Science Humor: A Wide Selection

In summary: This is because the light is being pushed down by the water. The dark is occupying more space and is therefore heavier.
  • #596
I tried to read through this thread but didn't make it, so i apologize if these are already here. Two topology jokes:

First a definition:

A topologist is someone who cannot tell the difference between his rear end and a hole and the ground, but can tell the difference between his rear end and two holes in the ground.

Next a joke for those of you who have verified that you are topologists:

What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant? [The trivial elephant bundle on a chicken.]
 
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  • #597
BobG said:
I could think of one method of counting that would allow him to count up 1,099,511,627,775.)
What method is that? My thoughts were of 220-1, as referred to in your signature:
If God meant for man to count higher than 1,048,575 he would have given him more fingers and toes.
 
  • #598
mathwonk said:
What do you get when you cross a chicken and an elephant?
chicken elephant sine theta.
 
  • #599
isnt that the length of a chicken crossed with an elephant?
 
  • #600
Honey, you know I love you, but I have a variant D4 gene.
 
  • #601
Space toilets are critical to space exploration in two ways.

1

2
 
  • #602
Ivan Seeking said:
Space toilets are critical to space exploration in two ways.

1

2

LOL!
it should be in lame jokes too...hehe :smile:
 
  • #603
Mods... please don't panic about the heading, its pure fun and a good laugh


Perpetual Motion---------------------------------------------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
__________________________________________________

...this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients
___________________________________________________

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

cheers
Dave
 
  • #604
davenn said:
Mods... please don't panic about the heading, its pure fun and a good laugh


Perpetual Motion---------------------------------------------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
__________________________________________________

...this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients
___________________________________________________

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.
Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

cheers
Dave

Applause, applause, applause! :smile:
 
  • #605
If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z.
X is work. Y is play.
Z is keep your mouth shut.
 
  • #606
helium walks into a bar
bartender says "we don't serve noble gases"
helium doesn't react
 
  • #609
QuarkCharmer said:
That is the question?

It must always be true. I don't see what all of the fuss has been about.
 
  • #610
I came up with a joke guys:


Why is it that physicists never get laid?


They're always trying to minimize the action!


Badoom tss!
 
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  • Haha
Likes Demystifier
  • #611
You can use spoiler tags to hide the punchline, rather than making the large spaces in the post.
 
  • #612
Code: 
int question(void) {
        return 0xFF; /* optimized Hamlet */
}
 
  • #613
$Do || ! $Do; try
try: command not found


- on a fan's T-shirt, yesterday
 
  • #614
How to hunt an elephant - that's only a little part of all methods: MATHEMATICIANS hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left.

EXPERIENCED MATHEMATICIANS will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise.

PROFESSORS OF MATHEMATICS will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

COMPUTER SCIENTISTS hunt elephants by exercising this Algorithm:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

EXPERIENCED COMPUTER PROGRAMMERS modify this Algorithm by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

ASSEMBLY LANGUAGE PROGRAMMERS prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

SQL PROGRAMMERS use the following code: SELECT elephant FROM Africa

C PROGRAMMERS determine with sizeof() how much memory is needed to store an elephant, try to allocate it, forget to check the outcome and then shoot with random pointers at the elephant

C++ PROGRAMMERS insist that an elephant is a class with its own hunting-method. And if the elephant leaves Africa, its destructor will be activated.

JAVA PROGRAMERS don't hunt elephants at all, they will import the java.animal.large.wrinkled.Grey class and extend it to their own class called MyElephant. Then whenever the need arises to hunt an elephant the will instantiate one,show everyone, then send it back to the (dung)heap.

ENGINEERS hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when anyone of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant.

ECONOMISTS don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

STATISTICIANS hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.

CONSULTANTS don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

OPERATIONS RESEARCH CONSULTANTS can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the elephants.

POLITICIANS don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

LAWYERS don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

SOFTWARE LAWYERS will claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

VICE PRESIDENTS OF ENGINEERING, RESEARCH, AND DEVELOPMENT try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are completely pre hunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will: compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

SENIOR MANAGERS set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices.

