multiple times!
For waves and ex, ask them to stand near a mirror and then photograph the reflection
then derive the reflection
For ex
- #584
Gib Z
Homework Helper
- 3,351
- 7
How mathematicians do it...
Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or (~(logicians do it)).
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real Analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mobius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
When Turing did it he couldn't decide if he'd finish.
Combinatorists do it as many ways as they can.
Combinatorists do it discretely.
(Logicians do it) or (~(logicians do it)).
Logicians do it by symbolic manipulation.
Algebraists do it in groups.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Real Analysts do it almost everywhere.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
Topologists do it openly.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Dynamicists do it chaotically.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Cantor did it diagonally.
Fermat tried to do it in the margin, but couldn't fit it in.
Galois did it the night before.
Mobius always does it on the same side.
Markov does it in chains.
Newton did it standing on the shoulders of giants.
When Turing did it he couldn't decide if he'd finish.
- #585
radou
Homework Helper
- 3,149
- 8
The slogan of the most popular cell phone provider in the real number
system: "[0, 1] - connecting people."
...
Given a Jewish metric space, every convergent sequence in it is Kosher.
...
A topological space lies in bed with its wife, Mrs. Lindelöf, and she
says: "Jeez, could you stop opening my bed cover, its chilly around here?"
And the space says: "Oh, relax, you always have your subcovers to count on."
(I hope they're not too bad)
system: "[0, 1] - connecting people."
...
Given a Jewish metric space, every convergent sequence in it is Kosher.
...
A topological space lies in bed with its wife, Mrs. Lindelöf, and she
says: "Jeez, could you stop opening my bed cover, its chilly around here?"
And the space says: "Oh, relax, you always have your subcovers to count on."
(I hope they're not too bad
)- #586
lavster
- 217
- 0
does this proton make my mass look big?! :)
- #587
M Grandin
- 90
- 5
UFO passing speed of light
Two aliens were flying their UFOs. As one of them accelerated passing light velocity,
the other one didn' t keep up with him. He asked: "Why are you lagging?"
- "I am Albert Einstein!"
Two aliens were flying their UFOs. As one of them accelerated passing light velocity,
the other one didn' t keep up with him. He asked: "Why are you lagging?"
- "I am Albert Einstein!"
- #588
Raskolnikov
- 193
- 2
Here's an extension of a list posted earlier. If anybody can think of any additions to the list, please post :D!
Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.
--------------------------
What do you think?
Perspectives of the world:
-------------------------------
Optimist – The glass is half-full.
Pessimist – The glass is half-empty.
Existentialist – The glass is.
Fatalist – The water will evaporate.
Futurist – The water is in the wrong half of the glass.
Feminist – All glasses are equal.
Narcissist – Look at me in the water!
Polygamist – The more glasses the merrier.
Nudist – The glass isn’t wearing anything. Why should I?
Baptist – The Lord in His infinite wisdom hast giveth us only half a glass of water for a reason!
Evangelist – The glass must repent.
Atheist – There is no glass.
Egoist – My glass is bigger than yours.
The Obsessive/Compulsive – There’s a smudge on the glass.
The Government – The glass is fuller than if the opposing party were in power.
Opposing Party – It is irrelevant because the present administration has changed the way such volume statistics are collected.
Republican – Hey, who drank half of my glass of water?
Anarchist – Break the glass.
Revolutionist – Dump the glass out and fill it again.
Socialist – Share the glass.
Capitalist – Sell the glass.
Corporatist – That glass is ours, and only ours.
Market Consultant – Your glass needs resizing.
Actuary – Personally, I think you paid too much for the glass.
Attorney – The glass is half-empty since it believes its compensation is never enough.
Psychiatrist – What did your mother say about the glass?
Psychologist – How does the water feel about the glass?
Philosopher – If the glass was in the forest and no one was there to see it, would it be half anything?
Sociologist – I don't know, but it was nice talking about it.
Engineer – The glass is twice as large as its necessary parameters.
Physicist – The cylinder is neither full nor empty. Rather, each half of the cylinder is full, one with a liquid, one with a gas.
Logician – Please define 'glass' more precisely.
Mathematician – I don't know if it's half-full or half-empty, but I can tell you an answer exists!
Combinatorialist – The task of choosing an arbitrary water molecule has been reduced to 2 subcases.
PC User – Let's restart it and maybe it will fill up this time.
Mac User – I swear! Apple invented water…or at least made it much better!
Linux User – I’ll turn the water back into oxygen and hydrogen, then take a glass cutter and cut off the top half of the glass. Finally, I'll recompile the water, then drink it…and eat the glass.
Microsoft – The rest of the water will be in the next release.
Pascal Programmer – Well, what type of water is it?
C Programmer – I drink straight from the tap.
Assembly Programmer – I drink straight from the river.
Multimedia Author – That glass is free; the next one you have to pay for.
Copyrights Protection Fanatics – Somebody drank my water and didn’t pay for it!
Free Software Foundation – The water is Nature’s gift to all mankind!
CIA – What makes you think that’s water?
NSA – We know what it really is.
--------------------------
What do you think?
- #589
Borek
Mentor
- 28,953
- 4,252
There is no spoon.
- #590
Danger
Gold Member
- 9,799
- 253
If you guys don't mind a couple from the late 1940's... (I'm combining 2 for the sake of brevity, and my apologies if they've already been posted; I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread).
Q: Why did the nuclear physicist take the day off?
A: He had atomic ache.
Q: What explanatory sign did he hang on his office door?
A: Gone fission.
It's a wonder that we ever survived the cold war, with stuff like that floating around.
Q: Why did the nuclear physicist take the day off?
A: He had atomic ache.
Q: What explanatory sign did he hang on his office door?
A: Gone fission.
It's a wonder that we ever survived the cold war, with stuff like that floating around.
- #591
jhae2.718
Gold Member
- 1,184
- 20
Here's a really bad joke I came up with while sitting in a very boring lecture on statics in a basic engineering class:
Engineering has its moments...
Engineering has its moments...
- #592
- 8,142
- 1,757
A unit Newton.
Last edited:
- #593
M Grandin
- 90
- 5
Professor adding 17 +13
-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"
-"Is there any mathematician here who can evaluate the sum of 17 and 13 for us !?"
- "Yes I can, I am a professor in mathematics!"
- "Then solve the task for us!"
- "Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"
- #594
BobG
Science Advisor
Homework Helper
- 352
- 87
M Grandin said:
That's an urban legend stemming from a true story.
The actual question was:
"Is there any mathematician here that can explain how to count on our fingers and toes?"
"Yes, I can. I'm a professor in mathematics!"
"So, how high can you count on your fingers and toes?"
"Sorry, but I have forgotten my calculator!"
(Which raises the question as to what type of calculator he had. I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)
Last edited:
- #595
Andre
- 4,311
- 74
Raskolnikov said:
Crackpot - This H-twenty has powers
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