QUALITY ASSURANCE INSPECTORS ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

SALES PEOPLE don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

SOFTWARE SALES PEOPLE ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.

HARDWARE SALES PEOPLE catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop elephants.

MICROSOFT buys an elephant from the zoo of seattle, copies it, tells the whole world that everybody ultimately needs an elephant because it's an ideal expansion to MS Office and exports 14 million elephants to Africa.
HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...
 
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  • Haha
Likes Demystifier
  • #615
I remember when it was printed in Byte.
 
  • #616
clancy688 said:
HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...

Confused student: 3 is odd, 5 is odd, 7 is odd, 11 is odd, 13 is odd,...
Philosopher: But what is a number?
Communist: All numbers are equally prime.
 
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  • #617
Good math/physics jokes

Anyone know any good math/physics jokes?
 
  • #618


Scribbled on the wall in the athletic dept locker room: "Kilroy was here"

Scribbled on the wall in the John near the Physics Dept. "Heisenberg may have been here".
 
  • #619


1.
Q: What is an anagram of Banach-Tarski?
A: Banach-Tarski Banach-Tarski

2.
Q: What does the B stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot
 
  • #620


A cop pulls over Heisenberg for crossing the speed limit.
Cop: DO you know how fast you've been driving?
Heisenberg: No, but I know where I am.
 
  • #622


Schrödinger tries Shakespeare: "To be and not to be..."
 
  • #623


some old engineering jokes:


Engineering Ingenuity
On the train to a math and engineering convention, a group of math majors and a group of engineering majors sat in the same car. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket, but it became clear that the group of engineers
had only ONE ticket amongst them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. When one of the engineers said "Here comes the conductor", all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor
came aboard, said "tickets please" and collected tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it
and left, and the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid. So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering
at the engineers, for this time the whole group had NO tickets amongst them. When the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!", all the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Just before the
conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away
and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains," I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you
$5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!" Now, that got the Engineer's
attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5. Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks
the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer
and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his
wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.
 
  • #624
clancy688 said:
HOW PEOPLE FROM DIFFERENT PROFESSIONS PROVE THAT EVERY ODD INTEGER BIGGER THAN 0 IS PRIME:

Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, and by induction - every odd integer higher than 2 is a prime.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Programmer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 7 is a prime, ...
Salesperson: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- we'll do for you the best we can, ...
Computer Software Salesperson: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 will be prime in the next release, ...
Biologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- results have not arrived yet, ...
Advertiser: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
Lawyer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 -- there is not enough evidence to prove that it is not a prime, ...
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10% tax and 5% other obligations.
Statistician: Let's try several randomly chosen numbers -- 17 is a prime, 23 is a prime, 11 is a prime ...
Professor: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and the rest are left as an exercise for the student.
Computational linguist: 3 is an odd prime, 5 is an odd prime, 7 is an odd prime, 9 is a very odd prime, ...
Psychologist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, 9 is a prime but tries to suppress it, ...
Bigot: 3 is a prime, all odd numbers are prime.
Theologean: All odd numbers are prime.
Liberal: Don't say odd, say even-challenged.
 
  • #625
So a guy walks into a bar and asks for some H2O. Immediately, all the girls swoon over him, praising his obviously vast intellect. The bartender even gives him free water on the house!Another guy sees the immense praise the guy is getting, and goes to do the same. He goes up to the bartender and swelling with confidence, asks the bartender,"Can I have some H2O too, please?"He dies.
 
  • #626
this one is more of a wordplay than a joke, but I hope someone would still enjoy it!

Quantum_Emotion.png


... even Einstein said that it's "spooky action at a distance"... don't you dare superposition me!​
 
  • #627
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
 
  • #628
Redbelly98 said:
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

lol, nice.
 
  • #629
Redbelly98 said:
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

:D

going to steal that.
 
  • #630
Redbelly98 said:
"We don't allow faster than light neutrinos in here", said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

FTL neutrinos don't have legs yet.
 

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